Best Jokes (continues)

Richard...One of my old Bike dealers posted this on there facebook page and they dont mind sharing it.....quite funny

TOO FUNNY! Why does Daisy (the little dog) eat first? You'll see

SHARE with friends and SPREAD the LAUGHTER

 

Funny thing mista h. That's looks like it's from the 95.7 KJR facebook page. That is the radio station in Seattle I usually listen to while driving. Small world?

...or famous last wives?

I still can't quite work out how my ex-girlfriend thought, on seeing a set of DBLs that had newly arrived at my flat since her previous visit, that the phrase "Those things are never coming into any house that we have together" was anything other than confirmation of an option and her happy acceptance that there could be a choice made...

...mind you the ex-wife seemed to think the same when she said "You're not having a TVR while we're together" too and - well ...

Phil

That's almost as funny as one of my ex's saying, either those speakers go or I do.

I am still enjoying listening to my ART's

Richard...One of my old Bike dealers posted this on there facebook page and they dont mind sharing it.....quite funny

TOO FUNNY! Why does Daisy (the little dog) eat first? You'll see

SHARE with friends and SPREAD the LAUGHTER

 

OK. Moderately funny.

But my main concern was that this stupid woman apparently drives around with her dogs on the front seat of her car, creating a hazard for herself, her dogs and other road users. She obviously doesn't think it is an issue.

PENSIONER'S REPLY IN SUPERMARKET.
> 
> Yesterday I was at my local supermarket buying a large bag of Chum dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog?
> 
> What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Chum Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
> 
> I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets with Chum nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well, and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my
> story.)
> 
> Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
> I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from that shop. [Didn't like shopping there anyway.]
> 
> BETTER WATCH WHAT YOU ASK RETIRED PEOPLE. THEY HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD TO THINK OF DAFT THINGS TO SAY.
> 
> Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends..... it will be their laugh for the day.
> >
> > Retired? Yeah, you're close enough !!!!

You need to get a life winkyincanada.  Get out more.  The car was parked.  It was stationary.  Who are you to say that the woman is stupid?  You are a genius, right?  Presumably you watched the lady drive off with both dogs in the front of the car.  Looks to me that the lady parked her car after she bought the ice cream.  She then let her dogs into the front of the car so that she could film them eating the ice cream.  I  must be incredibly sad and stupid because I thought the film was very funny.  The expression on Cooper's face was quite amusing as he impatiently waited for his turn to lick the ice cream. 

Glad that we are all different.

The dog bed on the passenger front seat was the give away.

 Motorists just don't get it. Driving is the one thing they do that endangers the lives and well-being of others but they simply don't f^%$ing care. I saw an equally stupid woman driving with her "precious" on her lap just yesterday evening.

OK, OK. Maybe the're not stupid. Maybe they are just selfish, ignorant and lack any empathy towards the people they may kill or injure.

That sounds pretty bad. I too would be inclined to suggest some improvements to them, but I'd perhaps not resort to physical violence.

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. 
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. 
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. 
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either! 

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An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" 
" Why, I've been to the pub of course," Slurs the drunk. 
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." 
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. 
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, 
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" 
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. 
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

*****************************************************************************

 

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. 
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya". 
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" 
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at theGuinness brewery..." 
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." 
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry. 

"How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

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Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. 
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" 
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." 
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" 
She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? " 
She says, he said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

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http://www.telegraph.co.uk/foo...ock-Inn-Sarratt.html

BTW I don't read the Torygraph - heaven forbid - I'm Red

Only the Irish have Jokes Like These

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. 
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, His face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp 
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. 
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. 
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you. He must havehad something in his hand." 
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." 
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" 
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

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Funny but over forty years ago I heard about

Miss Mary Keeps

The Cock Inn

Tillit

Wilts

Good luck finding that address too.

Same here 40 years ago.

Lady Angela Lykes

The Cockwell Inn

Tillit

Herts

Heads, shoulders......

I love it! Thank you Tony.