Best Jokes (continues)

Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007

http://forums.naim-audio.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/58019385/m/4391984906
Posted on: 28 March 2014 by Tony Lockhart
Retrospectively, I wish I'd bought my baked beans online.


Heinz site's a wonderful thing.
Posted on: 28 March 2014 by Sniper

I know a man who asks 100 girls for sex each day. He says it is just a numbers game and that if you ask enough girls, one at least, will say yes. 

 

Mindful of this numbers game I have lived in hope that at least once a day I can look at one of mista h's 'jokes' and find it funny but so far this numbers game thingy does not seem to work so I feel reluctant to ask 100 girls for sex. So I will be sticking with the wife and scrolling down this ere joke thread pretty smartly to avoid any of his posts. 

Posted on: 28 March 2014 by jjbomber
Originally Posted by Sniper:

I know a man who asks 100 girls for sex each day. He says it is just a numbers game and that if you ask enough girls, one at least, will say yes. 

 

Mindful of this numbers game I have lived in hope that at least once a day I can look at one of mista h's 'jokes' and find it funny but so far this numbers game thingy does not seem to work so I feel reluctant to ask 100 girls for sex. So I will be sticking with the wife and scrolling down this ere joke thread pretty smartly to avoid any of his posts. 

There is no point looking for something funny if you don't have a sense of humour. Similarly, there is no point asking 100 girls for sex when you are a w@nker.

Posted on: 28 March 2014 by Tony Lockhart
"..And for our next act,please welcome,The Garbage Collectors."

"Take it away boys."
Posted on: 29 March 2014 by Tony Lockhart
I got home from the shops, and my wife came at me with a knife as soon as she saw me.

I wasn't going to fight with her. I just gave her the bloody cake.
Posted on: 29 March 2014 by Tony Lockhart
I've started to call my sister-in-law the genie, because when a bottle opens, she appears.
Posted on: 29 March 2014 by Clay Bingham
Originally Posted by jjbomber:
Originally Posted by Sniper:

I know a man who asks 100 girls for sex each day. He says it is just a numbers game and that if you ask enough girls, one at least, will say yes. 

 

Mindful of this numbers game I have lived in hope that at least once a day I can look at one of mista h's 'jokes' and find it funny but so far this numbers game thingy does not seem to work so I feel reluctant to ask 100 girls for sex. So I will be sticking with the wife and scrolling down this ere joke thread pretty smartly to avoid any of his posts. 

There is no point looking for something funny if you don't have a sense of humour. Similarly, there is no point asking 100 girls for sex when you are a w@nker.

A big + 1.  I enjoy most of mista h's stuff, but even if I didn't, I simply don't understand the rudeness. 

Posted on: 29 March 2014 by sheffieldgraham

Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :

 

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54

years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value

you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you

will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening

with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be

upset----I shall be home before midnight.

 

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on

the dining room table:

 

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty

about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to

remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math

teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you

read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my

students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,

and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you

will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small

difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

Posted on: 29 March 2014 by Tony Lockhart
I'll never forget the day I got married.




I've tried everything: drugs, alcohol, even hypnosis.
Posted on: 29 March 2014 by Sniper
Originally Posted by Clay Bingham:
 

A big + 1.  I enjoy most of mista h's stuff, but even if I didn't, I simply don't understand the rudeness. 

I think mista's jokes are banal and infantile but then I'm a grown up and as I don't have any children of school age I'm a bit out of touch with what passes as humour in the school play ground. My post was an attempt at humour too but you and jjbomber have not seen the joke. I wonder if you see the irony?  My post was deliberately slippery and you both fell for it. Who are the wankers here? 

Posted on: 29 March 2014 by joerand
Originally Posted by sheffieldgraham:

Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :

 

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54

years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value

you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you

will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening

with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be

upset----I shall be home before midnight.

 

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on

the dining room table:

 

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty

about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to

remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math

teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you

read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my

students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,

and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you

will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small

difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

I enjoyed this written joke. Genuinely clever, just wish there had been some pictures posted along with it .

Posted on: 30 March 2014 by Tony Lockhart
I saw a reticulated python at the zoo today.

Despite his name, he wasn't very well-spoken.
Posted on: 30 March 2014 by Lionel
Originally Posted by jjbomber:

There is no point looking for something funny if you don't have a sense of humour. Similarly, there is no point asking 100 girls for sex when you are a w@nker.

