Best Jokes (continues)

A joke in the Metro yesterday, 2 Nazi thugs( sorry BNP members) holding a paper :-

Headline Nick Clegg to ban isometric passports.

one thug to other "thats OK but how many isometrics are already over here?"

quote:

Originally posted by BigH47:
A joke in the Metro yesterday, 2 Nazi thugs( sorry BNP members) holding a paper :-

Headline Nick Clegg to ban isometric passports.

one thug to other "thats OK but how many isometrics are already over here?"

I'd be surprised if they could understand a word with so many syllables...

steve

What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?
Stephen Hawking after a house fire.....

£500,000 to meet Prince? Wasn't long ago when you got to party with Prince like it was £19.99.

Ray Alan has sadly passed away. Lord Charles is speechless.

Is an oxymoron a mad cow?

Jose Mourinho has held a press conference this morning to officially distance himself from a move to be the next manager of the red sh*te. (Liverpool).

Jose said: 'I'm not that f*ckin' special!'

'Iron Man' is a superhero.
'Iron Woman' is a command.

Found a DVD the other day entitled 'Bald and barely legal'. Chuffed to bits I rushed home put the disc in and sat there ready to bash one out.... Turns out it was a Ministry of Transport vid on tyre tread depths.

Tony

Jack Nicklaus is paired up with one of the locals in the Barnsley golf club annual pro-am tournament.
As they are walking down the first fairway Jack attempts a bit of conversation with his partner.
"Nice tee shot ,buddy" he says.
Yorkie replies "Yeah, t'wife bought it fer £2.99 ont market."

quote:

Originally posted by Tony Lockhart:
Found a DVD the other day entitled 'Bald and barely legal'. Chuffed to bits I rushed home put the disc in and sat there ready to bash one out.... Turns out it was a Ministry of Transport vid on tyre tread depths.

Tony

Now that did make me chortle.

I used to work at a helium factory.

I left - I didn't like the way they spoke to me.

Missus just said to me 'you make love like a decorator' I replied what slow with smooth strokes & a professional finish?
No! She replies more like the f****** council You just bang it up, leave a right mess & I have to finish the f****** job myself!

quote:

quote:
Originally posted by Tony Lockhart:
Found a DVD the other day entitled 'Bald and barely legal'. Chuffed to bits I rushed home put the disc in and sat there ready to bash one out.... Turns out it was a Ministry of Transport vid on tyre tread depths.

Tony


Now that did make me chortle.

DITTO.

hi guy's.sorry i haven't been on for a while,but i've been in hospital having a dangerous mole removed from my penis.



I won't be shagging one of those again for a while.

I hope I haven't posted this before, told by comedienne Ellie Lane.

'What's the similarity between tits and train sets?

They're both meant for kids, but it's always the dads who end up playing with them.'

From an old road sign on the A1 North of Newcastle . .

Sign one . . . "Jesus Saves"

A little further up the road, sign two . . . "But Gascoigne scores on the rebound"

I was told that if I employed Moses and Mohammed to perform acrobatics, it would help my business. But so far, I've only seen prophets tumbling.

Tony

Due to a water shortage in ireland the dublin swimming baths have announced they will be closing lanes 5 & 6 until further notice.

I paid four grand for the wife to have a boob job........ She was thrilled!

I paid three grand for her to have a nose job.......... She was delighted!

I treat myself to a £30 blow job at the local brothel......... And she does her bloody nut!!

Tony

Bad news from the Middle East.
Etchasketchistan has been wiped out by a massive earthquake...

A group of 40-year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the waiters there were good looking and had buff bodies.

Ten years later, at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the food there was very good and it had an excellent wine selection.

Ten years later, when they were all 60, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. They agreed that they would meet again at the Ocean View Restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

Ten years later the group, all 70 years of age, once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because
the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator.

Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because
they had never been there before.

What's big, Scottish and depressing?

Scotland.


Tony

Teacher to class:
"What does you're daddy do ?"

Boy puts his hand up and answers:
"At the weekends my Daddy works as a dancer in a gay bar and afterwards, if the price is right, he takes a pounding from behind and lets other men come in his mouth..."

Taken aback at the little boy's answer, the teacher takes him outside and asks:
"Is that all true ?"

The boy answers:
"No, of course not. My Daddy is the goalkeeper* with the England team but I was too embarrassed to say..!"



* This was doing the rounds after match 1. You could of course, now, substitute the word Goalkeeper with Striker...!

The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Oludare Umboto, aged 6."