Not much to be said about this !!
Only in Africa:
Mildred and Harriet were having a quiet lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery in their golden years. Mildred said, “I need to be honest with you Harriet, I’m thinking about getting a boob job done.” Harriet responded, “Oh, that’s nothing Mildred. I’m thinking of having my ******* bleached!” “Whoa!” replied Mildred, "That's insane... I just can’t picture your husband George as a blonde!”
Paddy & Mick, two retired old geezers, flew to Canada for an adventure. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week of hunting moose. They managed to bag a total of 6. Loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two old timers objected strongly. "Last year we shot 6. The pilot let us take them all, and he had exactly the same plane as yours." Reluctantly the pilot gave in and all 6 were loaded. The plane took off. However while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Miraculously, surrounded by moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash. Climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick," Any idea where we are?" Mick replied, " I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
>>
>> "Dear Abby" admitted she was at a loss to answer these questions:
>>
>>
>>
>> Dear Abby,
>> A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese
>>
>> Dear Abby,
>> What can I do about all the sex, nudity, foul language and violence on my VCR?
>>
>>
>>
>> Dear Abby,
>> I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure if the baby I'm carrying is his.
>>
>>
>>
>> Dear Abby,
>> I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
>>
>> Dear Abby,
>> I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, but when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
>>
>>
>>
>> Dear Abby,
>> Our son writes that he is learning judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
>>
>>
>>
>> Dear Abby,
>> I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
>>
>>
>>
>> Dear Abby,
>> My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
>>
>> Dear Abby,
>> I was married to Bill for 3 months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
>>
>> Dear Abby,
>> My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.
>>
>>
>>
>> Dear Abby,
>> You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband has lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
>>
>>
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> ==========================================================
The Royal and Ancient Golf Club has voted in favour of allowing women members for the first time in its 260-year history.
A spokesman said, 'For years we have denied women entrance, and frankly the place now needs a bloody good hoovering'.
Only in Africa:
Another EE customer?
Great. Referendum over and it's all back to normal then.
A doctor is making his rounds in the hospital when he comes upon a guy with the worst case of sunburn he has ever seen. The poor guy is burnt raw from head to toe and is in agony. He says to the doctor, "Is there anything you can give me to ease this terrible pain?"
So the doctor says, "Yes, I'll prescribe you some Viagra".
"Viagra?" says the poor guy. "How will that help my sunburn?".
"It'll keep the sheet off most of you!"
Subject: Fwd: Why I like retirement
And I just spent half of last night looking for my keys. After calling up all the places I might have dropped it at, waking half the town in the process, I decided to go try my luck my apartment. There it was. Still stuck in the lock where it was when I locked the door.
>>>>>> Why I Like Retirement
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Question: How many days in a week?
>>>>>> Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
>>>>>> Answer: Three hours after they fall asleep in the recliner.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
>>>>>> Answer: Only one but it might take all day.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
>>>>>> Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. Very true
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Question: Why don't retirees mind being called seniors?
>>>>>> Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount. Sometimes 15%
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
>>>>>> Answer: Tied shoes.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
>>>>>> Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
>>>>>> Answer: NUTS! So true
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
>>>>>> Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
>>>>>> Answer: Normal.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
>>>>>> Answer: The never ending coffee break.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
>>>>>> Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> QUESTION: What do you do all week?
>>>>>> Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> SERENITY
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?
>>>>>>
>>>>>> '98,' she replied...
>>>>>> 'Two years older than me.'
>>>>>> 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
>>>>>> 'And what do you think is the best thing
>>>>>> about being 104?' the reporter asked.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> The nice thing about being senile is
>>>>>> you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> I've sure gotten old!
>>>>>> I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
>>>>>> new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
>>>>>> I'm half blind,
>>>>>> can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
>>>>>> take 40 different medications that
>>>>>> make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
>>>>>> blackouts.
>>>>>> Have bouts with dementia.
>>>>>> Have poor circulation;
>>>>>> hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
>>>>>> Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
>>>>>> Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
>>>>>> I still have my driver's license.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
>>>>>> so I got my doctor's permission to
>>>>>> join a fitness club and start exercising.
>>>>>> I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
>>>>>> I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
>>>>>> by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
>>>>>> told her preacher she had two final requests.
>>>>>> First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
>>>>>> she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
>>>>>> 'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
>>>>>> 'Why Wal-Mart?'
>>>>>> 'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
>>>>>> Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Know how to prevent sagging?
>>>>>> Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> It's scary when you start making the same noises
>>>>>> as your coffee maker.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> These days about half the stuff
>>>>>> in my shopping cart says,
>>>>>> 'For fast relief.'
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> THE SENILITY PRAYER:
>>>>>> Grant me the senility to forget the people
>>>>>> I never liked anyway,
>>>>>> the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
>>>>>> the eyesight to tell the difference.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Always Remember This:
>>>>>> You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
>>>>>> You grow old because you stop laughing.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>
>>
Pirate go's to the doctors and say's to him ' can you have a look at my moles'
Doctor say's ' don't worry there benign '
Pirate say's ' no look again there be 10 '
Pirate goes to the doctor and says to him "Can you have a look at my moles?"
Doctor says "Don't worry they're benign '
Pirate says "No look again - there be ten"
P. Dant
The only thing that seems to have changed as a result of this Scottish referendum is that Andy Murray is about as welcome in the rest of the UK as a bacon sandwich at a Bar Mitzvah.
Turns out it's too late to exchange my blues record for an electronica one: Tom Waits for Numan.
Me and my mates were busy robbing this CD store when the cops turned up.
How trees are made.
I'm sure there is a degree of Photoshop editing here but they are amusing.
Saves splashing out on a news paper !!
Are all the Moaners still on holiday ?
I've never worn beer goggles, though I have occasionally worn rosé-tinted spectacles .
The thing I don't understand about dog grooming is how they get dogs to even use chat rooms in the first pace.
on todays news a young lady(27) in China does £150.000.00 worth of damage in her new Porsche. She only managed to drive it 50yards before getting the Brake & Throttle pedal mixed up(as one does).
on todays news a young lady(27) in China does £150.000.00 worth of damage in her new Porsche. She only managed to drive it 50yards before getting the Brake & Throttle pedal mixed up(as one does).
Intrigued by the plastic wheel cover lying under the broken bumper. Is that all that was left of the vehicle she hit?
The new Naim app.
Sorry, once I got the idea in my head, I just couldn't resist it. It's only a joke!