Best Jokes (continues)

Little Johnny's neighbor had a baby.

Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When the mother and new Baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the Word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.


Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, Thank you, Little Johnny."

Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?" "Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnny, "coz he'd be f*cked if he needed Glasses"

A young man named Gordon bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day, but when the
farmer drove up he said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the
donkey is on my truck, but unfortunately he's dead."

Gordon replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer
said, "I can't do that, because I've spent it already." Gordon said,
"OK then, well just unload the donkey anyway." The farmer asked, "What
are you going to do with him?" Gordon answered, "I'm going to raffle
him off." To which the farmer exclaimed, "Surely you can't raffle off a
dead donkey!" But Gordon, with a wicked smile on his face said, "Of
course I can, you watch me. I just won't bother to tell anybody that he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, "What happened
with that dead donkey?" Gordon said, "I raffled him off, sold 500
tickets at two pounds a piece, and made a huge, fat profit!!"
Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had
stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?" To
which Gordon replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey
being dead was the raffle winner when he came to claim his prize. So I
gave him his £2 raffle ticket money back plus an extra £200, which as
you know is double the going rate for a donkey, so he thought I was a great guy!!"

Gordon grew up and eventually became the Chancellor of the Exchequer,
and no matter how many times he lied, or how much money he stole from
the British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen
money, most of them, unfortunately, still thought he was a great guy.


The moral of this story is that, if you think Gordon is about to play
fair and do something for the everyday people of the country for once
think again my friend, because you'll be better off flogging a dead donkey!

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a
drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!"

The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my guide dog."

"Oh man,” the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me."
The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him,
stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him

it's a guide dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and
continues to the bar where he asks for a drink.

The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my guide dog."

The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas
as guide dogs."

The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What? They gave me a
Chihuahua?"

Sent to me earlier by my Norwegian Aunt... I laughed anyway...



Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks
over at him and asks the question:

"What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "Shit."

_________

Apologies from Fredrik

Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away.

He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to the Harrods ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers.

Good old Ron sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:
Dear Sasha,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love
Ron.

P.S. My sister tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, gently aging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia, lost some wars, won some great battles but haunted by past mistakes, still very strong and proud.

Between 61 and 80, a woman is like Russia, very wide and borders are now largely un-patrolled.



GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by a dick.

We have a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs.
Her car isn’t taxed or insured, and doesn’t even have a number plate but the police still do not do anything.
Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments. A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son but nothing has been proved yet.
All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.
Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in nightclubs. The family’s odd antics are always in the papers. They are out of control.
Who’d live near Windsor Castle?

A cadbury Story!!

>>Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.>She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman's Friend.>>On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and raisin , she>had a Wine Gum.>>He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said. "I'm the>one with the nuts," he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way. They>checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury>turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.>>>It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her>Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly>and Tic Tacs. Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she>let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring.>>He was quite pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic>moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.>>When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She>wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers>looked very appetizing.>He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by>giving her a Gob Stopper!>>Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.>Sadly he was soon to discover he had VD. It turned out Miss Rowntree had>been with Bertie Basset who apparently had Allsorts!!

Can you imagine working for a company that has little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics?



29 have been accused of spouse abuse



7 have been arrested for fraud



19 have been accused of writing bad cheques



117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses



3 have done time for assault



71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit



14 have been arrested on drug related charges



8 have been arrested for shoplifting



21 are currently defendants in lawsuits



84 have been arrested for drunk driving last year



Can you guess which organisation this is?





It's the 535 members of the Houses of Parliament. The same group that

cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of

us in line.

For real? Where'd you get the stats PB?

Friend of a friend

There are 649 members of the House of Commons alone, so what else have you got wrong?

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, are in Alberta.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day,
he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly

He walks into the house and says to his wife 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looks him over, 'Nope.'

Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'

Furious, Bert yells, AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?

'Nope' she replies.

IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!' Bert yells

To which Margaret replies...”Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.”

A jumbo jet is loading passengers at Heathrow for a flight to Los Angeles when a gorgeous looking young blonde steps into the aircraft and shows her boarding pass to the stewardess. The stewardess looks at the card and tells the young blonde woman to go to the rear of the plane and her seat is to be found in economy class. The plane loads up the passengers, the doors close and takes off, heading for Los Angeles.

