Best Jokes (continues)

Oops, I was using chlorophyll. Damn.

Tony

Did you now that more chloroform is used in the conception of babies than their delivery?

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'

Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'

They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'

'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

Fella buys a parrot, gets it home and realises the parrot is incredibly loud and foul mouthed. To try and shut it up he puts it in the cupboard but he can still hear the parrot swearing very loud. He decides to put it in the shed to try and shut the thing up but again he can still hear it. So he puts it in the fridge, closes the door and immediately the bird stops. The fella gives it 5 minutes then opens the fridge. The bird says ''I'm really sorry, I'll be quiet now I promise, by the way, what did the chicken do?''

"Jesus saves!"

Not on my wages he don't!

ATB from George

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
 
 After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
 
 Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

I was around the girlfriends parents house for Sunday dinner, and I was heavy on the Guinness the night before...

I could feel a thick one baking inside me, so regrettably I decide to forgo waiting till I got home to let it sail in order to have a comfortable evening and try to create an air of respectability around myself.

Into the plush bathroom and rapidly onto the sparking toilet seat; the Guiness shite pushed out with industrial. A moderate period of patient sit wiping involving two flushes followed. Considering the Kings judgement finished I rose from the throne and gave the perfunctory glance into the bowl, only to have my blasé look captured and locked in a horrified stare. There it was, a chocolatey beast in it's mother of pearl depths, solidified and bloated, stubbornly refusing to venture around the s-bend. I desperately attempted to slay this monster with several gallent flushes, each time praying to the great nothing in the sky for wish malevolently granted. But nothing. Not one shitty inch.

I panicked. This is it I thought. My Dumb and Dumber moment. No escaping this. No phantom shitter to blame. I'll have to bear the ignominy of leaving a massive poo in that toilet. It'll be an irreversible fact of history from now on, to taint and sow the seeds of distrust in the delicate relationship between me, my girlfriend and her family. Various depraved solutions came to mind, but I couldn't face down my own disgusting ideas. Sweaty and anxious, I could feel to punishing wall of time pressing against me, and turned and faced the door.

A miracle. Hitherto unnoticed, a floral dress was suspended upon a wire coat-hanger, which hung from a gold plated hook on the back of the White door that was protecting me from my shame. Ingenuity prevailed. Grasping the wire coat-hanger and bending it into a Crude tool, I unleashed a flurry of piercing stabs on my opponent. With a single flush, it's scattered remains appeared to dissolve into nowhere. Victory.

Triumphantly descending the stairs and dreaming of a future for me and the pert Anna, the future father in law in this fantasy met me at the bottom of the steps with holding two cans, and a sheepish look on his face.

"Fancy a beer son? Sorry about that floater upstairs, was going to deal with it earlier but I didn't want to be rude and be late for the dinner table, you know how it is?"

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Interrupting cow."
"Interrupting cow wh-"
"Mooo!!"

Mahatma Gandhi as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I've just bought an indoor trampoline. The wife hit the roof.

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishmen are arguing who is the best lover.
It is obviously me says the Frenchman. I place strawberries and cream all over my wifes body and lick every last bit off slowly then I make love to her for an hour and a half non stop. When I have finished she rises 10 cm off the bed in ecstacy.
Good, but not good enough says the Italian. I make love to my wife for three hours, starting slowly and increasing in speed until she can take no more. Her body convulses and she rises 20 cm off the bed in sheer ecstacy.
Phuh, says the Englishman. After I've made love to my wife I wipe my cock on the curtains - she hits the f***ing roof!

Regards,
Steve

A man and a beautiful woman dining in a chic restaurant.

The waiter notices the man slowly glides himself under the table while the woman acts as if nothing happened.

The waiter, intrigued and wanting to avoid a scandal, approaches and ask the woman,

I'm sorry, but your husband just went under the table. Is everything alright?

No, my husband is not under the table, he just entered the restaurant!

FIRST, do the simple maths below.
THEN, scroll down to find your hero.

It is truly remarkable just how accurate this is!
1) Pick your favorite number between 1 and 8
2) Multiply your choice by 3
3) Add 3
4) Multiply again by 3
5) You'll get a 2 digit number.....maybe 42, for example
6) Add the digits together. Example 4 and 2 = 6

Now Scroll down.
With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:
1. Albert Einstein
2. Oprah Winfrey
3. Mother Theresa
4. The Pope
5. Bill Gates
6. Gandhi
7. Kylie Minogue
8. Princess Diana
9 Mick Parry
10.Winston Churchill
11.Barack Obama
12.Dalai Lama

i got mick parry,that cant be right.

All roads lead to Rome.

A husband says to his wife, "what would you do if I won Lotto?"

She says,
"I'd take half, then leave you."

"Excellent," he replies,
"I won £10, here's £5 - now F*ck off!"

An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

Or Swindon?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.


We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.


He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks
in the keyhole and see's his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'

Who's Mick Parry?

steve

quote:

Originally posted by Paper Plane:
Who's Mick Parry?

steve

I've no idea who Mick Parry is, either, but since the answer is always 9* (i.e. Mick Parry) someone must think this is a good joke ...

* use algebra

quote:

Originally posted by Musicmad:
I've no idea who Mick Parry is, either, but since the answer is always 9* (i.e. Mick Parry) someone must think this is a good joke ...

* use algebra

* use Find

quote:

Originally posted by TomK:

quote:

Originally posted by Musicmad:
I've no idea who Mick Parry is, either, but since the answer is always 9* (i.e. Mick Parry) someone must think this is a good joke ...

* use algebra

* use Find

lol +

I did (use Find ... i.e. tried a Google search) but since no obvious "answer" stuck out it still meant nothing to me.

The last time I saw this (sourced from a friend) the answer was either Gordon Brown or Tony Blair ... I can't remember which now.

But thank you for the advice.