Best Jokes (continues)

Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007

http://forums.naim-audio.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/58019385/m/4391984906

Posted on: 21 May 2014 by mista h

Epic fail

Posted on: 21 May 2014 by mista h

Posted on: 21 May 2014 by jjbomber

I've just been on the ebay website. I've put a bid in to buy 6 million passwords.

Posted on: 21 May 2014 by Tony Lockhart

I don't have a racist bone in my body. However, one of my kidneys is anti-semitic.

Posted on: 21 May 2014 by mista h

In todays news,only the froggs could do this

Trains 'Too Wide' For Stations, French Company SNCF Realises... After Spending 15B Euros On Them

A French company paid around 15 billion Euros for a fleet of new trains that turned out to be too wide for the stations they were meant to serve.

The mistake was revealed by French newspaper Le Canard Enchaine.

The paper said the mistake happened when RFF, which operates the country's rail network, gave dimensions to train operator SNCF.

But these measurements were taken from modern stations built since the 1980s, and failed to include older stations where the space between platforms is narrower.

CNN reported SNCF spent 15 billion Euros on the order before realising the mistake.

Posted on: 21 May 2014 by Tony Lockhart

Posted on: 22 May 2014 by Kevin-W

Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:

Awesome.

Posted on: 22 May 2014 by Sniper

Originally Posted by Kevin-W:

Awesome.

Posted on: 22 May 2014 by mista h

“A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit.”

Posted on: 22 May 2014 by mista h

There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.

Posted on: 22 May 2014 by mista h

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"

Posted on: 22 May 2014 by Tony Lockhart

You should always vote with your conscience.

Unless you don't have one, then you should probably vote Tory.

Posted on: 22 May 2014 by Tony Lockhart

I've just stuck a tenner on Prince Charles dying of radiation poisoning within the next month.

Posted on: 22 May 2014 by mista h

Subject: world wide survey.
>
> Last month, a world-wide
telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
> The only question asked
was:-
>
> "Would you please give your honest opinion about
possible solutions
> to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
>

> *The survey was a complete failure because:*
>
> In Eastern
Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
>
>> In Western Europe
they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
>
> In Africa they didn't
know what "food" meant.
>
> In China they didn't know what
"opinion" meant.
>
> In the Middle East they didn't know what
"solution" meant.
>
> In South America they didn't know what
"please" meant.
>
> In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of
the world" meant.
>
> And in Australia, New Zealand and Britain
everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

Posted on: 22 May 2014 by Tony Lockhart

A lorry carrying a load of Vanish crashed and spilt its load in Surrey today.

The people of Staines are crapping themselves.

Posted on: 22 May 2014 by mista h

Thank god we dont live in France.

Posted on: 23 May 2014 by Phil Cork

Originally Posted by Sniper:

Originally Posted by mista h:

i THINK THIS GUY WILL NEED A LOO PDQ,HE HAS ABOUT 1 MEGASECOND TO GET HIS FRONT WHEEL STRAIT.

A megasecond (symbol: Ms) is 1 million seconds, or roughly 11.6 days.

Furthermore, A strait is a naturally formed, narrow, typically navigable waterway that connects two larger bodies of water.

Posted on: 23 May 2014 by joerand

Originally Posted by Phil Cork:

Originally Posted by Sniper:

Originally Posted by mista h:

i THINK THIS GUY WILL NEED A LOO PDQ,HE HAS ABOUT 1 MEGASECOND TO GET HIS FRONT WHEEL STRAIT.

A megasecond (symbol: Ms) is 1 million seconds, or roughly 11.6 days.

Furthermore, A strait is a naturally formed, narrow, typically navigable waterway that connects two larger bodies of water.

Additionally, the only letter of the sentence that should be capitalized is the one that is not. All capitalized letters should be lower case.

Posted on: 23 May 2014 by rodwsmith

Originally Posted by joerand:

Originally Posted by Phil Cork:

Originally Posted by Sniper:

Originally Posted by mista h:

i THINK THIS GUY WILL NEED A LOO PDQ,HE HAS ABOUT 1 MEGASECOND TO GET HIS FRONT WHEEL STRAIT.

A megasecond (symbol: Ms) is 1 million seconds, or roughly 11.6 days.

Furthermore, A strait is a naturally formed, narrow, typically navigable waterway that connects two larger bodies of water.

Additionally, the only letter of the sentence that should be capitalized is the one that is not. All capitalized letters should be lower case.

Yes, well. Apart from that?

Oh, yes. It's not exactly a "joke" is it?

Posted on: 23 May 2014 by Tony Lockhart

I recently bought the world's largest set of Russian dolls.

It's one in a million.

Posted on: 23 May 2014 by Phil Cork

Originally Posted by rodwsmith:

Originally Posted by joerand:

Originally Posted by Phil Cork:

Originally Posted by Sniper:

Originally Posted by mista h:

i THINK THIS GUY WILL NEED A LOO PDQ,HE HAS ABOUT 1 MEGASECOND TO GET HIS FRONT WHEEL STRAIT.

A megasecond (symbol: Ms) is 1 million seconds, or roughly 11.6 days.

Furthermore, A strait is a naturally formed, narrow, typically navigable waterway that connects two larger bodies of water.

Additionally, the only letter of the sentence that should be capitalized is the one that is not. All capitalized letters should be lower case.

Yes, well. Apart from that?

Oh, yes. It's not exactly a "joke" is it?

They rarely are...

Posted on: 23 May 2014 by jjbomber

Originally Posted by Phil Cork:

Originally Posted by Sniper:

Originally Posted by mista h:

i THINK THIS GUY WILL NEED A LOO PDQ,HE HAS ABOUT 1 MEGASECOND TO GET HIS FRONT WHEEL STRAIT.

A megasecond (symbol: Ms) is 1 million seconds, or roughly 11.6 days.

Furthermore, A strait is a naturally formed, narrow, typically navigable waterway that connects two larger bodies of water.

''i THINK' obviously doesn't apply.

Posted on: 23 May 2014 by Tony Lockhart

Also, it looks like the 'mountain' at Cadwell to me, in which case the rider is perfectly safe for quite a while yet.