Now that is funny.

Posted on: 30 March 2014 by Lionel
Originally Posted by Sniper:

My post was deliberately slippery and you both fell for it. Who are the wankers here? 

No one believes that. Suck it up and move on.

Posted on: 30 March 2014 by Tony Lockhart
My wife is spending Mother's Day in hospital after being run over by a convoy of lorries,

So I bought her a bunch of DAFs.
Posted on: 30 March 2014 by mista h

Posted on: 30 March 2014 by mista h
Originally Posted by Clay Bingham:
Originally Posted by jjbomber:
Originally Posted by Sniper:

I know a man who asks 100 girls for sex each day. He says it is just a numbers game and that if you ask enough girls, one at least, will say yes. 

 

Mindful of this numbers game I have lived in hope that at least once a day I can look at one of mista h's 'jokes' and find it funny but so far this numbers game thingy does not seem to work so I feel reluctant to ask 100 girls for sex. So I will be sticking with the wife and scrolling down this ere joke thread pretty smartly to avoid any of his posts. 

There is no point looking for something funny if you don't have a sense of humour. Similarly, there is no point asking 100 girls for sex when you are a w@nker.

A big + 1.  I enjoy most of mista h's stuff, but even if I didn't, I simply don't understand the rudeness. 

Thank you Clay.What i do if i dont like something i just DELETE it and move on....simple.

 

Mista H

Posted on: 31 March 2014 by Tony Lockhart
A music store was robbed. The thief got away with the lute.
Posted on: 01 April 2014 by Tony Lockhart
A colleague came up to my mate from Kings Lynn at work this morning and said "I saw you in the club on Saturday night copping off with some bird. She's old enough to be your Mum!"

He replied "Erm, yeah... that's right."
Posted on: 01 April 2014 by Tony Lockhart
If Karma really exists, Osama bin Laden will be lying at the bottom of the sea with a plane on his head.
Posted on: 01 April 2014 by mista h

 

 
         A STUDENT ASKED HIS ENGLISH PROFESSOR,
         “WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A DILEMMA?”
 
THE PROFESSOR SAID, “WELL, THERE'S NOTHING BETTER THAN AN EXAMPLE TO ILLUSTRATE THAT. IMAGINE YOU ARE LAYING IN A BIG BED WITH  A BEAUTIFUL NAKED YOUNG WOMAN ON ONE SIDE AND A GAY MAN ON THE OTHER SIDE. WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TURN YOUR BACK ON?”
 
Posted on: 02 April 2014 by mista h

In the papers today !! do any of you live in these towns.

Top ten UK towns for affairs

1. Maidenhead - 1,316 affairs, population 63,580 (2.07%)
2. Livingston - 1,080 affairs, population 56,269 (1.92%)
3. Farnborough - 1,008 affairs, population 65,034 (1.55%)
4. Loughborough - 877 affairs, population 59,932 (1.48%)
5. Bracknell - 1,128 affairs, population 77,256 (1.46%)
6. Gravesend - 784 affairs, population 55,467 (1.41%)
7. Beeston - 702 affairs, population 51,479 (1.36%)
8. Aldershot - 776 affairs, population 57,211 (1.35%)
9. Gosport - 960 affairs, population 71,529 (1.34%)
10. Taunton - 802 affairs, population 60,479 (1.33%)

 

Posted on: 02 April 2014 by mista h

Anyone remember these !!

Posted on: 02 April 2014 by mista h

One for Debs.

Posted on: 02 April 2014 by mista h
 
 
 
 
 
Subject: Nick Clegg

 

Nick Clegg walked into a branch of HSBC to cash a cheque. As he approached the cashier he said "Good morning, could you please cash

this cheque for me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Clegg: "Well I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Nick Clegg, the Deputy Prime Minister!!!"

Cashier: "I’m sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc. I must insist on proof of
identity."

Clegg: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry Deputy Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Clegg: "I need this cheque cashed."

Cashier: "Perhaps there’s another way: One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putting iron and
made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Colin Montgomery and cashed his cheque.

Another time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular
shot we cashed his cheque..

So sir, what can you do to prove that you, and only you, are the Deputy Prime Minister?"

Clegg stood there thinking and finally said: "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing I'm good at."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, Deputy Prime Minister?"