Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Not sure if this will work !!
I love this machine message.
Wait for the phone to ring for the voice mail. This one is priceless
This is the actual answering-machine message for the Maroochydore High School
Sadly it's a hoax that's been doing the rounds for a while and with several different schools.
QUESTION: You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.
You are carrying your trucheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do ?
ANSWER:
British Police Officer:
Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed ?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law ?
3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger ?
4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack ?
5) Am I dressed provocatively ?
6) Could I run away ?
7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand ?
8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings ?
9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society ?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me ?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me ?
12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself ?
13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home ?
Canadian Police Officer:
BANG !
American Police Officer:
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
'Click'...Reload...
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
Glasgow Police Officer:
"Haw, Jimmie.. Drop the knife, noo, unless you want it stuck up yer arse!"
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic-looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess, and I take orders from no one.'
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!'
I thought she was joking ........ And then I saw her face......
Unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful bastards.
All I said was, 'Hurry up for Christ's sake ........... Some of us have got homes to go to!'
Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What do you feel like for dinner my love ......Chicken, beef or lamb?'
Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him England...
She said "Do you like avocado?"
I said "No, sorry love, I don't drive."
*SCOUSE* * VASECTOMY
After having their 11th child, a * *Liverpudlian* * couple decided that was enough, as the social couldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one. The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works** ** in Middlesbrough, parts of Bradford and anywhere in Wales.*
She said "Do you like avocado?"
I said "No, sorry love, I don't drive."
That, Tony, is a thing of beauty.
She said "Do you like avocado?"
I said "No, sorry love, I don't drive."
That, Tony, is a thing of beauty.
+1
Made me grin, once I'd read it the correct accent that is!
I'm really upset about Rik too, David, but don't worry - there's still time for you to become a comedian.
At work this afternoon we could here the rain starting to fall on the roof. Steve said that it would just be a shower.
Paul said that it sounded like a proper storm.
I said that it was no storm. "It's a Power Shower!"
Steve said to Paul, "What will we call George if does stop telling terrible jokes?"
"I don't know," said Paul.
"An ambulance!"
ATB from George
Without the 'he' and 'not' it loses a little in the telling.... To start with I thought it was a Naim joke.
At work this afternoon we could here the rain starting to fall on the roof. Steve said that it would just be a shower.
Paul said that it sounded like a proper storm.
I said that it was no storm. "It's a Power Shower!"
Steve said to Paul, "What will we call George if he does not stop telling terrible jokes?"
"I don't know," said Paul.
"An ambulance!"
ATB from George
Edited for HH.
At work this afternoon we could hear the rain starting to fall on the roof. Steve said that it would just be a shower.
Paul said that it sounded like a proper storm.
I said that it was no storm. "It's a Power Shower!"
Steve said to Paul, "What will we call George if he does not stop telling terrible jokes?"
"I don't know," said Paul.
"An ambulance!"
ATB from George
Edited for HH.
Edited for George.
What did you do, Winki?
I am completely hopeless at proof reading my own words! I hear what you are saying! I just missed it first time!
ATB from George
'hear' the rain. I spotted that but did not mention it lest I was judged picky.
Dear Nigel,
My typing is a joke. and I would not have typed "here" but the modern spelling correction has a tendency to guess wrongly the intention. No doubt what I was trying to type, but no doubt one or more wrong letters let the system auto-correct my effort to "here" without me even noticing!
Blast automation. I'd prefer my typing mistakes to automatic corrections that makes me look illiterate!
ATB from George
I agree. The auto correction is a nightmare.
There is an old lady from Slough
Who has a most terrible cough
But even though
She sounded most rough
We do hope that she will pull through
Sadly she died...
It wasn't the cough
that carried her off.
It was the coffin
they carried her off in!
P.S. I know the follow-up is old, but it does fit well.
Blast automation. I'd prefer my typing mistakes to automatic corrections that makes me look illiterate!
...
I know, I know: Some of them aren't even programmed to know that a preposition isn't an appropriate class of word to end a sentence with.
Err...
H
I think she meant she likes biscuits coated with bubbly chocolate
