Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
She says that she had first dibs.
A chemist walks into a bar and says to the barman "I'd like a pint of Adenosine Triphosphate please."
The barman replies "Certainly sir, that'll be 80p"
Probably finished up in the cells.
A gentleman was lying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin. A gorgeous Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually working her way down his body. As her soft, smooth hands approached the towel he began to get aroused. And when the towel began to rise steadily, she arched her eyebrows.
"Do you want a w@nk?" she whispered.
"You bet!!" he answered excitedly.
"OK then" she said "I'll come back in ten minutes."
A chemist walks into a bar and says to the barman "I'd like a pint of Adenosine Triphosphate please."
The barman replies "Certainly sir, that'll be 80p
Sir Hans Krebs also walked in and asked for a pint of Adenosine Triphosphate. The barman said "On yer bike".
A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if
they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage
sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into
heaven?
''NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept
everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?
'Again, the answer was 'NO!
''If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband,
would that get me into heaven?'
Again, they all answered 'NO!
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how
can I get into heaven?'
A little boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD.'
Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it
********************************
A Freudian, a Jungian and a Lacanian walk into a bar.
The Freudian orders a cigar.
The Jungian orders an Etruscan mask to conceal his face.
"You cretins!" says the Lacanian. He then orders a beer, which,
however, he does not desire.
I asked a friend of mine who studied philosophy to try and explain the above if anyone's interested.
Freud once said 'sometimes a cigar is just a cigar', meaning that even if
you're a shrink, you don't always have to interpret a cigar as a phallic
symbol.
Jung was very interested in mythology, so maybe that's what Etruscan masks
is about.
For Lacan, desire is always unrequited: we never know what we want and we
never get it anyway - something that most people find rather bleak, but I
find funny because I agree! Don't know about cretins (maybe - because
everyone knows that you're supposed to order/want beer, not cigars or
masks, in a bar. For Lacan, desire is institutionalised, in other words,
you only want what you are supposed to want.*) Don't know why this is a
joke.
Hope that helps (not!)
Was his response.
G
That means Roger Bannister has eleven minutes left.
Little Johnny awoke one night to hear strange noises coming from his parents bedroom. When he opened the door his dad was on his mom naked . He said"Dad what are you and mom doing? His dad told him "I'm parking my car in yours mom's garage. Go back to bed."
Well the next day, the girl next door came over to play with johnny. He said " I have a new game for us to play." what's it called the girl replied . It's called parking the car . Wanna try it he said. Sure said the little girl.
Well Johnny tells her how to play and they get off to a good start. A few minutes later all you can here is little Johnny screaming . His mom rushes into the room and says" what the hell is going on here? . The girl tries her best to explain. She said "You see we were playing park the car and johnny got his car all most all the way in. The back tires wouldnt fit so I cut them off
Pastor's false teeth
A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday
after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second
Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks
for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they
asked him what happened.
The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't
talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much
to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his
wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...
> No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
>
> An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The
> couple had
>
> married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old
>
> neighbourhood after they retired.
>
>
> Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked,
> so
>
> they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had
> carved "I
>
> love you, Sally."
>
> On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured van,
>
> practically landing at their feet.
>
> Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it
> home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand pounds!
>
> Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
>
> Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and
> hid it in their attic.
>
> The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood
> looking for the money, and knocked on their door.
>
> "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"
>
> Sally said, "No".
>
> Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.
>
> Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile"
>
> The officers turned to Andy and began to question him.
> One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
>
> Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday......
>
> The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "On yer bike, we're outta here!"
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No.2> Frank and Tony are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
>
> smoking and drinking beer when suddenly
>
> Tony says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she's
>
> not spoken to me in over 2 months."
>
> Frank puffs at his fag, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says,
>"Better think it over mate.............women like that are hard to find."
>
>
A Freudian, a Jungian and a Lacanian walk into a bar.
The Freudian orders a cigar.
The Jungian orders an Etruscan mask to conceal his face.
"You cretins!" says the Lacanian. He then orders a beer, which,
however, he does not desire.
I asked a friend of mine who studied philosophy to try and explain the above if anyone's interested.
Freud once said 'sometimes a cigar is just a cigar', meaning that even if
you're a shrink, you don't always have to interpret a cigar as a phallic
symbol.
Jung was very interested in mythology, so maybe that's what Etruscan masks
is about.
For Lacan, desire is always unrequited: we never know what we want and we
never get it anyway - something that most people find rather bleak, but I
find funny because I agree! Don't know about cretins (maybe - because
everyone knows that you're supposed to order/want beer, not cigars or
masks, in a bar. For Lacan, desire is institutionalised, in other words,
you only want what you are supposed to want.*) Don't know why this is a
joke.
Hope that helps (not!)
Was his response.
G
"The impossibility of desire" is the same as the Platonic notion of love, where the subject only loves that which he lacks, (a person, artistic skill, money, fame, etc). Once the subject has attained their desire they naturally do not experience a lack, and so the desire vanishes, only to attach itself to another object, and so on and on. Kafka gives an excellent example of this interminable process in "The Castle" through "K" who throughout the story endeavours to reach The Castle but never quite manages to.
For Lacan the letter or words, symbols mark an absence rather than a presence. For Lacan the site of language is always a site of desire - which is desire external of the subject and the desire of/for the "other".
Not only was that not funny originally, the explanation was neither funny nor particularly informative, and Lacan ls/was wrong anyway...otherwise not bad.
That means Roger Bannister has eleven minutes left.
10 minutes 59.6 seconds surely?
"Gay?" I said, "Look at the state of my leg!"
Not sure if this has been posted before but either I'm cracking up or maybe it's just the Remy Martin and Neurofen. Damn cold!
Not sure if this has been posted before but either I'm cracking up or maybe it's just the Remy Martin and Neurofen. Damn cold!
Thought Captain Kirk & co were watching the Euro Vision song contest for moment. Would explain the reaction.
Not sure if this has been posted before but either I'm cracking up or maybe it's just the Remy Martin and Neurofen. Damn cold!
I loved it. Brilliant.
It means a lot.
The bloke thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever."
"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."
"OK, then, I want to die after a Labour government balances the budget and eliminates the debt.
" You crafty little bastard !!! " said the genie.