Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Oh dear! I bought the album on the strength of that song and the rest was rubbish. Don't tell anyone please.
Your secret is safe with me, and Joe Dolce.
"Shut uppa your a face"
That track is always cited as being a really rubbish record that stopped an absolute classic (a Beatles or a Stones single I think) from number 1.
Not that I remember it of course, much too cool for that.
Oh dear! I bought the album on the strength of that song and the rest was rubbish. Don't tell anyone please.
Your secret is safe with me, and Joe Dolce.
"Shut uppa your a face"
That track is always cited as being a really rubbish record that stopped an absolute classic (a Beatles or a Stones single I think) from number 1.
Not that I remember it of course, much too cool for that.
Unless there is some hefty intertwining irony going on here, you should know that it was the very Vienna under discussion which was kept from number one by Shadduppa Your Face
Oh dear! I bought the album on the strength of that song and the rest was rubbish. Don't tell anyone please.
Your secret is safe with me, and Joe Dolce.
"Shut uppa your a face"
That track is always cited as being a really rubbish record that stopped an absolute classic (a Beatles or a Stones single I think) from number 1.
Not that I remember it of course, much too cool for that.
Unless there is some hefty intertwining irony going on here, you should know that it was the very Vienna under discussion which was kept from number one by Shadduppa Your Face
Well it was a good single, he said beating a hasty retreat!
Char Wallah I was more of a Singing Nun fan!
Last time I saw a Brazilian facing this many shots he was jumping a ticket barrier at Stockwell.
"I don't even know what lacist means" I replied.
Someone also suggested that yesterday was Brazil's worst semi performance since Pele's prescription ran out
I took a nasty tumble doing that 'heel clicking' jump.
Four Brazil fans were playing football with a hedgehog outside my house last night. I was just about to phone the RSPCA when the hedgehog went one-nil up !!
Four Brazil fans were playing football with a hedgehog outside my house last night. I was just about to phone the RSPCA when the hedgehog went one-nil up !!
Can't have been Brazilians, must have been English wearing Brazil shirts. Even a single hedgehog could beat the England team.
Four Brazil fans were playing football with a hedgehog outside my house last night. I was just about to phone the RSPCA when the hedgehog went one-nil up !!
Can't have been Brazilians, must have been English wearing Brazil shirts. Even a single hedgehog could beat the England team.
Can't have been a German hedgehog. It only went on to win 1-0. 
Personally, I think that award should go to Ethiopia.
t was the postman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, bacon, sausage, and freshly squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a fiver sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the fiver for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.
He said, 'Screw him, give him a fiver.'"
The lady smiled and said, "The breakfast was my idea."
Personal attacks reported.
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This means that just over 50% were useless gits who killed themselves.
This means that just over 50% were useless gits who killed themselves.
How is that a joke? The statistics aren't even right. Nearly 80% of bicycle accidents are the fault of motorists (according to one study, at least). For cyclists, nearly 100% of fatalities are due to them being run down by motorists. Single-bicycle fatalities are very rare.
(Wait; I may have ranted prematurely - you're talking about motorcyclists, right? I rode a motorbike myself for a few years and I can totally believe that I had about a 50:50 chance of either being run down or simply killing myself due to my own stupidity.)
One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said.
Adam looked at The Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given me. What could the bad news possibly be?"
The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."
teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams.. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' And out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the
grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager
wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has
friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.
The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.
A man arrives home one evening and found his wife in bed with another man. The husband grabbed the offending man by his nob and dragged him to the garage. After putting his dick into a vice and removing the bar so it couldn't be loosened he walked over to the shelf and took down a saw. The naked man said,
"My god, you're not going to cut it off are you?"
The husband replied,
"Oh no sir, the saw is for you. I'm going to set fire to the garage and leave. What you do next is your decision."
Handy.
Now Alex Salmond and the SNP can travel quickly between Earth and the other planet they clearly live on.
This means that just over 50% were useless gits who killed themselves.
How is that a joke? The statistics aren't even right. Nearly 80% of bicycle accidents are the fault of motorists (according to one study, at least). For cyclists, nearly 100% of fatalities are due to them being run down by motorists. Single-bicycle fatalities are very rare.
(Wait; I may have ranted prematurely - you're talking about motorcyclists, right? I rode a motorbike myself for a few years and I can totally believe that I had about a 50:50 chance of either being run down or simply killing myself due to my own stupidity.)
winkyincanada do I detect that you are a motorcyclist or donor as doctors would say?
ps since when does a joke need correct stats to be funny?
Loosen up man.
A 'joke' needs to be funny 'Big' Bill. Aint funny. (Yes, I'm a motorcyclist, yes, I've nearly been killed by motorists and lorry drivers. Yes, a friend has).