Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Yes, I forgot our anniversary again.
and thats before valentines day !!!
Last night we did it doggy paddle fashion.
Her Hoover will work great now.
That was until I saw her putting her make up on.
They've got a sail on.
Surely it's Jesus.
Turns out she wanted Valentines Day mascara.
My doctor asked me if I drink to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.
A dog went to the telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.'
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, 'There are only nine words here. You could send another "Woof" for the same price.
'But,' the dog replied, 'that would make no sense at all.
He really needs to get a life.
I was getting worried that he wasn't able to survive on £250,000 a week.
Last night we did it doggy paddle fashion.
Or the alternate joke:
My wife really enjoys sex outdoors.
I just wish I wasn't in the bedroom alone when she does.
Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function
& all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me. It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.
She looked at me deep & steady and I heard her slowly say, 'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'
I managed to mumble in reply,
'Can I feel your tits, then
We men 'll never learn !
A woman went through a red traffic light and T Boned a man's car.
Both of their cars are write offs but amazingly neither driver is hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look at our cars! They are totally wrecked. I am very sorry but fortunately we are both absolutely unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."
Adam ate the apple, too! Men will never learn!
Well done Tony, down to your usual standard.
Well done Tony, down to your usual standard.
LOL!
"Err, my brother-in-law's here," he whispered. "He's a policeman."
"Okay." I said. "Does that mean none or lots?"
"Err, my brother-in-law's here," he whispered. "He's a policeman."
"Okay." I said. "Does that mean none or lots?"
Variation on:
I hate people who take drugs; such as customs officers and policemen.
"Are you absolutely sure it's her?" asked the policeman.
"Yes," I said. "She's cold and she isn't talking to me, what more do you want?"
Fanta sized, actually.
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position...
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men....
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning..
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .. 'HEBREWS'
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight, Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed..
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up..'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests..
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a
rough draft before the masterpiece
SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!