Best Jokes (continues)

A guy is sitting all alone at a bar, the bartender looks at him and laughs. The man shrugs it off...

The bartender looks at him and laughs again, the bartender finally went over to the man and said "I'm sorry but you have to be the ugliest man that I have ever seen."

The man replied by saying I don’t think so. I can get any lady that I want.

The bartender looks around and sees a hot big titted blond sitting at the table with her huge boyfriend, and tells the ugly man that he bet $50 that he couldn’t get the woman to even talk to him.

The ugly man agrees and says "I'll bet another $50 that I can walk straight out the door with her.

The bartender accepted.

The ugly man walked over the girl jumped into his arms and they walked out the door.

The bartender went over to the boyfriend and said, "Damn that sucks but what happened?"

The man replied with "I don’t know. He just stood there lickin his eyebrows."

I'm pissed off. I was going through a magazine in a paper shop earlier, and the bloody gun jammed.

Tony

I hear Heinz are selling Baked Beans in plastic pots now.

It's uncanny.

Quasimodo returns home after a hard days bell ringing at the Notre Dame. Mrs Quasimodo is in the kitchen holding a wok, Oh, great are we having stir fry for supper? No, I'm just ironing your shirts.

Went to my girlfriends funeral yesterday. It was the 1st time I had met her parents. What a pair of miserable fuckers they turned out to be !

Two Muslim mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.'

'Yes, I remember him as a baby,' says the other mother cheerfully.

'He's a martyr now though,' the mother confides.

'Oh, so sad dear,' says the other.

'And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.'

'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born.'

'He's a martyr too,' says the mother quietly.

'Oh, gracious me . . . , ' says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18,' she whispers.

'Yes,' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school.'

'He's a martyr also,' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says,

'They blow up so fast, don't they?'

Whats more annoying than the dog chewing your shoe?



The killer whale eating your trainer!

A guy is chattiing up a pretty girl in the local night club, and after a few drinks their conversation becomes a little more intimate. Hows your sex life, he asks her. Infrequent, she answers. After thinking about this for a moment he asks, is that one word or two.

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law? About 2.3 pounds including the urn..


I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me... 'Oi, what's your disability?' I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off!'


What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair? Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.


A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'. He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'. She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.


My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.... "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.


I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning." He replied, "No, just having a sh * t."


I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!


I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.. How could anyone stoop so low?


I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

Just found an old box of adult xmas crackers then?

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to a gorgeous
woman he spotted dining alone.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the
gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and
decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering
for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your
garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
return.

He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return
this to the woman.

It read:

"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes
CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million
dollars in my bank account... But not even for a woman as beautiful as
you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."

From a desperate wife, advertisement in local paper.

"For sale, Naim hifi system complete. Phone 664663. If a bloke answers, hang up."

Don
Sunny downtown York

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,

"Does she still have the hiccups?"

It's the build up to the general election and the labour party already appear to have one foot in the grave.

What's blue and f**ks old women?....



Me, in my lucky blue coat!

I thought that was hypothermia?

What's grey, sits at the end of your bed and just takes the piss?



The Dialysis machine

Britains Winter Olympic Gold medallist Amy Williams has thanked David Beckham for his invaluable advice on riding a skeleton.

Tony

Michael Caine throws a party,all of the beautiful people are there,The Beatles,The Stones,Jim Morrison and the boys from the group,Mary Quant,Twiggy the lot.After an hour or so he sees Jim Morrison and the boys leaving,so he goes up to him and asks what's wrong.Jim tells him that it's a 'drag' and they're going.Caine calls over a beautiful groupie and having whispered in her ear she,Jim and the group go off into a bedroom.An hour or so later everyone emerges with big smiles all round and rejoin the party.Some time later Caine sees the groupie in animated conversation with Ringo and decides to keep an eye on the situation.Shortly afterwards he sees Ringo and the groupie about to sneak off into a bedroom and annoyed he shouts over to her,'Oi,you were only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!'

My mate's shagging a pair of twins.
I said 'how do you tell them apart?'
He said 'it's easy.... Julie's got long blonde hair and Derek's got a moustache.'

Tony

Got mugged last night. 4 big bastards kicked the shit out of me.....
Against all odds I managed to knock one out.......
Probably not the best time for a wank, but it could have been my last!

Tony

My wife used to be slim and pretty, not any more...
I shouldn't have gone to Specsavers.

There was this bloke, says to his allegedly no longer slim and pretty wife*, 'please dear, can I have a pair of DBLs? They even do them in maple...'

'No, you shouldn't have gone Specsavers, should you...'

*All opinions expressed in this post are not those of the author... etc.

I wonder if they do special unobtrusive size-reducing contact lenses I can slip under her eyelids whilst she's asleep?

There's an obvious quip in reply to that Tony - I must desist