Best Jokes (continues)

Top 9 at Edinburgh, but not as good as the jokes on here.

1. "I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust" - Tim Vine.
2. "I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set" - Masai Graham.
3. "Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief" - Mark Watson.
4. "I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number ones and number twos" - Bec Hill.
5. "I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me" - Ria Lina.
6. "Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal" - Paul F Taylor.
7. "Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying" - Scott Capurro.
8. "I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for seven" - Jason Cook.
9. "This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it" - Felicity Ward.

A husband has 'I Love You' tattooed on his penis and rushes home to show his wife. She said 'There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth', 

A friend of mine made love to twins all last night. I said 'How could you tell them apart?'

'Easy' he replied, 'the brother had a moustache'.

Essex girl in bed turns to her boyfriend 'How dare you call me a slapper. Get out of my bed right now. And take all your mates with you!'

I told these jokes at the old people's home last night. They didn't understand the jokes but they still pissed themselves.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, 

Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-
conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 
degrees.
>
The four brothers walked into old man Henry 
Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four 
gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto 
industry since the electric starter.
>
>
Henry was 
curious and invited them into his office.
They refused 
and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They 
persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned 
on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
>
The old man 
got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered 
them $3 million for the patent.
>
The brothers refused, saying they would 
settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a 
label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in 
which it was installed

.
>          Now old man Ford was more than just a little 
anti-Jewish, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's 
name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two 
hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names 
would be shown.
>
And so to 
this day, all Ford air conditioners show

--
Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.
>

Stop Groaning,
>         
Control yourself !

 

This is what 
happens when you are retired and have too much time on your hands !

My wife wanted to try role play in the bedroom, so I pretended to be an IT support specialist.

It turned her on, then off, then back on again.

You should be ashamed telling a joke like that!

Oh God, I feel so ashamed. What was I thinking? 

Naughty boy Tony.  

An IBM salesman and support tech went camping for the weekend into the wild blue yonder.  They found their cabin and then discovered that neither of them had brought any food.  "Oh gosh," said the "support tech what will we do?"

"No worries" said the salesman.  "You go into the cabin and open the front door and the back door and when I shout out for you to close the doors you do exactly what I say."  "OK said the support tech."

So the salesman goes off and the support tech goes into the cabin, opens both doors and waits.

About quarter of an hour later he can hear the salesman yelling.  "When me and the bear go through the front door then you close it." the salesman yells.  The salesman comes running up chased by this enormous bear, the support tech lets them go in and then closes the front door.  The salesman comes running out of the back door and slams it shut.  The bear is trapped.

The support tech can hear the bear banging, roaring and charging about inside and not in the best possible mood.  "OK," he says "what next?"

"Well you go in there and cook him and I will go off and find another."

I've no idea. But I'm glad you were thinking it.

I witnessed absolutely disgusting behaviour on the sea front at Llandudno today. I saw a man and a woman having an almighty argument in front of a load of kids. Suddenly the woman smacked the guy on the head and it all kicked off!!! There was a massive brawl and someone must have phoned the police. This poor copper turned up on his own and took his baton to the man. The guy managed to get the baton off the copper and began to assault the copper and his wife!!!

Then, out of nowhere, a crocodile crept up and stole all the sausages!

I was waiting for the Punch line...

G

Where we on a campsite in Dorset (or possibly Devon) and a Seagull nicked one of my sausages off the BBQ.  Good job crocs can't fly.

ps Tony I get the joke.

Report last week of someone requiring lip stitches after a gull took the food from their mouth.

Reminds me of Ian Cuthbertson in (possibly the best) 'Ripping Yarns'.

G

TRUE STORY

Been with SHMBO for almost 30 years now,and i knew her birthday for sometime soon. Plan being to splash the cash....out for a meal and all that crap.

So this morning i asked her to remind me of the actual date,back came the reply......YESTERDAY.

mista H

Where is Michael Jackson when you need him to say "Aooowww"?

John.

One has to try harder mista H. 

Historic Fact for Today: Before the 'Iron Age' everything was just creased .