Best Jokes (continues)

Franco-American philosophy

I do therefore I be:   Descartes

I be therefore I do:   Sartre

Do be do be do:       Sinatra

I remember hearing that joke around the time Naim introduced the 42 preamp.

Don`t see a problem i`m sure we could help out.

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, 'Yes. my husband and I use it all the time.'

'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'

'We use it for Sex.'

The researcher was a little taken back. 'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly
how you use it for sex?'

The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all... my husband and I put it on the door knob so the kids can't open the door!'

Southern Softies complaining about a few showers reminded me of this.

A TV documentary crew are in Jerusalem when they see an old man praying at the Wailing Wall. Thinking it a good opportunity, they start to interview the old man. 

''Tell me Sir, how long have you been coming here to pray?''

''Twice a day for about 60 years'' the old man replies

''And tell me, what exactly is it you pray for?''

''Many things'' he replies. ''I pray for peace between Christians, Arabs and Muslims. I pray for all wars and bloodshed to stop. I pray for politicians to put the people before themselves.''

''That's excellent'', says the interviewer. ''Do you think your prayers will come true''

''Not really'', says the old man. 'It's just like talking to the f--king wall'

While in other news a man has been struck off after he had sex with two of his patients. As they say, it shouldn't happen to a vet.

I dropped my ipod in the ocean today.

Now Adele really is rolling in the deep.

I recently went to a German/Chinese restaurant but half an hour later I was hungry for power.

Copied from Steve J's post in the Football Season 2014-2015 thread, coz it even made me laugh!

I see 'Vanishing Spray' is being used in the Premiership next season after it's successful use in the World Cup. I think Southampton Football Club have been using it in the pre-season.

Not sure if this has been up before.

An Australian has started his own business in Afghanistan! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!!

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Commonwealth Games after they tested positive for WD40

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ... Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low.

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a
fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "what's up Abdul, won't it start?"

Two pussies for the price of one.

You've taken over Mista H's mantel on this thread. A few are a bit near the knuckle.