Best Jokes (continues)

According to a Man Ure spokesman, Old Trafford have banned the use of tablets in their ground,. Sounds a bit tough; those fans need their anti-depressants. 

The Mother Superior calls all the nuns together. She then says to them, “I must tell you something very serious. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.” A nun in the back responds, “Thank God! I’m so tired of Zinfandel.”

This is awful

 Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem..'
> 
> 
> 
> The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. 
> 
> 
> 
> 'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' 
> says Gerry. 
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> 
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> The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. 
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> Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's 
> truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. 
> 
> 
> 
> At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 
> 'Dis looks like a grand place..' 
> 
> 
> 
> He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps 
> off the cliff. 
> 
> 
> 
> Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the 
> bottom, killing himself stone dead. 
> 
> 
> 
> Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and 
> says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!' 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> THERE'S MORE... 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass. 
> 
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> 
> He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff 
> carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. 
> 
> 
> 
> 'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says. 
> 
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> 
> He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. 
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> He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. 
> 
> 
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> Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the 
> parrot. 
> 
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> 
> Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and 
> breaks every bone in his body. 
> 
> 
> 
> Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat 
> parrotshooting either!' 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> IT IS NOT OVER YET... 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean 
> appears. 
> 
> 
> 
> He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of 
> which he pulls a chicken. 
> 
> 
> 
> Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff 
> and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his 
> spine... 
> 
> 
> 
> Once more Paddy shakes his head. 
> 
> 
> 
> 'Fook dat, lads... First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den 
> Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding
> 
> 
> 
> 
> *****************************************************.
> 
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> 

Like the two charts Tony, very good

Mista h,

   Your paddy joke is one of the funnest ive heard in a long time, keep up the good work

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. 
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?" 
Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher. 
She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter." 
The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy." 
A few days later the regular teacher is still sick. When Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is. Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I Remember it has an "R" after the first letter." 
"That's right," she coaxed. 
Then after a few seconds Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?" 

Thanks for those kind words CBR. i`ve been waiting for the Moaners to have a pop at me(as if i care) but its all very quite....they must all be on holiday.

Mista h

The little Johnny jokes have always been a playground favourite.

One I can remember is;

One November the class is asked to relate what they did on Bonfire Night. Little Johnny put his hand up. "OK Johnny tell us what you did" said the teacher. Little Johnny replied "Well Miss, my brovver and me stuck a banger up the arse of the tomcat from next door." "Rectum" corrected the teacher. "Yeah Miss. Blew 'em to pieces."

That joke is at least 50 years old. I apologise. 

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his throat to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give 500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”

The Irishman replies, “Oh… I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.”

Tony,Tony,Tony. Having read your many wife jokes over the years, I've often thought that one day wifie would quietly place a pillow over your face while you sleep. I think that day is getting closer. I will miss your humor and aircraft photos.

Boxing Promoter Frank Maloney has been talking about his sex change and life as Kellie. ''The artificial vagina is brilliant. Never again will I be battered about the ring!'

Type the word askew into google...

Type the phrase 'do a barrel roll' into Google.

Going to sell my old Hoover, it is only gathering dust

That joke was all over the news earlier this morning - it won (quite rightly) best joke at the Edinburgh Festival for Tim Vine.