Best Jokes (continues)

What's grey, sits at the end of your bed and just takes the piss?



The Dialysis machine

Britains Winter Olympic Gold medallist Amy Williams has thanked David Beckham for his invaluable advice on riding a skeleton.

Tony

Michael Caine throws a party,all of the beautiful people are there,The Beatles,The Stones,Jim Morrison and the boys from the group,Mary Quant,Twiggy the lot.After an hour or so he sees Jim Morrison and the boys leaving,so he goes up to him and asks what's wrong.Jim tells him that it's a 'drag' and they're going.Caine calls over a beautiful groupie and having whispered in her ear she,Jim and the group go off into a bedroom.An hour or so later everyone emerges with big smiles all round and rejoin the party.Some time later Caine sees the groupie in animated conversation with Ringo and decides to keep an eye on the situation.Shortly afterwards he sees Ringo and the groupie about to sneak off into a bedroom and annoyed he shouts over to her,'Oi,you were only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!'

My mate's shagging a pair of twins.
I said 'how do you tell them apart?'
He said 'it's easy.... Julie's got long blonde hair and Derek's got a moustache.'

Tony

Got mugged last night. 4 big bastards kicked the shit out of me.....
Against all odds I managed to knock one out.......
Probably not the best time for a wank, but it could have been my last!

Tony

My wife used to be slim and pretty, not any more...
I shouldn't have gone to Specsavers.

There was this bloke, says to his allegedly no longer slim and pretty wife*, 'please dear, can I have a pair of DBLs? They even do them in maple...'

'No, you shouldn't have gone Specsavers, should you...'

*All opinions expressed in this post are not those of the author... etc.

I wonder if they do special unobtrusive size-reducing contact lenses I can slip under her eyelids whilst she's asleep?

There's an obvious quip in reply to that Tony - I must desist

I was wondering if it was wise to supply optical correction devices that make things appear smaller....

Assumes that the assessment is visual not.....tactile

Moving swiftly on...

I phoned the UK Fisheries Protection help line today.

A message said "This call may be recorded and used for training porpoises".

My training for having sex with kangaroos is coming on leaps and bounds.

Tony


PS. I made that up today!!

How I learned to mind my own business:

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,

And all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see
What was going on.....

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

quote:

Originally posted by Consciousmess:
How I learned to mind my own business:

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,

And all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see
What was going on.....

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

I bet you went back the next week to make sure.

53,000 Geordies meet in St. James Park for a 'Geordies Are Not Stupid' convention.

Alan Shearer addresses the crowd.. 'We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?'

Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

Shearer asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?'

After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says, 'Eighteen!'

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Geordies start chanting 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

Shearer says 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance. So he asks 'What is 5 plus 5?'

After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, 'Ninety?'

Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.

Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying.

But then the 53,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting ' Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, 'OK then, what is 2 plus 2?’

Silence hangs over the stadium.

Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?'

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream

'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

PRESS RELEASE: UNION NEGOTIATIONS STRIKE IMMINENT!
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."
Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"
Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good, fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.
Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas.. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that........it's too much to swallow".
Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.
Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon, North Kent and the entire Australian continent stated that this would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".

Hi Babe

I've left that wanker Ashley, i'm on my way to see you big boy and i'm horny as f*ck.

Love Cheryl.x x

PS If Carling did text messages, you'd be the last person>c**t< she'd sent this to.

Tony

A blonde and a brunette are talking in the office...

Blonde: I'm not feeling very well... I have a sore throat.

Brunette: When I have a sore throat, I give my husband a blow job... the next day, my throat is fine.

Blonde: Hmmm... interesting.

The next day...

Brunette: How's your throat?

Blonde: Fine... your idea was great! Your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!

Someone keeps spreading topsoil over my neighbour's allotment. It happened twice last week and again last night.

The plot thickens...

Did you hear about the Peas who went off to have a fight with the Red Hot Chilli Peppers?

They came off the worse, and are now called the Black-eyed Peas!

Sorry, ATB from George

Open Letter To Jesse James..


Dear Jessie,

You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock? How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world; she has a body to die for, and her current wealth and predicted wealth is shadowed only by Oprah, who even Steadman will tell you, isn't attractive.

But your wife, who recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now the named "America's Sweetheart"; you also remember she just won an Oscar (which translates to more money per picture she makes in the future)...while you were shacking with that tattooed freak, who just happens to be a former stripper and is someone's mommy.

You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated asshole cheater on the planet! And while the State of California is a no-fault state whereby you may be able to take half of your wife's wealth, in doing so you would only be hated even more...especially after Sandra's speech during the Oscars in which she did nothing but praise you. How can you live with yourself after she even cared for your children?

I only have one thing to say to a despicable, miserable, cheating piece of crap that you are:

Thank You!! You really helped to take the heat off of of me. Let’s do lunch sometime and compare notes.

Tiger Woods

A leading TV producer has had to abandon plans to make the series CSI: Barnsley (insert your choice of town here) - there are so few dental records and everyone has the same DNA.
B'boom, tish.