Best Jokes (continues)

Kylie, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a bridge in London.

Suddenly Kylie tripped and fell ending up on her knees with her head rammed in between the bridge rails.

Quick as a flash Robbie whipped off her pants and started rogering her...

After Robbie had done his business with Kylie he turned to Elton and said "OK Elton, now it's your turn."

Suddenly Elton burst into tears.
"What's wrong Elton" said Robbie.

To which Elton replied through his tears "My head won't fit in the rails."

LOL!

A man goes to a chemists and asks for some Viagra.

The chemist says "Have you got a prescription?"

The man says "No".

The chemist says "I can't possibly give you Viagra without a prescription, it would be unethical!"

The man says "I'm sorry I haven't got a prescription but here's a picture of my wife".

The chemist says "My God - how many do you want?"

A German dwarf came to London and went to a prostitute. She thought he'll never manage this it will be easy money. Just before he started he put a big spring on each elbow and knee and he then shagged her for 4hrs non stop. She said breathlessly "how did you manage that?" He said "its my foursprung drawftechnique"

What's the difference between the icelandic volcano and cheryl cole? The volcano's still blowing ash!

Tony

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded,
"Pepper."

"Waiter, there's some ash in my soup!"

"Yes sir, it's a no-fly zone."

The joke as condensed haiku. Blossom falls. Perfect.

quote:

Originally posted by tonym:
Someone keeps spreading topsoil over my neighbour's allotment. It happened twice last week and again last night.

The plot thickens...

I keep laughing at
tonym's allotment joke
it's so bad it's good

I sent both to a friend who has, literally, laughed his head off.
One less Christmas card.

"I gave my wife an orgasm last night.
Ungrateful cow spat it out.... "


Tony

I'm going to make a coffin for an ancestor of the elephant. It's a mammoth undertaking.

Tony

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the instruction ' Finish off on her face ' didn't mean what I thought it did.

quote:

Originally posted by tonym:
... as a male masseuse ...

masseur?

Pendant?

Dongling?

Angle of the dongle?

quote:

Originally posted by Adam Meredith:

quote:

Originally posted by tonym:
... as a male masseuse ...

masseur?

Yesseur!

I've just come out of the 'chippy' with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sitting there said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your f*cking will power!'

An attractive young lady walks over to a man at a party and says "Hi,I'm Carmen".

The man replies "That's a lovely name,it sounds very exotic, is it a family name?"

"No" she replies. "I made it up for myself. It represents the two things I like most - cars and men".

"Oh,I see, very interesting", said the man.

"What's your name then" she asked. He replied

"B J Titsangolf".

I was at a party last night and the DJ played 'Sit Down' by James, so we all sat down. Then he played 'Jump around' by House of Pain, and we all jumped around. Then he played 'Come on Eileen'. And I got thrown out!

Tony

I dont get these Ethiopians and Kenyans . . . . They have no problem with running 26 mile marathons . . . But when it comes to walking 5 mile for clean water, whinge whinge WHINGE!!

Tony

I know how those poor bastards in Haiti feel. Last time I had a few Aftershocks I couldn't find my house either.

I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them.

Here's how it goes ' Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'