Best Jokes (continues)

You would have thought that someone would have invented hindsight sooner.

The first chapter of the new Savile exposé book is titled:

"Apocalypse Now Then"

(this is true..!)

As opposed to Mick Jagger's, which is 'A Pucker Lips Now'

I took my bicycle to my local bike shop and asked them to make it faster. They sold it to someone else.

Very good!

I liked that! 

ATB from George

Looks like a blinding deal to me!!

A little old lady asked me to check her bank balance at the cashpoint today, so I pushed her over.

Check her balance......?

I've begun reading a book about anti-gravity. 

I can't put it down.

 

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is.

They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...


'I think the man would have said - 'Well, F#ck me!! A talking pig!'


The teacher had to leave the room.

 

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and  staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.
Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed
through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna  lengthen his legs, aren't you?"

A farmer drives to his neighbours farm. He knocks the door and a little Johnny answers.

'Is your father in?', asks the farmer.

'No', little Johnny replies, 'He and Mummy have gone to market'

'Is your brother Dai at home?' enquires the farmer

'No', little Johnny replies, 'he's out on the tractor, but I know all about farming. I can help you'.

'Well', the farmer replies, 'I really need to speak to your dad. You see, your brother Dai had got my daughter Blodwyn pregnant'.

Little Johnny thinks for a while. 'Yes', he says 'you will have to see Dad about that. I know it's £1,000 for the prize bull and £500 to breed with the prize pig, but I have no idea what he charges for Dai'

If it wasn't for my lawyer, I'd still be in jail. It's much faster digging with two people.

Little Johnny is in class with his form.  Teacher asks them to think up a sentence with the word 'nice' in it twice.

Johnny sticks his hand up: "I know one Miss", says Johnny, oh no thinks his teacher, so asks Gillian instead.

"Well Miss", says Gillian, "We went to LEGOLAND and Mummy said it was nice and Daddy said it was nice".  "Thank you, that was lovely" says Miss, any more.

"I know one" says Johnny.

"Kevin what about you"?  Well Miss my Mummy made me a cup of tea and she gave me one of those biscuits with NICE written on them and they were nice."  "Super Kevin" said Miss.

Miss looks around and the only one with their hands up is Little Johnny.  "OK Johnny let's hear your one"

"Well Miss," said Johnny, "my sister came home the other night and told me Dad she was pregnant and he said: That's NICE, that's f*^king NICE."