Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
But it's not hard.
But it's not hard.
Ha! Very funny. Not that I have any experience of this particular problem, you understand.
Brian.
They wouldn't even give me odds on Max Clifford hanging himself before his sentencing on Friday.
How times have changed:
Tonight Sky Sci-Fi/Horror The Exorcist (1973) A priest stops the devil from entering a young girl.
In 2014, the devil can't stop priests from entering young boys.
They used to give me my pocket money in travellers cheques
They wouldn't even give me odds on Max Clifford hanging himself before his sentencing on Friday.
The odds will be a lot shorter than the rope!

That's for a new thread.

Well, except one.
Well, except one.
He loved her to death!!!
Read till the end
Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing.
An old un but maybe new to some of you !!
Read till the end
Spot anything not right !!
Spot anything not right !!
The mouse on the back left cake. Took me 45 minutes. For the first 44 minutes, I thought it was one bigger than the other!!!
A shingle beach.
class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr. Salmond if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered,
ower him and kills him, that wid be a tragedy."
"Incorrect", said Alex, in his best trying-not-to-sound-too-
patronising-Scottish-accent,
A little girl raised her hand,
I'm afraid not', explained Alex, "that's what we would refer to as a great loss’’.
The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
Finally, at the back of the room, a wee lad raised his hand and, in a quiet voice, said:
"If a plane carryin' you and your deputy ' wuz struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown tae
smithereens, that wid be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Alex, "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
and it probably widnae be an accident either!"
On todays internet news,worth a read about the UKs greatest Airline.
James Lockley, from Hertfordshire, and his new bride missed their flight from London Stansted to Slovakia, where his wife's family had gathered for a wedding reception.
He then took to Facebook for a rant that has now gone viral.
The couple arrived in a rush at the airport an hour before the flight after a nightmare journey stuck in traffic. They were assured they had plenty of time and were taken to a check-in attendant.
But it all started going wrong from there.
"We approached the attendant as instructed and explained. Unfortunately, in the main part, due to him being a child, and forgetting to bring his mother to work, he heard only half of the words before his brain fell apart like a wet cake.
"He led us to the line for closing gates, advised we should wait and all would be ok. We stood patiently in the line for 20 minutes. We got to the front of the line and the lady, who we shall from this point refer to a Vacant, explained that she had literally just that second closed the flight and we had missed it.
"We complained that we had done as instructed and she said it was the child's fault because he should have advised her that we were trying to board a closing flight and that because he hadn't told her it was therefore our fault we had missed the plane.
"Confused by this process of blame apportioning, another check in clerk, who we shall refer to as Not That Bright, tried to blame us for not responding to the last call for the flight as we should have made ourselves known. I argued that the last call had not been made. Not That Bright then questioned Vacant on whether she had done a final call.
"Vacant did what she does best and looked, well,...... After establishing that the child had not informed Vacant we were here, and Vacant had forgotten to do a last call and that all of this was irreversible, and my fault, Not That Bright and Vacant conferred to agree this was not a problem they wished to deal with and told us to get in a very, very long line of very, very unhappy people at the quite wrongly titled 'Customer Services Counter' as it was in fact a Customer Shouting Desk. We complained and requested the attention of a manager."
A manager, (referred to as "Middle Gimp"), then came to see them and proceeded to answer everything with "Check in opens three hours before the flight".
Mr Lockley then made jokes about this repeated phrase on Facebook, writing: "Do you acknowledge we have just cause for complaint as we tried to do the right thing and the only reason we are not on the plane is because of communication failures with Ryan Air Staff?'
'"Check in opens three hours before the flight."
"What colour are my trousers?"
"Check in opens three hours before the flight."
"Do you think economic sanctions on Russia will diffuse the escalating situation in Ukraine?"
'"Check in opens three hours before the flight."
"Were Man Utd right to fire David Moyes?"
"Check in opens three hours before the flight."
He continued with his hilarious Facebook rant, and said that in the end they had to pay £384 to book a hotel and fly out the next day.
Mr Lockley added that Ryanair "cost us money and made us miss our own wedding reception through a display of incompetence I have not seen since Greece was allowed to have money and a cheque book."
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
'Wop Gear' has now been shelved indefinitely.
A new Star Wars film is about to go into production using the original stars from 30+ years ago....
"Episode VII - A New Hip"
I suspect Sam is a woman but the joke falls flat when your picture links don't work.