Best Jokes (continues)

Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007

http://forums.naim-audio.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/58019385/m/4391984906

Posted on: 24 April 2014 by Tony Lockhart

My mate Dave is a dictionary salesman and he always tells it the way it is.

He calls a spade a sturdy digging tool having a thick handle and a heavy, flat blade that can be pressed into the ground with the foot.

Posted on: 24 April 2014 by Tony Lockhart

I went to India recently and the street begging was really awful.

I was there for a week and only got one Rupee.

Posted on: 24 April 2014 by BigH47

mista h , please take some picture posting lessons, pretty please.

Posted on: 25 April 2014 by mista h

Originally Posted by BigH47:

mista h , please take some picture posting lessons, pretty please.

Good morning Big H

Sorry about yet another Balls up. As you may have read in some of my earlier posts,i hold my hand up me and computers dont get on,infact our cat is probably better with them than me.

SHMBO used to own quite a large Computer Consultancy before she retired,designing software for Banks and large corporate firms. BUT in her own words she refuses point blank to help me with posting on this stupid M/B.

Willing to learn if anyone can give me lessons.

Mista H

Posted on: 25 April 2014 by mista h

You gotta read this !!

Now, this is a good story!!

Not even "Midsomer Murders" would attempt to capture this mess. This is an Unbelievable twist of fate!!!!

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS President, Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:

On March 23, 1994... The medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus ,and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head.
Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.
He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.
Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun! The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife, and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject 'A', but kills subject 'B' instead, one is guilty of the murder of subject 'B.'
When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adament, and both said they thought the shotgun was not loaded,
the old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun.. He had no intention to murder her.
Therefore, the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident, assuming the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident.. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support, and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger.. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist...
Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus.
He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself.
So the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

A true story from Associated Press.

--

Jackie Traupmann

Posted on: 25 April 2014 by mista h

Hello again Big H

The other thing i cannot understand is that some of my previous posts the picture has come out perfect !! I am confused to say the least.

Mista H

Posted on: 25 April 2014 by BigH47

Mista H my computer knowledge is hardly anything to write home about. I host my pictures on Photobucket, so I go to the bother of copying a picture from web, camera or what ever. Once in PB each picture has a series of links click the one marked "direct link". I can then click the tree icon in the NAIMum "Post Reply" box, click Image URL, click the preview button and then insert and the image should now be in the post you are writing.

You can use the URL info from Amazon for say album covers.

Because you can see an image in your posts is no guarantee that others can see it. If you can translate my info above then something like this should appear:-

I hope this may help.

Posted on: 25 April 2014 by Steve J

Are you insinuating mista h is a bit of a car crash Howard?

Posted on: 25 April 2014 by mista h

Thanks for your reply Big H. If i get 5 mins next week i will have a play around with PB.

Doc Steve.....being a slow driver not had a crash in last 40ish years.

Mista h

Posted on: 25 April 2014 by GraemeH

Originally Posted by Adam Meredith:

My arse - http://www.snopes.com/horrors/freakish/opus.asp

Where? I just got a load of text.

Posted on: 25 April 2014 by Tony Lockhart

Originally Posted by Steve J:

Are you insinuating mista h is a bit of a car crash Howard?

Posted on: 25 April 2014 by Tony Lockhart

I keep getting those annoying penis enlargement ads in my inbox.

From my wife.

Posted on: 25 April 2014 by George J

A dyslectic tank driver was prone to random cursing in the course of duty. When asked of a fellow crew member by an officer what was wrong, the colleague replied that the driver was suffering "turret's syndrome."

ATB from George

Posted on: 25 April 2014 by BigH47

Nothing should be inferred from my picture choice it just happened to be the first on my PBucket.

Posted on: 25 April 2014 by Steve J

Originally Posted by mista h:

Thanks for your reply Big H. If i get 5 mins next week i will have a play around with PB.

Doc Steve.....being a slow driver not had a crash in last 40ish years.

Mista h

I was referring to your prowess at posting pictures.

As as to your being a 'slow' driver, how did you get on fighting that speeding ticket, 60 mph in a 30 mph zone if I remember rightly, last year?

Posted on: 25 April 2014 by MDS

Originally Posted by Steve J:

Originally Posted by mista h:

Thanks for your reply Big H. If i get 5 mins next week i will have a play around with PB.

Doc Steve.....being a slow driver not had a crash in last 40ish years.

Mista h

I was referring to your prowess at posting pictures.

As as to your being a 'slow' driver, how did you get on fighting that speeding ticket, 60 mph in a 30 mph zone if I remember rightly, last year?

If I remember rightly Richard D made all that disappear

Posted on: 25 April 2014 by Sniper

Naim forum members inspecting the new Muso

Posted on: 25 April 2014 by Cbr600

Originally Posted by Sniper:

Naim forum members inspecting the new Muso

Typical, women just don't understand the world of HiFi !

Posted on: 26 April 2014 by mista h

Originally Posted by Steve J:

Originally Posted by mista h:

Thanks for your reply Big H. If i get 5 mins next week i will have a play around with PB.

Doc Steve.....being a slow driver not had a crash in last 40ish years.

Mista h

I was referring to your prowess at posting pictures.

As as to your being a 'slow' driver, how did you get on fighting that speeding ticket, 60 mph in a 30 mph zone if I remember rightly, last year?

Not going to answer that one Steve as i wish to stay in Richards good books,he`s already worn his `post not approved ` button out on me.

Mista H

Posted on: 26 April 2014 by tonym

Posted on: 26 April 2014 by Tony Lockhart

I never went to my mother in law's funeral, but at least my wife was there.

They died in the same car crash.

Posted on: 26 April 2014 by JamieWednesday

I actually felt quite emotional...

https://www.facebook.com/photo...?v=10202034590847461

Posted on: 26 April 2014 by tonym

Posted on: 26 April 2014 by George J

Originally Posted by JamieWednesday:

I actually felt quite emotional...

https://www.facebook.com/photo...?v=10202034590847461

Brilliant! And things have really improved haven't they?

Thanks for sharing this!

ATB from George

Posted on: 27 April 2014 by Tony Lockhart

Just tuned into Sky News to watch the canonisation of a load of bat-ears-crazy religious types at the Vatican. Disappointingly, a canonisation is far less violent than it sounds.