Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
I've changed my mind; I love you all darlings!
It's too late Nigel. I know you all hate me (sob)...
Well Tony, I really like you but LOVE your wife's homemade soup and buns ! 
ATB Peter
You've 'scone' and done it now Peter. 
The man arrested at Manchester Airport today following a hoax bomb threat was carrying nothing more than Benylin Mucus Cough medicine said a spokesman for Catarrh Airways.
There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.
She asked the shepherd, "If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?"
He replied "Sure!"
Out of the blue, she blurts out, "352!"
He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She looks and searches and finally picks out the cutest one.
He looks at her and says, "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back!"
One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said.
Adam looked at The Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given me. What could the bad news possibly be?"
The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."
Tony I wonder what the average time it keeps a simple man occupied?
Dunno Howard. I've been playing with it for four days now.
Ebola will finish you off.
Where is Tulisa? In Africa maybe?
Will this get thru Moderation ?
The Queen is in Glasgow where she bumped into Alex Salmond.
HM: “How nice to see you Mr Salmond”.
AS: “Nice to see you Ma’am. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when we win Independence?
How about calling it a Kingdom, and then I’ll be a King”?
HM: “No, we don’t like that idea Mr Salmond”.
AS: “Empire, and I'll be Emperor”?
HM: “No. I don’t think so Mr Salmond”.
AS: “OK, so how about calling it a Principality, and then I’ll be a Prince”?
HM: “No, Mr Salmond. May I suggest that we call it a Country?
Three of the zoo workers were rushed to the hospital with turd debris burns.
Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding.
Wouldn't you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, boy?"
Bob thought for a second and said, "Uh, 60?"
"67 miles per hour, son! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!" said the cop.
"But if you already knew, officer," replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"
Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled and said in his sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!" The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish, and said, "What kind of job would a bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.
"What did you say, boy?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a rectum stretcher!"
The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"
Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six-foot *******?"
Bob said, "You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!"
Will this get thru Moderation ?
The Queen is in Glasgow where she bumped into Alex Salmond.
HM: “How nice to see you Mr Salmond”.
AS: “Nice to see you Ma’am. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when we win Independence?
How about calling it a Kingdom, and then I’ll be a King”?
HM: “No, we don’t like that idea Mr Salmond”.
AS: “Empire, and I'll be Emperor”?
HM: “No. I don’t think so Mr Salmond”.
AS: “OK, so how about calling it a Principality, and then I’ll be a Prince”?
HM: “No, Mr Salmond. May I suggest that we call it a Country?
I'll drink to that! Nice one.
Will this get thru Moderation ?
The Queen is in Glasgow where she bumped into Alex Salmond.
HM: “How nice to see you Mr Salmond”.
AS: “Nice to see you Ma’am. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when we win Independence?
How about calling it a Kingdom, and then I’ll be a King”?
HM: “No, we don’t like that idea Mr Salmond”.
AS: “Empire, and I'll be Emperor”?
HM: “No. I don’t think so Mr Salmond”.
AS: “OK, so how about calling it a Principality, and then I’ll be a Prince”?
HM: “No, Mr Salmond. May I suggest that we call it a Country?
I'll drink to that! Nice one.
I don't think we need to wait for the referendum; he qualifies for that title already.
Just logged on to my AOL Broadband and this came up as my opening screen.
Brilliant!
It reminds me of the old schoolyard joke
"What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?"
Brilliant!
It reminds me of the old schoolyard joke
"What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?"
I misread that...need my reading glasses!
G
Brilliant!
It reminds me of the old schoolyard joke
"What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?"
I misread that...need my reading glasses!
G
Yes, the 'h' is silent.
When driving up behind cyclists riding three abreast along a busy road, do you have to make do with taking out the one on the outside, or are you allowed to swerve a bit and get all three?
BREAKING NEWS: Oscar Pistorious has sacked his legal team and hired Celtic's as he has heard you can lose both legs and still win.
"His face was a complete mess." said the coroner. "But his lungs were mint."
BREAKING NEWS: Oscar Pistorious has sacked his legal team and hired Celtic's as he has heard you can lose both legs and still win.
