Best Jokes (continues)

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less.. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts.. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."



And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!

Nocker65,
Have a look here.

"Knock knock".

"Who's there"?

"Control Freak - now you say 'Control Freak who'?"

quote:

Originally posted by TomK:
Nocker65,
Have a look here.

Ace! Better than reading it Tom

Newspaper headline:

Fleeing meat thieves give cops cold shoulder.

Engelbert

Two Interesting Years

Interesting Year 1981

1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes (cricket) tournament.
4. The Pope died

Interesting Year 2005

1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes (cricket) tournament.
4. The Pope died

Lesson to be learned:

The next time Charles gets married, someone warn the Pope.

Never mind the Pope! Is there time to get rid of Camilla and find him a new wife in time for the next Ashes series?

One that made me laugh, courtesy of Tony Parsons in 'Man & Wife'

Best tantric sex position?
The plumber!
You stay in all day and no-one comes.

Gavin

The Pope and Tiger Woods died on the same day and because of an
administrative mix up the Pope went to hell and Tiger Woods went to
heaven.
The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell, and
after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However",
the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from heaven and
they stop to have a chat.

"Sorry about the mix up", apologies the Pope "No problem" replied Tiger
Woods,


Pope: "I am really anxious to get to heaven"

Tiger: "Why is that?"

Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"

Tiger: "You're a day late"

God was sitting in heaven one day when a scientist said to Him,

"God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."

"Oh, is that so? Tell Me..." replies God.

"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's very interesting...show Me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man.

"No, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."

A guy is sitting all alone at a bar, the bartender looks at him and laughs. The man shrugs it off...

The bartender looks at him and laughs again, the bartender finally went over to the man and said "I'm sorry but you have to be the ugliest man that I have ever seen."

The man replied by saying I don’t think so. I can get any lady that I want.

The bartender looks around and sees a hot big titted blond sitting at the table with her huge boyfriend, and tells the ugly man that he bet $50 that he couldn’t get the woman to even talk to him.

The ugly man agrees and says "I'll bet another $50 that I can walk straight out the door with her.

The bartender accepted.

The ugly man walked over the girl jumped into his arms and they walked out the door.

The bartender went over to the boyfriend and said, "Damn that sucks but what happened?"

The man replied with "I don’t know. He just stood there lickin his eyebrows."

I'm pissed off. I was going through a magazine in a paper shop earlier, and the bloody gun jammed.

Tony

I hear Heinz are selling Baked Beans in plastic pots now.

It's uncanny.

Quasimodo returns home after a hard days bell ringing at the Notre Dame. Mrs Quasimodo is in the kitchen holding a wok, Oh, great are we having stir fry for supper? No, I'm just ironing your shirts.

Went to my girlfriends funeral yesterday. It was the 1st time I had met her parents. What a pair of miserable fuckers they turned out to be !

Two Muslim mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.'

'Yes, I remember him as a baby,' says the other mother cheerfully.

'He's a martyr now though,' the mother confides.

'Oh, so sad dear,' says the other.

'And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.'

'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born.'

'He's a martyr too,' says the mother quietly.

'Oh, gracious me . . . , ' says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18,' she whispers.

'Yes,' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school.'

'He's a martyr also,' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says,

'They blow up so fast, don't they?'

Whats more annoying than the dog chewing your shoe?



The killer whale eating your trainer!

A guy is chattiing up a pretty girl in the local night club, and after a few drinks their conversation becomes a little more intimate. Hows your sex life, he asks her. Infrequent, she answers. After thinking about this for a moment he asks, is that one word or two.

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law? About 2.3 pounds including the urn..


I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me... 'Oi, what's your disability?' I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off!'


What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair? Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.


A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'. He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'. She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.


My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.... "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.


I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning." He replied, "No, just having a sh * t."


I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!


I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.. How could anyone stoop so low?


I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

Just found an old box of adult xmas crackers then?

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to a gorgeous
woman he spotted dining alone.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the
gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and
decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering
for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your
garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
return.

He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return
this to the woman.

It read:

"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes
CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million
dollars in my bank account... But not even for a woman as beautiful as
you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."

From a desperate wife, advertisement in local paper.

"For sale, Naim hifi system complete. Phone 664663. If a bloke answers, hang up."

Don
Sunny downtown York

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,

"Does she still have the hiccups?"

It's the build up to the general election and the labour party already appear to have one foot in the grave.

What's blue and f**ks old women?....



Me, in my lucky blue coat!

I thought that was hypothermia?