Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
On a private beach in the Caribbean.
A Liverpool girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall"
She says "I'll take the red one"
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher"
Q. What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl?
A. Granny
Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride
Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter
Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who is
driving?
A. The policeman
Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool ?
A. Father's day
Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Liverpool ?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got
one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his
nymphomaniac twin daughters.
You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform
provided.
The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to
escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays.
The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bullshitting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious
object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disk.
I'm in prison for stabbing him.
3 - the number of Stooges.
12 - the number of episodes of "Fawlty Towers".
173 - the number of times this week I've heard the "Oscar Pistorius hasn't got a leg to stand on" joke.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
“Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome ... So, how are you getting there?"
"We're going BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Hotel Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him, he'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a 5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said: "Who the F**k did your hair?"
On the plus side, he cooks a mean burger.
A Liverpool girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall"
She says "I'll take the red one"
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher"
Q. What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl?
A. Granny
Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride
Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter
Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who is
driving?
A. The policeman
Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool ?
A. Father's day
Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Liverpool ?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got
one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his
nymphomaniac twin daughters.
You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform
provided.
The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to
escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays.
The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bullshitting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious
object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disk.
One of the country's top comedians has been accused of peddling lazy stereotypes about Croydon after posting a snide remark about the town on a social networking site.
Jimmy Carr, who was in the borough on Tuesday to perform at the Fairfield Halls, wrote on Twitter: "I'm having a knife crime in Croydon.
"Sorry nice time. It's 1974 here."
Read more: http://legacy.thisiscroydontod...y.html#ixzz2v6coWUJX
A Liverpool girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall"
She says "I'll take the red one"
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher"
Q. What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl?
A. Granny
Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride
Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter
Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who is
driving?
A. The policeman
Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool ?
A. Father's day
Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Liverpool ?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got
one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his
nymphomaniac twin daughters.
You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform
provided.
The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to
escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays.
The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bullshitting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious
object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disk.
One of the country's top comedians has been accused of peddling lazy stereotypes about Croydon after posting a snide remark about the town on a social networking site.
Jimmy Carr, who was in the borough on Tuesday to perform at the Fairfield Halls, wrote on Twitter: "I'm having a knife crime in Croydon.
"Sorry nice time. It's 1974 here."
Read more: http://legacy.thisiscroydontod...y.html#ixzz2v6coWUJX
Link not working for me !!!
Mista H
173 - the number of times this week I've heard the "Oscar Pistorius hasn't got a leg to stand on" joke.
"Have you ever retired a human by mistake?"
Apparently at the time of the shooting it was pitch black in the room. He couldn't see two feet in front of him.
This is a picture on our vets profile
page
This is a picture on our vets profile page
Whatever it was, scared the 5hit out of the poor soul!
This is a picture on our vets profile page
Whatever it was, scared the 5hit out of the poor soul!
Perhaps he just heard that he was being sent to a zoo in Copenhagen.
Then for a bit of excitement after the match, we can watch it bloody dry.
Thought for the day -
It's only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realise there is always a non-violent solution to a problem.
He was later arrested after refusing to get back in and watch.
"Don't be silly," I said. "With a bit of make up and camera trickery, you'd be identical."
"Really?" she asked, perking up. "I could look like Nigella?"
"Oh, sorry," I replied. "I thought you were talking about that potato."
Richard...One of my old Bike dealers posted this on there facebook page and they dont mind sharing it.....quite funny
SHARE with friends and SPREAD the LAUGHTER
173 - the number of times this week I've heard the "Oscar Pistorius hasn't got a leg to stand on" joke.
The defence attorney turns to Oscar and says 'If you'd used some shoe polish to blacken her up, you'd have got away with this'. Then he thought for a minute and realised it was in bad taste. Why would Oscar have a tin of shoe polish.
"Don't be silly," I said. "With a bit of make up and camera trickery, you'd be identical."
"Really?" she asked, perking up. "I could look like Nigella?"
"Oh, sorry," I replied. "I thought you were talking about that potato."
One of a long line of famous last words?