Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
You'd think he'd have learned after the first one.
Sadly, there's a young man in our village in a wheelchair for just that reason.
If he's anything like the disabled people I know, he'll have a wicked sense of humour.
I love stories like that.
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime.
She said 'sorry about the wait'.
I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.
fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a
photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I phoned them up and said I was interested in buying one.
They asked "Was your wife born without a vagina?"
I replied "Wife?"
until the last question which I got wrong. The question was
where do women have the curliest hair?
It seems Fiji was the correct answer.
THE BAPTIST WHITE LIE CAKE
Have you ever told a white lie?
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa,
but forgot to do it until the last minute.
She remembered it the morning of the bake sale, and after rummaging through cabinets found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack for scout camp.
When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed,
"Oh, dear, there’s not time to bake another cake!"
So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.
She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing.
Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!
And, before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and some very specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it straight home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold!
Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.
Alice was horrified - she was beside herself! Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed!
All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her
and talking about her behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake, and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time.
She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust Old South, and to Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!
She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess
(who was a prominent church member) say,
"Thank you, I baked it myself."
Alice smiled and thought
to herself,
God is good.
Jane and Arlene
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.
Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
Annual Trip to England
Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip.
I'm John, he's Jim. Two draft Budweisers please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.
"Been on holiday yet, lads?"
"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?"
Jim agrees.
"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture."
"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Budweisers, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."
"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive"
pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat
chance', with a face like that!
when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus
and think to yourself. I'm going to have that.'
Q: What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and God? A: God doesn't think he's Alex Ferguson.
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---
A lady, about 8 months pregnant, got on a bus and sat down.
She then noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
What he had to say for himself.
The man replied,
'Well your Honour, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus,
I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time
And sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
... I just lost it.'
'CASE DISMISSED!!'
Job Hunting in South Africa.
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I love senseless violence.
In Birmingham, they were selling beef instead.
And in Liverpool, they were flogging a dead horse.
Nope, don't get that one...
My dwarf neighbour is really mad at me because I just can't stop taking the p*ss.
Hi Ho him an apology, I think.
Nope, don't get that one...
LOL.
Fourteen pints and she's not even tipsy!
I should probably clear out my basement.
"You idiot!" he shouted. "It's David Cameron who's been stung by a jellyfish."
I said "Jellyfish?"