Best Jokes (continues)

quote:

Originally posted by Musicmad:
I did (use Find ... i.e. tried a Google search) but since no obvious "answer" stuck out it still meant nothing to me.

The last time I saw this (sourced from a friend) the answer was either Gordon Brown or Tony Blair ... I can't remember which now.

But thank you for the advice.

If I'd meant Google I'd have said Google. Go to the top of this page and just below the Naim logo you'll see "Find".

And you're welcome.

And I meant that I had tried a Google search prior to my earlier [algebra] posting.

If I'd meant I'd tried to find the meaning of the name following your advice I would have written: "... sticks out it still means nothing ..."

Sorry, but by the time of responding [Google search] I had lost interest in finding out who Mick Parry is/was.

hes a member on the forum.

Bloke goes the doctors and says "I think I'm going deaf"

doctor says "describe the symptoms?"

bloke says "Homer is fat and bald and Marge has blue hair"

Hows does Steven Hawkings shut his windows ?

ALT + F4

I just have just borrowed 'Debbie does Doncastor' it is like 'Debbie does Dallas' but with lard.

THE WEDDING TEST:
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend

and I had been dating for over a year, and so we

decided to get married. There was only one

little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful

younger sister.


My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very

tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She

would regularly bend down when she was near

me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to

be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was

near anyone else.


One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to

come over to check the wedding invitations. She was

alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she

had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't

overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once

before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if

you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'


I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go

up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned

and made a beeline straight to the front door. I

opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... and behold, my entire future family was standing

outside, all clapping!


With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and

said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our

little test. We couldn't ask for a better

man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:



Always keep your condoms in your car.

Deja vu?

My kids want a dog but I've refused to get them a Labrador.

It's frightening how many Labrador owners you see that have gone blind.

A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her life by
throwing herself into the Mersey.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a
handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to
America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll
take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you
happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start
in America would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit,
and they made passionate love until dawn.
Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the
captain... "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.. "I get food and
a trip to America, and he's screwing me."



"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Birkenhead Ferry."

This is an "Aggie" joke, that makes fun of people who go to Texas A&M University. Three professors (one from Harvard, one from Yale, and one from [a made-fun-of university of your choice]) are on a panel at an academic conference discussing the following topic: What is the most important invention ever made?

The professor from Harvard argues persuasively that it is the wheel. The Yale professor can't agree with him of course, so he argues that it is "man's use of fire as a tool." Also a persuasive argument.

The Aggie professor tells them that they are both wrong. "The most important invention ever made is the thermos." "Why?" asks the crowd in disbelief? "Well," the Aggie explained, "it keeps hot things hot in the winter, and cold things cold in the summer." The crowd then asks, "What is so great about that?," to which he replies......

"How does it know???!!"

A joke in the Metro yesterday, 2 Nazi thugs( sorry BNP members) holding a paper :-

Headline Nick Clegg to ban isometric passports.

one thug to other "thats OK but how many isometrics are already over here?"

quote:

Originally posted by BigH47:
A joke in the Metro yesterday, 2 Nazi thugs( sorry BNP members) holding a paper :-

Headline Nick Clegg to ban isometric passports.

one thug to other "thats OK but how many isometrics are already over here?"

I'd be surprised if they could understand a word with so many syllables...

steve

What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?
Stephen Hawking after a house fire.....

£500,000 to meet Prince? Wasn't long ago when you got to party with Prince like it was £19.99.

Ray Alan has sadly passed away. Lord Charles is speechless.

Is an oxymoron a mad cow?

Jose Mourinho has held a press conference this morning to officially distance himself from a move to be the next manager of the red sh*te. (Liverpool).

Jose said: 'I'm not that f*ckin' special!'

'Iron Man' is a superhero.
'Iron Woman' is a command.

Found a DVD the other day entitled 'Bald and barely legal'. Chuffed to bits I rushed home put the disc in and sat there ready to bash one out.... Turns out it was a Ministry of Transport vid on tyre tread depths.

Tony

Jack Nicklaus is paired up with one of the locals in the Barnsley golf club annual pro-am tournament.
As they are walking down the first fairway Jack attempts a bit of conversation with his partner.
"Nice tee shot ,buddy" he says.
Yorkie replies "Yeah, t'wife bought it fer £2.99 ont market."

quote:

Originally posted by Tony Lockhart:
Found a DVD the other day entitled 'Bald and barely legal'. Chuffed to bits I rushed home put the disc in and sat there ready to bash one out.... Turns out it was a Ministry of Transport vid on tyre tread depths.

Tony

Now that did make me chortle.

I used to work at a helium factory.

I left - I didn't like the way they spoke to me.

Missus just said to me 'you make love like a decorator' I replied what slow with smooth strokes & a professional finish?
No! She replies more like the f****** council You just bang it up, leave a right mess & I have to finish the f****** job myself!

quote:

quote:
Originally posted by Tony Lockhart:
Found a DVD the other day entitled 'Bald and barely legal'. Chuffed to bits I rushed home put the disc in and sat there ready to bash one out.... Turns out it was a Ministry of Transport vid on tyre tread depths.

Tony


Now that did make me chortle.

DITTO.

hi guy's.sorry i haven't been on for a while,but i've been in hospital having a dangerous mole removed from my penis.



I won't be shagging one of those again for a while.