Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Posted on: 16 July 2014 by mista h
"It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testiclesthat you realize there must be a way to solve problems without using violence." |
Posted on: 16 July 2014 by mista h
Celibacy can be a choice in life,
Or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend,
my wife and I, listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
things that are important to each other.."
He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently,
and whispered,
'Self-raising, isn't it?'
And thus began my life of celibacy.......... |
Posted on: 16 July 2014 by james n
Originally Posted by tonym:
Brilliant
Posted on: 16 July 2014 by George J
Originally Posted by tonym:
Very good Tony,
Though I can tell you that on the farm in my childhood we used to put a galvanised bolt [head cut off] into the thirteen amp single phase plug for the Oxford Electric Welder!
Most of the fifteen amp [three phase] fuses had three runs of fifteen amp wire or else the starting of a large electric motor on a mill or augur would blow the proper fuse before the motor ever got up to speed let alone be loaded. There were no earth trips on that system either!
The wiring was a death trap.
The reason we occasionally had to fit a new galvanised both in the welder was that every now and then the plug would melt or go on fire!
By the way that spanner would not be rated enough to start a Statement. You need at lead a one and sixteenth inch AF for that!
ATB from George
Posted on: 16 July 2014 by Paper Plane
Originally Posted by Reginald Halliday:
That's brilliant!
steve
Posted on: 16 July 2014 by elkman70
I've been offered eight legs of venison for £50. Could anyone tell me if that's too dear?
Posted on: 16 July 2014 by Reginald Halliday
If the venison came from visually impaired animals then no idea.
Posted on: 16 July 2014 by jjbomber
So 660 paedophiles are arrested on the day the BBC staff return from Brazil. It can't be just a coincidence can it?
Posted on: 16 July 2014 by Huge
Originally Posted by jjbomber:
So 660 paedophiles are arrested on the day the BBC staff return from Brazil. It can't be just a coincidence can it?
Seems like they missed six.
Posted on: 16 July 2014 by Tony Lockhart
Despite the scorching weather we're having across Britain, it appears much of Westminster remains in the low teens.
Posted on: 17 July 2014 by tonym
Posted on: 17 July 2014 by Reginald Halliday
I've just bought myself an alarmist clock. It wakes me up by reading the headlines from the Daily Mail.
Posted on: 17 July 2014 by Reginald Halliday
The lavatory at work won't flush, but the maintenance department refuse to fix it due to job demarcation. I blame the cistern.
Posted on: 17 July 2014 by mista h
Telephone rings, woman answers.
Pervert, breathing heavily, says,
"I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"
Woman replies, "Yes, I have. He's watching the rugby....
Who shall I say is calling?"
Posted on: 17 July 2014 by mista h
Oh to be a Redneck.
Posted on: 17 July 2014 by mista h
A man goes to his doctor and says,
"Doctor, Doctor, please help me! I've got a problem."
The doctor examines the man and finds that he has a red ring around his penis. The doctor gives him an ointment to rub into the problem area.
"It's all cleared up!" the man reports when he returns. "But what was that medication you gave me?"
"Lipstick remover." replied the doctor.
Posted on: 19 July 2014 by Big Bill
How do you tell when a Russian is lying?
When he opens his mouth.
Posted on: 19 July 2014 by elkman70
I was sat in the tattoo parlour this afternoon when I saw a beautiful butterfly with a slag tattooed on it's wing.
Posted on: 19 July 2014 by Tony Lockhart
I'm nicking that.
Posted on: 19 July 2014 by Tony Lockhart
I am never going to forget the last words of my father before he died...
"Son, I want you to meet your new step-mother, Vanessa Feltz... Son, put the gun down, son... SON!"
Posted on: 19 July 2014 by Tony Lockhart
If you're anxious and you know it..
Clasp your hands.
Posted on: 19 July 2014 by winkyincanada
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
If you're anxious and you know it..
Clasp your hands.
Posted on: 20 July 2014 by Tony Lockhart
I've just seen George Bush's art gallery, and to be honest I think his portrait of Tony Blair is pretty good.
The lies follow you around the room.
Posted on: 20 July 2014 by Kevin-W
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
I've just seen George Bush's art gallery, and to be honest I think his portrait of Tony Blair is pretty good.
The lies follow you around the room.
Oh my word, that is very good. Will have to steal.
Posted on: 20 July 2014 by Tony Lockhart
If you're devious and you know it hatch your plans.
