Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Reusable Downstairs Toupee"
.....but why do so many blondes buy the black version?
Got it! Downstairs Toupe! I thought it was something for on the ground floor only at first!
Gripping stuff indeed. How does it stay in place?
Uhoo!
ATB from George
I keep an old paraffin blowlamp for precisely that purpose. I have to dampen my toupee first, however.
I don't have an upstairs toupe.
Ugly to boot, but you get past caring, but ear and nasal hair as well as serious Dennis Healley eyebrows are a daily nuisance! Having an eyeball stabbed by a serious eyebrow hair is painful!
On my rare visits to the barber, he spends longer on my eyebrows than my real haircut. At least it is not a mono-brow ...
ATB from George
I wish they would find a treatment for the unwanted hair that grows out of the ears and nose!
ATB from George
They have, George. It’s called, tweezers! 
Dear Debs,
I know about tweezers. It hurts!
I use a fag lighter on my ears now and then, works for a while!
ATB from George
Dear George,
i always thought it was the lighter JSB that set your ears on fire, not the JPS lighter! : )
Debs
First get the hair away, and then the JSB is even hotter!
Very best from George
PS Getting my NACA 5 re-teriminated tomorrow after tea, at the speaker end. Apparently the nickel Naim pins are the ideal with ESLs, though without the plug housing. Terminated straight on with shrink wrap ...
Also later on a Polish Party to celebrate the return home of a friend of eight years standing. He must be a Tory trying to fix the immigration figures, though the Poles are flooding out of the UK at the moment1 At least I shall have an excuse to catch the bus to Poland [from Birmingham] in time to celebrate one more time!
"On the internet" I told her.
"What, one of those dating sites?" She enquired
"Yeah, sort of" I mumbled.
"Aww that's sweet, so what's her name?" She asked me
"DorsetSlut69" I said.
A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me.!'
'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highlyintelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto yourperch, without any feet.?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, Iwrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't seeit, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English,can't you.?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonablecompetence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics,philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You reallyought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't affordthat.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me,cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just makethe guy an offer.!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, heunderstands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,'and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, andthe UPS man.'
'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.
'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door,in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, andbegan petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'
'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees,and began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'
DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'
The barman says "Long time no sea."
A man received the following text from his neighbour:
'I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again'.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
'Damned autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife"'.
Only an Aussie Can Make You Feel Like A Woman
A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and
things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.
One woman lost it completely.
She stood up in the front of the plane
and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If
I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is
there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'
For a moment, there was silence.
Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then
the man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane.
He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he
went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles
rippled across his chest.
She gasped...
Then, he spoke...
'Iron this -- and
then get me a beer.'
He said "Thanks".
I said "Don't mention it".
For twenty four years now they've been coming to my door and giving me free toilet paper.
Funny you said that. Just had a well known politician(woman) knocking at my door, begging for votes and handing me some papers which would not get anywhere near my posterior. I would rather use a cheese grater.
Funny you said that. Just had a well known politician(woman) knocking at my door, begging for votes and handing me some papers which would not get anywhere near my posterior. I would rather use a cheese grater.
If they're political papers, they're already full of sh1t.
Funny you said that. Just had a well known politician(woman) knocking at my door, begging for votes and handing me some papers which would not get anywhere near my posterior. I would rather use a cheese grater.
If they're political papers, they're already full of sh1t.
LOL
He said "Thanks".
I said "Don't mention it".
That's good!
Probably as old as the hills, but funny.
G
So it was a good buy from me, and a good buy from him.
