Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations Theirs will be first on the schedule. The older boy leans over and asks, "What are you having done?" The second boy says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid." The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze." The second boy then asks, "What are you going in for?" The first boy says, "Circumcision." "Whoa!" the smaller boy replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
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A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who is
wearing sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, ' Who are you, so that I may know whether or
not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?'
The guy replies, 'I’m Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.'
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and
golden staff and enter the Kingdom.'
The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden
staff and enter the Kingdom.’
'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe
and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?’
'Up here, we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached, people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'
I knew you‘d like it!
Confucius Say.
It's ok to let a fool kiss you,
but don't let a kiss fool you.
Confucius Say.
A kiss is just shopping upstairs
for downstairs merchandise.
Confucius Say.
It is better to lose a lover
than love a loser.
Confucius Say.
Man with a broken condom
is called a Daddy
Confucius Say.
A drunken man's words
are a sober man's thoughts.
Confucius Say.
Marriage is like a bank account.
You put it in, you take it out,
and you lose interest.
Confucius Say.
Viagra is like Disneyland ...
a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.
Confucius Say.
It is much better to want the mate you do not have
than to have the mate you do not want.
Confucius Say.
A joke is like sex.
Neither is any good if you don't get it.
Black and White?
(Under the age of 40? You won't understand.)
My mum used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread butter on bread on the same wooden cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.
Our school sandwiches were wrapped in greaseproof paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e. coli
Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake or at the beach instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.
We all took PE ..... and risked permanent injury wearing a pair of Dunlop plimsoles instead of having designer label athletic trainers with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors that cost as much as a small car. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.
We got the cane for doing something wrong at school. They used to call it discipline and we complained about it at the time, yet we all grew up to accept the rules and to honour & respect those older than us.
We had 30+ kids in our class and we all learned to read and write, do our multiplication tables and correctly spell almost all the words needed to write a grammatically correct letter......., FUNNY THAT!!
We all said prayers in school and sang the national anthem, and getting detention after school caused all sorts of negative attention.
We all thought that we were supposed to accomplish something before we were allowed to be proud of ourselves.
I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital stations on Sky TV. We weren't!!
Oh yeah ... and where was the antibiotics and sterilisation kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!
We played “He” and “King of the Hill” on piles of gravel left on vacant building sites and when we got hurt, mum pulled out the 2/6p bottle of Dettol and then we got our backside spanked.
Now it's a trip to A&E, followed by a 10 day dose of antibiotics and then mum calls the lawyer to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family.
How could we possibly have known that?
We never needed to get into group therapy and/or anger management classes and on-one had ever heard of such a thing as ADHD.
We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!
How on earth did we ever survive?
LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA.
AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T, SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED.
I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING!
Pass this to someone and remember that life's most simple pleasures are very often the best.
AAAAh, those WERE the days!!!!
Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on walkabout in Australia but about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.
"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.
"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.
Not surprisingly, again Wiremu refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."
"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."
"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me.”
it's all all balls very good
No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired.
Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured van, practically landing at their feet.
Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand pounds!
Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door.
"Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No".
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile"
The officers turned to Andy and began to question him.
One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . .”
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "On yer bike, we're outta here!"
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Frank and Tony are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, smoking and drinking beer when suddenly Tony says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she's not spoken to me in over 2 months."
Frank puffs at his fag, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over mate . . . women like that are hard to find."
I hope this doesn't put the price of bacon up.
One day in the future, George Bush has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," Says the devil.
"You are on my list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water.
Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed.
Over and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing.
Such was his fate in hell.
"No," George said. "I don't think so.
I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.
The devil opened a third door.
Through it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his
legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best
George looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah Man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said...........
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
Deep thinking...
What deep thinkers men are...
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'.
The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'.
At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer.
Dear Mr. Cameron,
Please find below our suggestion for fixing the UK 's economy.
Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.
You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:
There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.
Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:
1) They MUST retire.
Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed
2) They MUST buy a new British car.
Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed
4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -
Crime rate fixed
5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....
And there's your money back in duty/tax etc
It can't get any easier than that!
P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances
If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.
Also.....
Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.
This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.
Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.
The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.
Short Story With a Moral
A few years ago in a small town robbers entered a bank and one of them shouted: "Don't move! The money belongs to the bank. Your lives belong to you.” Immediately all the people in the bank laid on the floor quietly and without panic.
This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make everyone change their world view.
One woman lay on the floor in a provocative manner. The robber approached her saying, "Ma'am, this is a robbery not a rape. Please behave accordingly."
This is an example of how to behave professionally, and focus on the goal.
While running from the bank the young robber (who had a college degree) said to the older robber (who barely finished elementary school): "Hey, maybe we should count how much we stole." The older man replied: "Don’t be stupid. It's a lot of money so let's wait for the news to be told how much money was taken from the bank."
This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree.
After the robbery, the manager of the bank said to his accountant: "Let's call the cops." The accountant said: "Wait, before we do that let's add the $800,000 to the robbery of that we took for ourselves a few months ago ,and just say that it was stolen. "
This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity.
The following day it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed of $ 3 million. The robbers counted the money, but they found only $1 million so they started to grumble. "We risked our lives for $1 million, while the bank's management robbed two million dollars without blinking? Maybe its better to learn how to work the system, instead of being a simple robber.
"This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power.”
Give a person a gun, and he can rob a bank.
Give a person a bank, and he can rob everyone.
He was much younger then, so he was known as Gary Numan.
This is a TRUE story about a guy i play tennis with. He went to university and is a retired school teacher,so you would think he had half a brain cell......WRONG.
A few months ago his wife bought this posh cordless doorbell system for their front door. He had several goes in that time to install the thing all to no avail. So yesterday in desperation his missus calls in an electrician to get the thing working. Guy turns up and starts work. 2 minutes and 60 quid later she hears the door bell ringing. Guy says to her i managed to put the batteries in the correct way round.
Mista H
Hopefully, for the last bloody time.
This is a TRUE story about a guy i play tennis with. He went to university and is a retired school teacher,so you would think he had half a brain cell......WRONG.
A few months ago his wife bought this posh cordless doorbell system for their front door. He had several goes in that time to install the thing all to no avail. So yesterday in desperation his missus calls in an electrician to get the thing working. Guy turns up and starts work. 2 minutes and 60 quid later she hears the door bell ringing. Guy says to her i managed to put the batteries in the correct way round.
Mista H
Or put another way:
"A guy I play tennis with put his doorbell batteries in the wrong way round, honest!"
Silly but a laughstuffed dogsPaddy took two magnificent stuffed dogs to an Antiques Roadshow.
"”Ooh”," said the presenter. “"This is a very rare set produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?”"
"Sticks”," said Paddy.....
Have you ever played the Eskimo lottery?
You have to be Inuit to win it.
