Best Jokes (continues)

Not Beethoven's Piano Sonata No. 8 in C minor, Op. 13?

G

Very good!

Between the two Symphonies I phoned a friend, and his wife picked up! She said that I was obviously not following the World cup, and I said not.

She said not to bother as it was going badly!

ATB from George

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces: “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news.

Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.

Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach.  However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our Visa and MasterCard bill yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing Esther. Did you remember to send the income tax cheque to Revenue Canada this month?" he asks.

"Oh, forgive me, Abe," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

After 30 years of marriage a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on she went: Neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, and entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

That's a cracker.

Beck's ain't any better Tony and I thought it was an American beer.

What so Beck's ain't American, thought it was.  It is sh1te though, give me an English Ale any time and if you like Beck's then you is the one who don't know beers.  The Beck's you drink is probably brewed in the UK anyway but no you can keep it.

Lets be topical for a moment

Knock Knock 
Who's there! 
Hugo! 
Hugo who! 
Hugo jump in the lake!

Knock Knock 
Who's there! 
Hugo! 
Hugo who! 
Hugo first - I'm frightened!

Knock Knock 
Who's there! 
Hugo! 
Hugo who! 
Hugo your way and I'll go mine!

Say what you like but Beck's is still sh1te though.

He was pretty good in his early twenties but now he has lost what little pace he had I don't rate him that highly  

As you say his lack of pace was always his weakness.  But one thing about Beck's was he always gave 100% every time and boy could he bend those free kicks.

Tony just about all lagers leave a funny taste in my mouth, coupled to the fact that they are too gassy and too cold puts them out for me.

No give me a strong British Ale, none of this filtering and chemicals they put in lagers.  British Ales, unlike lagers, are still a living product when you drink them.

If Germans don't put chemicals in their beer then why do they put them in their wine?

I remember many years back a pub in Tunbridge Wells had been refurbed and we used to frequent it before this important social development took place.  Well the opening night was upon us and when we finished work we marched over in quick order to this mecca of refreshment.  We walked in and my mate Jim rushed up to the bar and ordered 5 pints of bitter.  You should have seen his face when the barman said 'Sorry sir we only serve lager' - they didn't even have keg bitter! Shock! Horror!  Ah well the Sussex Arms still did Ale.

The last time I was in the States there was some beer that wasn't too bad, but the likes of Coors etc...Don't start me off.  Some of the Boston beers were OK - Sam Brown was I think one, we also had a Porter Ale in Moab, UT.  Interestingly they had no idea where the name Porter Ale came from.

http://www.smh.com.au/world/st...-20140623-zsiet.html

Should have used lube

I saw an obese man at the park yesterday. He was wearing a t-shirt with 'Guess' on it. "Thyroid problem?" I said. 

Brilliant.

A man goes to a brothel and says: "I have £40 - I want total humiliation please."
The Madam replies: "Here, put on this England shirt!"

steve

I thought going rate for such humiliation was £90 or was that the price before we got eliminated?

Tony,

I think you've mistaken this for the bigotry forum.