Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Posted on: 14 March 2014 by Tony Lockhart
I hope my Nan's not cooking me steak tonight.
Posted on: 14 March 2014 by Tony Lockhart
Steak: check.
Henry Hoover: check.
Well, at least I have someone to look at.
Posted on: 14 March 2014 by Tony Lockhart
When Bono appears on television in Japan, they just pixelate all of him.
Posted on: 15 March 2014 by mista h
TIME FOR A LITTLE LAUGHTERJ SIPPING VODKA | | | | Finally, a chain letter that I don't mind forwarding. | | | | | | | | It's funny (don't break chain) | | | | | | A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done. | | | | The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." | | | | So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. | | | | Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: | | | | 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp. | | 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. | | 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. | | 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. | | 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. | | 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.. | | 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. | | 8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.. | | 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. | | 10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.' | | 11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me." | | 12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'. | | 13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. | | 14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's. | | | | The Origination of this letter is unknown, but it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on. The one who breaks the chain will have bad luck. | | | | Do not keep this letter. Do not send money just forward it to twelve of your friends to whom you wish good luck and a great laugh. You will see that something good happens to you four days from now if the chain is not broken. |
| |
|
Posted on: 15 March 2014 by Tony Lockhart
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.
Those who don't delete history are doomed to explain it.
Posted on: 15 March 2014 by Tony Lockhart
A classic cartoon from Viz, when it was funny
Posted on: 16 March 2014 by mista h
Hello Richard
I seem to be getting things wrong with my `picture posts` as several are coming back not approved. I do try to keep them clean with no foul language,but its clear i am doing something wrong. If you get a few minutes in your busy life i was wondering if you would drop me a very short e mail to advise me what is OK and was is not OK with my picture posts.
Thanks
Alan hemingway
Posted on: 16 March 2014 by BigH47
More often than not, a massage will turn into sex.
Which is why I'm no longer the physio at Doncaster Rovers.
Posted on: 17 March 2014 by Mike-B
Posted on: 17 March 2014 by Tony Lockhart
What's the difference between an Afghan military base, and a Pakistani primary school?
I don't know, I just fly the drone.
Posted on: 18 March 2014 by mista h
Who can spot the cock up in this picture!!
Posted on: 18 March 2014 by Richard D
Must be a copper, obviously having the long arm of the law on his side
Posted on: 18 March 2014 by mista h
Posted on: 18 March 2014 by mista h
Have several of these,if Richard OKs t
Hello -- I have questions!
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
his one will post more
Posted on: 18 March 2014 by mista h
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five
enjoys it?
Posted on: 18 March 2014 by mista h
Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
Posted on: 18 March 2014 by rodwsmith
These things in boxes-within-boxes completely screw up viewing the forum on a mobile device, any chance you could cut and paste a bit more selectively?
Posted on: 18 March 2014 by Steve J
New Toilet Door Lock
This one deserves an Oscar.
Posted on: 18 March 2014 by Tony Lockhart
I've just got a job in a methane factory.
I fart next Monday.
Posted on: 18 March 2014 by Tony Lockhart
Posted on: 18 March 2014 by Tony Lockhart
Ok, it's an A380, but still......
Posted on: 18 March 2014 by Steve J
That's priceless and so prophetic Tony, including the line 'Lose yourself on a journey of epic proportions'.
Posted on: 18 March 2014 by mista h
Originally Posted by rodwsmith:
These things in boxes-within-boxes completely screw up viewing the forum on a mobile device, any chance you could cut and paste a bit more selectively?
Rod
Its taken me this long to even learn how to just cut & paste,and thats thanks to some useful tips from jota. Sorry but computers and moi dont get on to well. I will try my best however.
Mista H
Posted on: 18 March 2014 by mista h
Posted on: 18 March 2014 by mista h
Bongo knows that turns bright red in 15 minutes!
