Best Jokes (continues)

You would think that Maidenhead was the most popular town for sex with virgins, wouldn't you?

Don overcast downtown York

Er, I used to live in Maidenhead and er, um, well, I actually, er did...

steve

Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed for a job. The interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

The first man replied, "A thought. It pops into your head, there is no forewarning that it is on the way; it is just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That is very good," replied the interviewer. "And now you, sir," he asked the second man.

"Hmmm, let me see..... a blink", said the second man. "It comes and goes and you do not know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!", said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye. That is a very popular cliche for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out on my dads ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man.

"It is hard to beat the speed of light.", he said.

Turning to the fourth man, a Newfoundlander, he posed the same question.

"After hearing the three previous answers, it is obvious to me the fastest thing known is diarrhea," said the Newfie.

"What!" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh, I can explain," said the Newfie. "You see, the other day I was not feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I s*** my pants."

He got the job.

Of course the real answer to what's the fastest thing is milk.  It's pasteurised before you see it!.

BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.'
(The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

At the height of the gale, the harbour-master radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
( Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled -
'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.''
( Bournemouth Evening Echo) 

HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGROUND TUBE

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'

2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.'

3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Mile End and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.'

4) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'.'

5) 'We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that'.

6) 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.'

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided.'

8) 'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause ) 'Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home....'

9) 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.'

10) 'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.'

11) 'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.'

12) 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?'

13) 'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause..) 'Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...) 'This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your @rse sideways!'

14) 'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.'

Engineers and Managers

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend i would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering about 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 60 and 61 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I am still lost." "Frankly, you have not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "But how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "You don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

" And what do you do? "

Pontificate, just like you.

G

Not to split infinitives, even nicer!

Rather him than me.

Continues here ----- https://forums.naimaudio.com/to...ality-threshold-cont