Best Jokes (continues)

I hope I haven't posted this before, told by comedienne Ellie Lane.

'What's the similarity between tits and train sets?

They're both meant for kids, but it's always the dads who end up playing with them.'

From an old road sign on the A1 North of Newcastle . .

Sign one . . . "Jesus Saves"

A little further up the road, sign two . . . "But Gascoigne scores on the rebound"

I was told that if I employed Moses and Mohammed to perform acrobatics, it would help my business. But so far, I've only seen prophets tumbling.

Tony

Due to a water shortage in ireland the dublin swimming baths have announced they will be closing lanes 5 & 6 until further notice.

I paid four grand for the wife to have a boob job........ She was thrilled!

I paid three grand for her to have a nose job.......... She was delighted!

I treat myself to a £30 blow job at the local brothel......... And she does her bloody nut!!

Tony

Bad news from the Middle East.
Etchasketchistan has been wiped out by a massive earthquake...

A group of 40-year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the waiters there were good looking and had buff bodies.

Ten years later, at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the food there was very good and it had an excellent wine selection.

Ten years later, when they were all 60, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. They agreed that they would meet again at the Ocean View Restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

Ten years later the group, all 70 years of age, once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because
the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator.

Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because
they had never been there before.

What's big, Scottish and depressing?

Scotland.


Tony

Teacher to class:
"What does you're daddy do ?"

Boy puts his hand up and answers:
"At the weekends my Daddy works as a dancer in a gay bar and afterwards, if the price is right, he takes a pounding from behind and lets other men come in his mouth..."

Taken aback at the little boy's answer, the teacher takes him outside and asks:
"Is that all true ?"

The boy answers:
"No, of course not. My Daddy is the goalkeeper* with the England team but I was too embarrassed to say..!"



* This was doing the rounds after match 1. You could of course, now, substitute the word Goalkeeper with Striker...!

The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Oludare Umboto, aged 6."

Two English lesbians moved in next door to Tam in Glasgow. They got to know each other well, so much so that one December day one the the lesbians asked Tam what he wanted for Christmas. He'd had a couple Buckfast's for breakfast so he replied, "A wee watch if yae dinna mind".



They got him a Casio.

quote:

Originally posted by Reginald Halliday:

LOL LO LOL

I met a 14 year old girl on the Internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.

She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!

An elderly man gets home and is astonished to see his eighty year old wife naked and doing a handstand against the wall.

"What are doing?" he stammers.
She replies, "I know you can't get it up anymore, so I thought maybe you could drop it in."

Rich

Due to recent cut-backs in spending the BBC has been forced to think of new programme series that are based entirely on the quality of their titles.

On such has been proposed for a "grumpy old men's travel programme."

It will be called:

"Cross Incontinents."

ATB from George

I just heard on the news that gangs are now using dogs instead of knives.I tried this and my toast was very hairy.

Tony

One of the funniest lines I ever heard was by the american comedian Steve Wright. It sounds even better in his deep laconic drawl.
"If you make instant coffee in a microwave do you go back in time?"
Classic.

Regards,
Steve.

Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez.It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after.

Tony

What's the difference between Poland and my pencil case?My pencil case has a ruler.

Tony

My wife called me an annoying git the other day.
I almost choked on my vuvuzela.

Tony

quote:

Originally posted by Tony Lockhart:
What's the difference between Poland and my pencil case?My pencil case has a ruler.

Hmmm. ... They seem to be managing democracy quite well though. The recent air crash catastrophe at Katin would have led to much more difficulty in many countries - even some long established democracies, I suspect.

ATB from George

quote:

Originally posted by Tony Lockhart:
My wife called me an annoying git the other day.
I almost choked on my vuvuzela.

Tony

Now that made me chuckle

My best mate is entering the X-Factor this year and I wanted to give him all the help and support I can. So I killed his mum.

Tony

England are replacing the 3 Lions on their football shirts with 3 tampons as they are going through a really bad period.