Best Jokes (continues)

"I gave my wife an orgasm last night.
Ungrateful cow spat it out.... "


Tony

I'm going to make a coffin for an ancestor of the elephant. It's a mammoth undertaking.

Tony

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the instruction ' Finish off on her face ' didn't mean what I thought it did.

quote:

Originally posted by tonym:
... as a male masseuse ...

masseur?

Pendant?

Dongling?

Angle of the dongle?

quote:

Originally posted by Adam Meredith:

quote:

Originally posted by tonym:
... as a male masseuse ...

masseur?

Yesseur!

I've just come out of the 'chippy' with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sitting there said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your f*cking will power!'

An attractive young lady walks over to a man at a party and says "Hi,I'm Carmen".

The man replies "That's a lovely name,it sounds very exotic, is it a family name?"

"No" she replies. "I made it up for myself. It represents the two things I like most - cars and men".

"Oh,I see, very interesting", said the man.

"What's your name then" she asked. He replied

"B J Titsangolf".

I was at a party last night and the DJ played 'Sit Down' by James, so we all sat down. Then he played 'Jump around' by House of Pain, and we all jumped around. Then he played 'Come on Eileen'. And I got thrown out!

Tony

I dont get these Ethiopians and Kenyans . . . . They have no problem with running 26 mile marathons . . . But when it comes to walking 5 mile for clean water, whinge whinge WHINGE!!

Tony

I know how those poor bastards in Haiti feel. Last time I had a few Aftershocks I couldn't find my house either.

I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them.

Here's how it goes ' Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

Oops, I was using chlorophyll. Damn.

Tony

Did you now that more chloroform is used in the conception of babies than their delivery?

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'

Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'

They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'

'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

Fella buys a parrot, gets it home and realises the parrot is incredibly loud and foul mouthed. To try and shut it up he puts it in the cupboard but he can still hear the parrot swearing very loud. He decides to put it in the shed to try and shut the thing up but again he can still hear it. So he puts it in the fridge, closes the door and immediately the bird stops. The fella gives it 5 minutes then opens the fridge. The bird says ''I'm really sorry, I'll be quiet now I promise, by the way, what did the chicken do?''

"Jesus saves!"

Not on my wages he don't!

ATB from George

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
 
 After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
 
 Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

I was around the girlfriends parents house for Sunday dinner, and I was heavy on the Guinness the night before...

I could feel a thick one baking inside me, so regrettably I decide to forgo waiting till I got home to let it sail in order to have a comfortable evening and try to create an air of respectability around myself.

Into the plush bathroom and rapidly onto the sparking toilet seat; the Guiness shite pushed out with industrial. A moderate period of patient sit wiping involving two flushes followed. Considering the Kings judgement finished I rose from the throne and gave the perfunctory glance into the bowl, only to have my blasé look captured and locked in a horrified stare. There it was, a chocolatey beast in it's mother of pearl depths, solidified and bloated, stubbornly refusing to venture around the s-bend. I desperately attempted to slay this monster with several gallent flushes, each time praying to the great nothing in the sky for wish malevolently granted. But nothing. Not one shitty inch.

I panicked. This is it I thought. My Dumb and Dumber moment. No escaping this. No phantom shitter to blame. I'll have to bear the ignominy of leaving a massive poo in that toilet. It'll be an irreversible fact of history from now on, to taint and sow the seeds of distrust in the delicate relationship between me, my girlfriend and her family. Various depraved solutions came to mind, but I couldn't face down my own disgusting ideas. Sweaty and anxious, I could feel to punishing wall of time pressing against me, and turned and faced the door.

A miracle. Hitherto unnoticed, a floral dress was suspended upon a wire coat-hanger, which hung from a gold plated hook on the back of the White door that was protecting me from my shame. Ingenuity prevailed. Grasping the wire coat-hanger and bending it into a Crude tool, I unleashed a flurry of piercing stabs on my opponent. With a single flush, it's scattered remains appeared to dissolve into nowhere. Victory.

Triumphantly descending the stairs and dreaming of a future for me and the pert Anna, the future father in law in this fantasy met me at the bottom of the steps with holding two cans, and a sheepish look on his face.

"Fancy a beer son? Sorry about that floater upstairs, was going to deal with it earlier but I didn't want to be rude and be late for the dinner table, you know how it is?"

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Interrupting cow."
"Interrupting cow wh-"
"Mooo!!"

Mahatma Gandhi as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I've just bought an indoor trampoline. The wife hit the roof.