Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
YUMMY....yes please
A few years ago, my wife and I moved into a retirement development on Florida’s southeast coast. We are living in the "Delray/ Boca/Boynton Golf, Spa, Bath and Tennis Club on Lake Fake-a-Hachee". There are 3,000 lakes in Florida; only three are real.
Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we going to do all day? No longer. Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem.
Our days are eaten up by simple, daily activities. Just getting out of our car takes 15 minutes. Trying to find where we parked takes 20 minutes. It takes a half-hour in the check-out line in Wal-Mart, and 1 hour to return the item the next day.
Let me take you through a typical day: We get up at 5:00 am, have a quick breakfast and join the early morning Walk-and-Fart Club. There are about 30 of us, and rain or shine, we walk around the streets, all talking at once. Every development has some late risers who stay in bed until 6:00 am. After a nimble walk, avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we go back home, shower and change for the next activity.
My wife goes directly to the pool for her underwater Pilates class, followed by gasping for breath and CPR. I put on my 'Ask me about my Grandchildren' T-shirt, my plaid mid-calf shorts, my black socks and sandals and go to the clubhouse lobby for a nice nap. Before we know it, it's time for lunch.
We go to Costco to partake of the many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hair nets. All free! After a filling lunch, if we don't have any doctor appointments, we might go to the flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a Rolex watch for $2.00.
We're usually back home by 2:00 pm to get ready for dinner. People start lining up for the early bird about 3:00 pm, but we get there by 3:45 because we're late eaters.
The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they serve. We can take home enough food for the next day's lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers, packets of mustard, relish, ketchup and Splenda, along with mints.
At 5:30 pm we're home, ready to watch the 6 o'clock news. By 6:30 pm we're fast asleep. Then we get up and make five or six trips to the bathroom during the night, and it's time to get up and start a new day all over again.
Doctor-related activities eat up most of our retirement time. I enjoy reading old magazines in sub-zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I don't mind.
Calling for test results also helps the days fly by. It takes at least a half-hour just getting through the doctor's phone menu. Then there's the hold time until we're connected to the right party. Sometimes they forget we're holding, and the whole office goes off to lunch.
Should we find we still have time on our hands, volunteering provides a rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate.
Florida has the largest concentration of seniors under five feet and they need our help. I myself am a volunteer for 'The Vertically Challenged Over 80.' I coach their basketball team, The Arthritic Avengers. The hoop is only 4-1/2 feet from the floor. You should see the look of confidence on their faces when they make a slam dunk.
Food shopping is a problem for short seniors, or 'bottom feeders' as we call them, because they can't reach the items on the upper shelves. There are many foods they've never tasted. After shopping, most seniors can't remember where they parked their cars and wander the parking lot for hours while their food defrosts.
Lastly, it's important to choose a development with an impressive name. Italian names are very popular in Florida. They convey world travelers, uppity sophistication and wealth. Where would you rather live: Murray's Condos or the Lakes of Venice? There's no difference -- they're both owned by Murray, who happens to be a cheap bastard.
I hope this material has been of help to you future retirees. If I can be of any further assistance, please look me up when you're in Florida. I live in the Leaning Condos of Pisa in Boynton Beach.
MEANING OF LIFE IN 13 WORDS �
INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED.
A rastafarian has taken over my local corner shop. I went in yesterday and he leant over the counter and whispered.
"Hey man, you wanna buy some shit?"
I looked around to make sure no one else could hear.
"Eh, sure what have you got?" I asked.
And he said,
"The Daily Mail."
Music Fact for Today: Due to their complex absurdity only a few Trombtwos were ever made .
Read to the end.
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The chap who compiled the anagrams for the crossword in our local paper has died.
May he Erect A Penis.
I like that one.
Can anyone tell me what the 2 chairs are for ??
Can anyone tell me what the 2 chairs are for ??
I've got a meeting with Gamblers Anonymous.
I wasn't going to go. But it's at twenty-five to one.
Just taken this from the `beerintheevening` website. Its a customer review of a pub(wont mention the name) in North Surrey. Must pay a visit sometime.
Good pub to visit if you want to end it all, lots of locals covered in dust who grunt at each other when a stranger walks in. Nice 70's decor and best take some antibiotics before using the gents.
Rugby players don't mess about when they're thirsty.
Can anyone tell me what the 2 chairs are for ??
S(h)itting on !
What else would you do with a chair?
An old married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he’s reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book. The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement she gets up and starts stripping in front of him. The husband is confused and asks, “Why are you taking off your clothes?” His wife replies, “You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay.” The husband says, “No, not at all.” His wife asks angrily, “Well, what the hell were you doing then?” “I was just wetting my finger so I could turn the pages.”
for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the local pharmacy and buys a
pregnancy test kit The test confirms that her daughter is pregnant.
Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the selfish bastard
that did this to you? I demand to know!"
Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half
an hour later, a Bentley stops in front of their house. A middle-aged
and very distinguished man steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the lounge with the father and mother, and tells them,
"Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her
because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will
pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."
He continues, "Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath two
retail furniture stores, a deli, a chateau in France and a £1m bank account."
He continues, "If a boy is born my legacy will be a chain of jewellery
stores and a £25m bank account."
"However, if there is a miscarriage I'm not sure what to do. What
would you suggest?"
All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's
shoulder and told him, "You'll try again."
I was playing Scrabble last night when I occidentally swallowed some of the tiles. Now I frightened to go for a shit; it could spell disaster.
My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’
That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.
My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’
That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.
I was playing Scrabble last night when I occidentally swallowed some of the tiles. Now I frightened to go for a shit; it could spell disaster.
Not going could spell constipation, which is a higher score.
I was playing Scrabble last night when I occidentally swallowed some of the tiles. Now I frightened to go for a shit; it could spell disaster.
But only if you do it on the west side of the house.
I met her online.