Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Posted on: 28 August 2014 by mista h
Just been sent this.
Posted on: 29 August 2014 by Tony Lockhart
My parents were very frugal and never lived above their means. They only ever had enough money to raise two children...
The others they drowned in a lake.
Posted on: 29 August 2014 by Tony Lockhart
Nike have developed the first training shoes for lesbians.
They have a huge tongue, and you can get them off with one finger.
Posted on: 31 August 2014 by Tony Lockhart
My wife never watches a whole adult movie. She just flicks to the good bits.
Posted on: 31 August 2014 by Reginald Halliday
Murderers:
Want to dispose of a body? Post it via DHL. You'll never see it again.
Posted on: 31 August 2014 by Tony Lockhart
I had to make an insurance claim after a woman reversed into my car.
When the insurance company phoned and asked how it happened, I told them she couldn't see because her parcel shelf was covered in stupid bloody meerkat toys.
Posted on: 02 September 2014 by mista h
Little Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had bugger all', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada . Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, "The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother.
That's why I got bugger all for breakfast'.
Posted on: 02 September 2014 by Tony Lockhart
Actors Donnie Wahlberg and Jenny McCarthy are reported to have got married outside Chicago.
What a coincidence, I got married outside Chicago too.
Suffolk, in fact.
Posted on: 02 September 2014 by BigH47
Just seen a man wearing a camouflage jacket. Hope he kept the receipt .
Posted on: 02 September 2014 by Tony Lockhart
My mate told me about a little alien with a red hat and fishing rod sat in his front garden.
Sounds like an E.T faux gnome.
Posted on: 03 September 2014 by Tony Lockhart
President Obama said today that he will continue to hunt down I.S. terrorists.
The UK Police Chief said today that he will continue to hunt down parents who take their children for better treatment elsewhere.
Posted on: 03 September 2014 by jjbomber
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
The UK Police Chief said today that he will continue to hunt down parents who take their children for better treatment elsewhere.
Rotherham Police Chief said today he will continue to ignore criminals who take children for awful treatment elsewhere.
Posted on: 04 September 2014 by Tony Lockhart
The world's leading tennis player has fallen foul of new EU regulations and had his 3kW Hoover impounded.
He will now be known as No Vac Djokovic.
Posted on: 04 September 2014 by mista h
What is the best reason that Scots have for voting YES at the forthcoming independence election?
Gordon Brown wants them to vote NO!
Posted on: 05 September 2014 by mista h
DISNEYLAND Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Freeway when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home. |
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Posted on: 05 September 2014 by mista h
CAR
TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
Mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor' She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?' |
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Posted on: 05 September 2014 by mista h
FLORIDA OR MOON Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????' |
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Posted on: 05 September 2014 by rodwsmith
Not a joke per se, but I don't think I've laughed quite so much at anything as I have at this video for years.
"Watch as people flee in terror from the giant mutant spider dog"
http://io9.com/behold-the-ador...tm_medium=socialflow
It's the music/sound that makes it...
Posted on: 05 September 2014 by Tony Lockhart
A woman in India has given birth to a 23 pound boy.
Doctors say they expect the kid to be walking 6 months before his mum.
Posted on: 05 September 2014 by mista h
A man comes home late one night, drunk.
"Where have you been?" asks his wife.
"In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!"
This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.
"Do you have golden chairs?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden glasses?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden beer?"
"Yes."
"Do you have a golden urinal?"
"Hold on."
On the other end, she hears "I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone."
Posted on: 05 September 2014 by mista h
This is one for Debs.
Posted on: 05 September 2014 by mista h
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.' The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.' |
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Posted on: 05 September 2014 by mista h
RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.' |
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Posted on: 05 September 2014 by mista h
SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!' |
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Posted on: 06 September 2014 by mista h
