Best Jokes (continues)

Two English lesbians moved in next door to Tam in Glasgow. They got to know each other well, so much so that one December day one the the lesbians asked Tam what he wanted for Christmas. He'd had a couple Buckfast's for breakfast so he replied, "A wee watch if yae dinna mind".



They got him a Casio.

quote:

Originally posted by Reginald Halliday:

LOL LO LOL

I met a 14 year old girl on the Internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.

She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!

An elderly man gets home and is astonished to see his eighty year old wife naked and doing a handstand against the wall.

"What are doing?" he stammers.
She replies, "I know you can't get it up anymore, so I thought maybe you could drop it in."

Rich

Due to recent cut-backs in spending the BBC has been forced to think of new programme series that are based entirely on the quality of their titles.

On such has been proposed for a "grumpy old men's travel programme."

It will be called:

"Cross Incontinents."

ATB from George

I just heard on the news that gangs are now using dogs instead of knives.I tried this and my toast was very hairy.

Tony

One of the funniest lines I ever heard was by the american comedian Steve Wright. It sounds even better in his deep laconic drawl.
"If you make instant coffee in a microwave do you go back in time?"
Classic.

Regards,
Steve.

Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez.It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after.

Tony

What's the difference between Poland and my pencil case?My pencil case has a ruler.

Tony

My wife called me an annoying git the other day.
I almost choked on my vuvuzela.

Tony

quote:

Originally posted by Tony Lockhart:
What's the difference between Poland and my pencil case?My pencil case has a ruler.

Hmmm. ... They seem to be managing democracy quite well though. The recent air crash catastrophe at Katin would have led to much more difficulty in many countries - even some long established democracies, I suspect.

ATB from George

quote:

Originally posted by Tony Lockhart:
My wife called me an annoying git the other day.
I almost choked on my vuvuzela.

Tony

Now that made me chuckle

My best mate is entering the X-Factor this year and I wanted to give him all the help and support I can. So I killed his mum.

Tony

England are replacing the 3 Lions on their football shirts with 3 tampons as they are going through a really bad period.

Why did the chicken cross the road?



It didn't according to FIFA!

England FC.

Under David Cameron's strict new immigration policy, when the England team arrive at Heathrow tomorrow, they will become the first white men in history to be told to fuck off back to Africa.

David Blaine is said to be gutted as his record for doing nothing in a box for 42 days has been broken by Wayne Rooney.

Don, that joke used to be cracked about Heskey. Sad, for England, that it now works for Shrek!

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from.Then it dawned on me.

Tony

quote:

Originally posted by graham55:
Don, that joke used to be cracked about Heskey. Sad, for England, that it now works for Shrek!

Graham, the real joke is that Hesky was brought on when we needed to score 3 goals.

quote:

Originally posted by Don Hooper:

quote:

Originally posted by graham55:
Don, that joke used to be cracked about Heskey. Sad, for England, that it now works for Shrek!

Graham, the real joke is that Hesky was brought on when we needed to score 3 goals.

Spot on! Apparently he hasn't scored for Villa since Feb, so how the hell was he going to score 3 against the Germans.

England have just announced flood warning alerts as 5 million Scots piss themselves laughing

In the jungle, the South African jungle, 3 lions sleep tonight ....
....coz in the morning, the early morning,
they have to catch a flight.
No win away no win away no win away no win away