Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Posted on: 01 May 2014 by BigH47
Can you not fish for violins or cellos?
Epic pic fail again mista h. 
Posted on: 02 May 2014 by mista h
Originally Posted by Adam Meredith:
Originally Posted by sjbabbey:
.....t the joke falls flat when your picture links don't work.
... and very often when they do.
Thats about as funny as getting toothache.
Sorry to the rest of you,busy life at the moment,when i get time i will try and sort things.
Mista h
Posted on: 02 May 2014 by mista h
Hope someone enjoys this.....now doubt Lord Meredith wont !!
An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and haircut, but he tells the barber he probably can't get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened If he had swallowed that little ball.The barber replied,"Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.."
Posted on: 02 May 2014 by Tony Lockhart
5 monkeys have been stolen from Blackpool zoo.
The police are said to be using a "slowly slowly" approach.
The police are said to be using a "slowly slowly" approach.
Posted on: 02 May 2014 by tonym
Shouldn't it be "softly, softly"?
Posted on: 02 May 2014 by mista h
Posted on: 02 May 2014 by Tony Lockhart
Posted on: 02 May 2014 by Reginald Halliday
My godson used to sell analog joysticks in a games shop. On the stock list they were called 'Anal joy'...
Posted on: 02 May 2014 by mista h
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
5 monkeys have been stolen from Blackpool zoo.
The police are said to be using a "slowly slowly" approach.
The police are said to be using a "slowly slowly" approach.
Mista Lockhart
I thought you would be into Max Clifford jokes by now.
Mista h
Posted on: 02 May 2014 by Tony Lockhart
If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.
Posted on: 02 May 2014 by Tony Lockhart
What's the difference between Kate Moss and Max Clifford?
Kate Moss is on the front cover of Vogue. Max Clifford is doing Time.
Kate Moss is on the front cover of Vogue. Max Clifford is doing Time.
Posted on: 03 May 2014 by Tony Lockhart
Originally Posted by Reginald Halliday:
My godson used to sell analog joysticks in a games shop. On the stock list they were called 'Anal joy'...
Reminds me of this unfortunate screen layout
Posted on: 03 May 2014 by Tony Lockhart
From our local news letter. The days must whizz by in Ely.
Posted on: 03 May 2014 by tonym
Thank you for calling the Sea World hotline.
Your call may be recorded for training porpoises.
Posted on: 04 May 2014 by Reginald Halliday
Apparently Kate Bush wrote The Man With the Child in his Eyes shortly after appearing on Jim'll Fix It.
Posted on: 05 May 2014 by Tony Lockhart
Fitting instructions:
1) Lay on the floor
2) Shake uncontrollably.
1) Lay on the floor
2) Shake uncontrollably.
Posted on: 05 May 2014 by Tony Lockhart
My doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and constipation.
I'm worried shitless.
I'm worried shitless.
Posted on: 05 May 2014 by jjbomber
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
Daily Mail online: "Teacher murdered in class was dearly loved by all her pupils."
Well, except one.
Well, except one.
From the BBC website yesterday:
''Woman hit by police car critical''
Critical? I'd have been bloody furious.
Posted on: 05 May 2014 by Tony Lockhart
Hifi joke
I've just had dinner with a lion that had a mullet hairstyle.
The starter and dessert were absolutely delicious, but the mane was a bit dodgy.
I've just had dinner with a lion that had a mullet hairstyle.
The starter and dessert were absolutely delicious, but the mane was a bit dodgy.
Posted on: 05 May 2014 by mista h
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Posted on: 05 May 2014 by mista h
How do you tell the difference between an English Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer? QUESTION: You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night. Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you. You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do ? ANSWER: British Police Officer: Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights. 1) Does the man look poor or oppressed ? 2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law ? 3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger ? 4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack ? 5) Am I dressed provocatively ? 6) Could I run away ? 7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand ? 8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings ? 9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society ? 10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me ? 11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me ? 12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself ? 13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home ? Canadian Police Officer: BANG ! American Police Officer: BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! 'Click'...Reload... BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! Glasgow Police Officer: "Haw, Jimmie.. Drop the knife, noo, unless you want it stuck up yer arse!" <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< |
Posted on: 05 May 2014 by mista h
> Two Irish nuns have just
> arrived in USA by boat,
> and one says to the other,
> "I hear that the people in
> this country actually eat
> dogs."
>
> "Odd," her companion
> replies, "but if we shall
> live in America , we
> might as well do as the
> Americans do."
>
> As they sit, they hear a
> push cart vendor yelling,
> "Hot Dogs, get your dogs
> here," and they both
> walk towards the hot dog
> cart.
>
> "Two dogs, please!," says
> one. The vendor is very
> pleased to oblige, wraps
> both hot dogs in foil and
> hands them over. Excited,
> the nuns hurry to a bench
> and begin to unwrap their
> 'dogs.'
>
> The mother superior is
> first to open hers.
> She begins to blush,
> and then, after staring
> at it for a moment, leans
> to the other nun and in
> a soft brogue whispers:
>
> "What part did you get?"
>
>
>
Posted on: 05 May 2014 by mista h
This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is.
They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...
'I think the man would have said - 'Well, F#ck me!! A talking pig!'
The teacher had to leave the room.
Posted on: 05 May 2014 by mista h
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Posted on: 05 May 2014 by Tony Lockhart
Boko Haram have threatened to sell more than 200 abducted schoolgirls.
Upon hearing the news, the girls have turned a whiter shade of pale.
Upon hearing the news, the girls have turned a whiter shade of pale.