Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Posted on: 22 February 2014 by Tony Lockhart
For our twentieth wedding anniversary I decided to do something extra special. It cost me almost every penny I had, but my wife is now just like the day we first met.
Single.
Posted on: 23 February 2014 by tonym
Posted on: 23 February 2014 by Tony Lockhart
Whenever I play Rugby I always target the opposition's star player and try to injure them with a crunching tackle.
Some people say I'm the dirtiest player in the whole Warwickshire lawn bowls league.
Posted on: 23 February 2014 by Tony Lockhart
My wife wants me to have a vasectomy.
I don't know who the hell she thinks I'm having sex with.
Posted on: 23 February 2014 by Tony Lockhart
A man dressed in a white rodent costume has been seen mugging women at knife point.
Police have warned people not to approach the suspect as he's armed and Dangermouse.
Posted on: 23 February 2014 by mista h
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
Posted on: 23 February 2014 by mista h
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.
Posted on: 23 February 2014 by mista h
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Posted on: 23 February 2014 by mista h
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Posted on: 23 February 2014 by mista h
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? 'Are you sure it's mine?'
Posted on: 23 February 2014 by mista h
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Ferrari?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Posted on: 23 February 2014 by Tony2011
Originally Posted by mista h:
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Ferrari?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Talking about pricks, one of them makes sweet music.The other one really sucks!
Posted on: 23 February 2014 by MDS
Originally Posted by mista h:
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
And similarly, how do you tell true love?
Shut your wife and dog in the boot of your car and after an hour see which one is still pleased to see you.
Posted on: 23 February 2014 by mista h
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F..... Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Posted on: 23 February 2014 by Reginald Halliday
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
Posted on: 23 February 2014 by Reginald Halliday
A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.
When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
Posted on: 23 February 2014 by tonym
Oh my! 
Posted on: 23 February 2014 by mista h
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment
Posted on: 23 February 2014 by tonym
A couple are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a prostitute. She's not quite sure what to do, so the husband says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge a hundred pounds. Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."
She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a guy pulls up and asks "How much?" She says, "A hundred pounds." He replies, " All I got is thirty."
She says, "Hold on," and runs back to the husband and asks. "What now. What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job," the husband replied. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty pounds is a hand job.
He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops this HUGE willy. She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "I'll be right back.." She runs back to the husband.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"Any chance you could lend this guy seventy pounds?"
Posted on: 24 February 2014 by Tony Lockhart
A photograph of some black stereo types
Posted on: 24 February 2014 by mista h
BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT |
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers: FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.Also 1 gay bull for sale. JOINING NUDIST COLONY!Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie. **** And the WINNER is... **** FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
|
Posted on: 24 February 2014 by winkyincanada
Originally Posted by mista h:
|
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
|
For Sale By Owner:
Suzuki GSXR1000. Near new. 350km. $14,000 o.n.o. Reasion for sale: Apparently, "Do whatever the f%$# you want" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Posted on: 24 February 2014 by Bananahead
A man was leaving a cafe, when he noticed an unusual funeral...
A funeral coffin was followed by a second one.
Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with the black dog.
Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in a straight line.
The man couldnt stand his curiosity..
he approached the man walking with the dog.
I m sorry to disturb you...but i have never seen a funeral like this before with so many men following in a straight line.
Whos funeral is it???
he replied that 1st coffin is for my wife. My dog attacked and killed her.
The 2nd coffin is for my mother in law. she tried to help my wife and the dog killed her too.
A silent moment passed and then he asked, can i borrow the dog??? 
The man replied...
Get in the LINE
Posted on: 24 February 2014 by mista h
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Children Are Quick
____________________________________ TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog. (I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH
Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off | | | |
Posted on: 25 February 2014 by Tony Lockhart
My grandad died in a Nazi concentration camp.
He fell out of the watchtower.