Once airborne, the stewardess spots the striking young blonde woman sat in first class when she could have sworn her ticket was for economy class. The stewardess asks to see the boarding pass once more and sure enough it was an economy class seat allocation. She said to the blonde woman "Excuse me miss, but your ticket is for economy class not first class, so you will have to move back into the economy class section I'm afraid". The blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm gorgeous, I'm intelligent and I'm going to Los Angeles to become a film star, so I'm not moving". This exchange went on three times more and it was plainly evident the blonde girl wasn't going to be moved.

The stewardess decided to call over the chief steward to see if he could do any better, reckoning with an assertive male voice tone the blonde might be a bit less recalcitrant about moving. Just the same, when the seat allocation discrepancy was repeated to the blonde all she kept saying was "I'm blonde, I'm gorgeous, I'm intelligent and I'm going to Los Angeles to become a film star, so I'm not moving".

The chief steward had as much success as the stewardess, so they called the co-pilot out to deal with her. He again asked her to move back into the economy class section, but the blonde girl would have none of it, repeating the words once more "I'm blonde, I'm gorgeous, I'm intelligent and I'm going to Los Angeles to become a film star, so I'm not moving". Next came the navigator to try and persuade her, but no chance, she stayed put. Totally exasperated by now, they decided they would have to tell the pilot that they are having real problems with one of the passengers, so the co-pilot went to the flight deck to summon the pilot to deal with her.

The pilot came out of the flight deck, took one look at the striking blonde woman sat in first class and said "Aha!". He strode straight up to the blonde girl and briefly whispered something in her ear. To everyone's utter amazement, the blonde girl stood up and starting taking down all her bags from the overhead locker and said "Well why didn't somebody tell me this before?", then stormed off down the aircraft clutching all her bags into the economy class section, still muttering under her breath.

"How the heck did you do that when all of us couldn't get her to shift?" said the stewardess to the pilot. "Perfectly simple" said the pilot "I told her that first class wasn't going to Los Angeles but economy class is".

I thought that airline joke was going to be the one where the pilot has unwittingly left the intercom on and says to his co-pilot..

'do you know what I would like right now, I would like a nice a blow job from that new stewardess and a cup of a coffee'

On hearing the intercom had been left on the stewardess started to run down the aisle towards the flight cabin when a passenger from the back called out...

'hey, honey don't forget the coffee'!

There are some worrying truths to some of these!!!....

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you
hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right,
there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got
there first.

7. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in
a boat all day, drinking beer.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who
weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.

"When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take
off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on.

When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't
possibly wear them, as they were too large.

"I told her, of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family
and I always will. Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the
wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and
told her to put them on.

Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.

"Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I
always will. I don't want you to forget that."

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack.

Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.

"I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack.

"Exactly," replied Jill.

"And if you don't change your f**king attitude, you never will."

President Bush having his watch stolen in Albania reminded me of this:

Stalin and Khrushchev are taking a tour of their Eastern European satellites in Stalin's special train.

Khrushchev "I can't keep track of these damn countries. Where are we now?"

Stalin: "What time is it?"

Khrushchev [looking at watch]: "Ten o'clock."

Stalin: "Well, then, this must be Czechoslovakia."

[Somewhat later] Khrushchev: "I'm lost again. What country are we in now?"

Stalin: "What time is it?"

Khrushchev [looking at watch]: "Two thirty."

Stalin: "Well, then, this must be Hungary."

[Somewhat later] Khrushchev: "Sorry, I'm lost yet again. What country are we in now?"

Stalin: "What time is it?"

Khrushchev [lifts wrist to look at watch]: "Hey! My watch! It's gone!"

Stalin: "Ah, this must be Romania."

SUMMER CLASSES FOR MEN AT

THE
LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY June 29, 2007
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASSES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3!
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 h ours.


Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7 !
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours ! beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses,
diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Send this to all the guys that you think can stand the heat, and to all the ladies for
the best chuckle of their day

A rather sexist list... I think I'll have to reply to that:

1) How to deal with a spider yourself without the whole street thinking that your whole family is being murdered.
2) Presentation to identify partner from children. Techniques in talking to partner as equal rather than as a child.
3) Introduction to evenings spent without the need of chocolate.
4) Introduction to the possibility of factual TV programmes and comparison with soaps and reality TV and identifying their overall worth.
5) Presentation of the contents of a newspaper, and the comparative worth of the content against Heat, OK & Hello.
6) Walking lessons. Is the 4x4 absolutely necessary to take the children 50 yards to school?
7) The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used. No…that’s the microwave!
Live Demonstration.

