Best Jokes (continues)

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishmen are arguing who is the best lover.
It is obviously me says the Frenchman. I place strawberries and cream all over my wifes body and lick every last bit off slowly then I make love to her for an hour and a half non stop. When I have finished she rises 10 cm off the bed in ecstacy.
Good, but not good enough says the Italian. I make love to my wife for three hours, starting slowly and increasing in speed until she can take no more. Her body convulses and she rises 20 cm off the bed in sheer ecstacy.
Phuh, says the Englishman. After I've made love to my wife I wipe my cock on the curtains - she hits the f***ing roof!

Regards,
Steve

A man and a beautiful woman dining in a chic restaurant.

The waiter notices the man slowly glides himself under the table while the woman acts as if nothing happened.

The waiter, intrigued and wanting to avoid a scandal, approaches and ask the woman,

I'm sorry, but your husband just went under the table. Is everything alright?

No, my husband is not under the table, he just entered the restaurant!

FIRST, do the simple maths below.
THEN, scroll down to find your hero.

It is truly remarkable just how accurate this is!
1) Pick your favorite number between 1 and 8
2) Multiply your choice by 3
3) Add 3
4) Multiply again by 3
5) You'll get a 2 digit number.....maybe 42, for example
6) Add the digits together. Example 4 and 2 = 6

Now Scroll down.
With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:
1. Albert Einstein
2. Oprah Winfrey
3. Mother Theresa
4. The Pope
5. Bill Gates
6. Gandhi
7. Kylie Minogue
8. Princess Diana
9 Mick Parry
10.Winston Churchill
11.Barack Obama
12.Dalai Lama

i got mick parry,that cant be right.

All roads lead to Rome.

A husband says to his wife, "what would you do if I won Lotto?"

She says,
"I'd take half, then leave you."

"Excellent," he replies,
"I won £10, here's £5 - now F*ck off!"

An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

Or Swindon?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.


We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.


He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks
in the keyhole and see's his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'

Who's Mick Parry?

steve

quote:

Originally posted by Paper Plane:
Who's Mick Parry?

steve

I've no idea who Mick Parry is, either, but since the answer is always 9* (i.e. Mick Parry) someone must think this is a good joke ...

* use algebra

quote:

Originally posted by Musicmad:
I've no idea who Mick Parry is, either, but since the answer is always 9* (i.e. Mick Parry) someone must think this is a good joke ...

* use algebra

* use Find

quote:

Originally posted by TomK:

quote:

Originally posted by Musicmad:
I've no idea who Mick Parry is, either, but since the answer is always 9* (i.e. Mick Parry) someone must think this is a good joke ...

* use algebra

* use Find

lol +

I did (use Find ... i.e. tried a Google search) but since no obvious "answer" stuck out it still meant nothing to me.

The last time I saw this (sourced from a friend) the answer was either Gordon Brown or Tony Blair ... I can't remember which now.

But thank you for the advice.

quote:

Originally posted by Musicmad:
I did (use Find ... i.e. tried a Google search) but since no obvious "answer" stuck out it still meant nothing to me.

The last time I saw this (sourced from a friend) the answer was either Gordon Brown or Tony Blair ... I can't remember which now.

But thank you for the advice.

If I'd meant Google I'd have said Google. Go to the top of this page and just below the Naim logo you'll see "Find".

And you're welcome.

And I meant that I had tried a Google search prior to my earlier [algebra] posting.

If I'd meant I'd tried to find the meaning of the name following your advice I would have written: "... sticks out it still means nothing ..."

Sorry, but by the time of responding [Google search] I had lost interest in finding out who Mick Parry is/was.

hes a member on the forum.

Bloke goes the doctors and says "I think I'm going deaf"

doctor says "describe the symptoms?"

bloke says "Homer is fat and bald and Marge has blue hair"

Hows does Steven Hawkings shut his windows ?

ALT + F4

I just have just borrowed 'Debbie does Doncastor' it is like 'Debbie does Dallas' but with lard.

THE WEDDING TEST:
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend

and I had been dating for over a year, and so we

decided to get married. There was only one

little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful

younger sister.


My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very

tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She

would regularly bend down when she was near

me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to

be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was

near anyone else.


One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to

come over to check the wedding invitations. She was

alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she

had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't

overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once

before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if

you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'


I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go

up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned

and made a beeline straight to the front door. I

opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... and behold, my entire future family was standing

outside, all clapping!


With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and

said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our

little test. We couldn't ask for a better

man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:



Always keep your condoms in your car.

Deja vu?

My kids want a dog but I've refused to get them a Labrador.

It's frightening how many Labrador owners you see that have gone blind.

A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her life by
throwing herself into the Mersey.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a
handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to
America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll
take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you
happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start
in America would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit,
and they made passionate love until dawn.
Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the
captain... "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.. "I get food and
a trip to America, and he's screwing me."



"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Birkenhead Ferry."

This is an "Aggie" joke, that makes fun of people who go to Texas A&M University. Three professors (one from Harvard, one from Yale, and one from [a made-fun-of university of your choice]) are on a panel at an academic conference discussing the following topic: What is the most important invention ever made?

The professor from Harvard argues persuasively that it is the wheel. The Yale professor can't agree with him of course, so he argues that it is "man's use of fire as a tool." Also a persuasive argument.

The Aggie professor tells them that they are both wrong. "The most important invention ever made is the thermos." "Why?" asks the crowd in disbelief? "Well," the Aggie explained, "it keeps hot things hot in the winter, and cold things cold in the summer." The crowd then asks, "What is so great about that?," to which he replies......

"How does it know???!!"