Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Please could we drop the thread about road fatalities, it's not an appropriate subject for humour.
I've seen someone killed by the rear wheels of a lorry.
It's not in any way funny.
Making a 'joke' out of this is likely to offend a significant number of people.
Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn't take itself too seriously. Check out their new livery! And get a kick out of the comments at the end of the photos. Notice the labeling on the plane. WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN'T FLY INTERNATIONALLY - WE SHOULD SUPPORT THEM IF ONLY FOR THEIR HUMOUR - SO TYPICALLY SOUTH AFRICAN. Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg . Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it !" ---o0o--- On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants." ----o0o--- On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it 's something we'd like to have." ----o0o--- "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane." ---o0o--- "Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." ---o0o--- As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" ---o0o-- After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." ---o0o--- From a Kulula employee: "Welcome aboard Kulula 2 71 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised." ---o0o--- "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite." ---o0o--- "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines." ----o0o--- "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments." ---o0o--- "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.." ---o0o--- And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!" ---o0o— Heard on Kulula 2 55 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt." ---o0o— Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" ---o0o— Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." ---o0o— An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it ?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?" ---o0o— After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.." ---o0o— Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways." ---o0o— Heard on a Kulula flight: "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em." |
Kulula are my airline of choice every time, they just make flying more pleasant with their humour.
Check out one of their many paint jobs
However - believe me - they really do get serious very quickly when needed, I was on a flight that had a problem & they went into the same drill as normal airlines. The humour did come back but not until we had landed & were well off the runway & on our way to the airbridge.
Kulula is a separate trading cmpy of Comair Ltd - Comair operate British Airways in SA under franchise
I'd say the joke is on statistics.
There is nothing that is beyond humour...ymmv as they say on teh interweb.
To find out more just google 'Asian bean flickers.'
There is nothing that is beyond humour...ymmv as they say on teh interweb.
Absolutely: and of course the internet is well known as the best arbiter of good taste!
(N.B. sarcasm!)
And the real message?...
It's said that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit; however, it was good enough for Shakespeare, so I reckon it's good enough for me.
Kulula are my airline of choice every time, they just make flying more pleasant with their humour.
Check out one of their many paint jobs
However - believe me - they really do get serious very quickly when needed, I was on a flight that had a problem & they went into the same drill as normal airlines. The humour did come back but not until we had landed & were well off the runway & on our way to the airbridge.
Kulula is a separate trading cmpy of Comair Ltd - Comair operate British Airways in SA under franchise
I did try posting some of their pictures but my post came back....Not Approved.....
Mista H
$480,000 MORTGAGE
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said 'Son we'd give you one but the mortgage on this
house is $480,000 and your mother just lost her job.
There's no way we can afford it.'
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked 'Son where are you going?
‘Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and
heard you telling mum you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
Well, there’s no way I’m staying here on my own with a
$480,000 mortgage and no bloody bike!
There is nothing that is beyond humour...ymmv as they say on teh interweb.
Absolutely: and of course the internet is well known as the best arbiter of good taste!
(N.B. sarcasm!)
And the real message?...
It's said that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit; however, it was good enough for Shakespeare, so I reckon it's good enough for me.
Now all you need to do is post something that is funny...
What's the difference between Oscar Pistorius and the Brazilian football team?
Pistorius has a better defence and more shots on target.
What's the difference between Oscar Pistorius and the Brazilian football team?
Pistorius has a better defence and more shots on target.
In 40 years time, some people will have forgiven Pistorius.
An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and best of all....
Medicare pays $43 of it."
A 'joke' needs to be funny 'Big' Bill. Aint funny. (Yes, I'm a motorcyclist, yes, I've nearly been killed by motorists and lorry drivers. Yes, a friend has).
No CP a joke does not need to be funny, well not to everyone that is. I basically agree with you that the motorcycle joke is not that funny but who do you appoint to control the 'publication' of jokes? If you agree with censorship then fine.
On the aircraft related front a little reminisce.
I was flying back from Germany on BA one evening after a long hard few days and the pilot came on line and said "If my mate Fred the navigator is right, then them lights down there are Antwerp and we will land at Heathrow in 20 minutes. If he is wrong it might be a little longer."
ps Lionel re your last post. You will wait a long time so don't hold your breath
Jihaddiwaddy.
Jihaddiwaddy.
That will be a lot of fun. Can you imagine the post-gig parties: More tea Abdul?
Sarcasm has had a raw deal, imho, until now - irony simply does not work on the internet, sarcasm is ideally suited for the format, I believe.
Probably true Char Wallah, a bit ironic really.
Jihaddiwaddy.
That will be a lot of fun. Can you imagine the post-gig parties: More tea Abdul?
That's mint!
+ "Here comes Osama"
Jihaddiwaddy.
You could invite Jeff Dunham to bring Ahmed as the front man, he already performs 'Jingle Bombs' (imo, it's well worth watching).
A punter at the races is having a bad day. Three races and not a winner. He is studying the horses for the 4th race when he notices a priest bless one of the horses. To his amazement the horse, even though a long shot, wins the race. He thinks 'I'll keep an eye on that priest''.
Sure enough, before the next race, the priest again blesses a horse. The punter looks it up; it's 10/1. He runs to the bookies and places £10 on it. The horse wins easily. The punter can't believe his luck.
Next race he again waits for the priest. This time he blesses a horse which is 20/1. The punter places all his money, £200, on the horse. Needless to say the horse romps home and the punter collects £4,200. He is elated. There is one race left and it's his final chance to clear up. He heads to the ATM and withdraws all his savings.
Again he waits and, sure enough, the priest selects a horse. He blesses the eyes, ears and hooves of the horse. The punter runs to the bookies and puts all his life savings on it. The race starts and the horse is just ahead at the first bend. By the 5th fence the horse is 5 lengths clear, by the home straight the horse is 10 lengths clear with just one fence to jump. The horse hits the fence and takes a very hard fall. The punter loses everything.
After the race he sees the priest down by the last fence, watching the horse being put down. The punter runs up to the priest. 'What happened?'' says the punter.
The priest turns around 'You're not Catholic are you my son?', he enquires
'No', says the punter, 'I'm Jewish'
'That's the problem' says the priest, 'you don't know the difference between a blessing and the last rites'
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. He is amazed to find a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in....
Excitedly, the Irishman begins, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies, "Get out! You're on my side."