Stolen from another board:

Top 10 acceptable uses of the "F" word.


10. "What the f____ was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Here come the f_____ing Indians!" - Custer, 1877

8. "Any f_____ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so f_____ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

6. "How the f____ did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. " You want WHAT on the F____ing ceiling?" - Michaelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the F____ are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered F____ing showers....my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon, who the f___'s going to find out?" - Bill Clinton, 1999

And Number 1:

"Geez, I didn't think they'd get this f____ing mad." - Osama bin Laden, 2001

Warning: this one's a little gross.

This man's wife has been in a coma for many years. He has stayed faithful to her, but he badly misses physical affection. One day, while visiting his wife in the hospital, he is stroking her face as normal when he finds that he can not resist the urge to go a little lower and stroke her breast. A few moments after he begins to fondle her, he feels deeply ashamed, retracts his hand, and abruptly gets up to leave. On the way out, he is stopped by a doctor.

"John, what happened in there? Did you do anything unusual with your wife?"

"No! No, nothing unusual at all," he says nervously.

"Are you sure? Because we just had the best signals from her brain activity that we've seen in years."

John looks down at the floor, takes a deep breath, lets out a heavy sigh and says, "Well, okay, look, this is a little embarassing, but the truth is towards the end I sort of...I mean, it was kind of an accident but I... well I stroked her breast a little."

To John's surprise, the doctor is delighted. "REALLY? Wow! That's great. Listen, I want you to come in tomorrow at the same time and do exactly the same thing."

"What? Well, I don't know, I feel a little wierd about it.."

"John, this might be your wife's best chance for recovery. We've never seen her respond so well to any other stimulus before."

John thinks for a moment. "Well, if you really think it's best for her... okay."

"Great. See you tomorrow."

John comes back the next day to see his wife. This time there is a large group of doctors and nurses in the next room monitoring her vital signs. As before, when John strokes his wife's breast there is a startling improvement in her brain activity.

After finishing with his visit, John checks in with the doctors next door.

"John, that was terrific. She's really responding well to this treatment. We've been discussing the situation, and we really think it's time to take this to the next level. We want you to come in tomorrow and try oral sex with your wife."

"ORAL SEX??? That's perverse!! No, I'm sorry, there's just no way I could."

A nurse chimes in: "John, based on her response to your fondling, we really think that this treatment could bring her out of her coma altogether. Nothing else seems to work. It's for her own good."

Again, John thinks for several moments with the doctors looking on. He nods slowly. "All right. Okay. I guess I can try that. If you really think it might work, she'd understand."

"Great, John," the doctor says. "See you tomorrow."

The next day John comes in again at his usual time. Again, there is a large group of doctors and nurses monitoring his wife's vital signs in the next room. Everyone is very excited, and they wish John luck before he sees his wife in private. About five minutes after they have closed the door to his wife's room, they see a remarkable improvement in her condition. Over the course of the next couple minutes, her brain activity looks almost normal - it appears that she is just about to come out of her coma, and all of the doctors are ecstatic. And then, suddenly, they see a flat line. Her heart has stopped. They rush into the next room, where they find John, visibly shaken, standing beside his wife. They urgently try to restore her heart beat, but to no avail. John's wife has passed away.

The lead doctor turns to John to console him.

"John, I'm so sorry. We really thought this would work. She was so close to recovery, and then we just lost her. Do you have any idea as to what might have gone wrong?"

John, terribily shaken and embarrassed replies, "I don't know... I guess she must have choked on it."


And my personal favourite:

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.


They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says......................



.

.

.

.

.

.

.
.

."Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"

A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain why later." The nun agreed. Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here??" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MP's had disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq." The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear." The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either"

Tewo budgies sitting on a perch. One says:

"Can you smell fish?"

I'll get my coat! Fredrik

PS: What is trhe fastest fish? Motor-pike! Second fastest? Motor-pike and Side-carp!

PPS: Where did the fish with a bad credit rating have to get his loan? The Loan Shark!

Please put that gun down. I will go if you don't shoot!

Here's one for you Fred.

Lobster to loan shark, "here's the sick squid I owe you"