Best Jokes (continues)

It's beyond a joke apparently.

Pop Fact for Today:-

Bob Marley always polished his boots in isolation during his time in the army.

He was the buff alone soldier .

Went to the zoo yesterday. Strangely, next to the Lions, there was an enclosure empty except for a piece of toast.

......turns out it was Bread in captivity.

Riots in Birmingham last month caused over £1 million worth of improvements.

When I was a lad, my mum would send me down to the corner shop with 2/6d & I'd come back with 5 potatoes, six eggs, a chunk of cheese, a box of tea and a loaf of bread. You can't do that now. Too many security cameras.

My wife caught me switching the TV between a fishing show and a good porn movie this morning. She came over to me and said "Honey, you might as well just watch that old porn movie. You already know how to fish."

Now i know why supermarket trolleys go missing !!   Will they return it later ?

Sorry if i have already posted this previous.....................Mista h

A 'City Girl' named Sue marries a Texas rancher.

Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, "How dare you call me a slapper. Get out of my bed right now and take your mates with you!

The human body has 7 trillion nerves. My husband manages to get on every bloody one of them!

Really enjoyed that one, MistaH  

A picture fir Debs

Cheers MDS

Have several more,but none would get thru moderation. I think Richard is due a holiday !! a nice 4 week cruise would do him the world of good then i could post more.

Mista H

10 Science Jokes for Nerds

How Many Will You Get?

1. I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

2. I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.

3. Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers.

4. Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.

5. Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell.

6. A group of protesters in front of a physics lab:
“What do we want?”.
“Time travel”
“When do we want it?”.
“Irrelevant.”

7. What does a subatomic duck say? Quark!

8. A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. Bartender replies “For you, no charge”.

9. Two atoms are walking along. One of them says:
“Oh, no, I think I lost an electron.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m positive.”

10. An optimist sees a glass half full. A pessimist sees it half empty. An engineer sees it twice as large as it needs to be.

Some more of mista h item 10

The optimist says the glass is half full.

The pessimist says the glass is half empty.

The marketing manager says its design sensation once they find the right market niche.

The project manager says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

The design engineer says it failed to meet its design intent.

The value engineer says the glass is over-designed for the quantity of water.

The consultant says let's examine the question & prepare a strategy for an answer.

The entrepreneur sees the glass as undervalued by half its potential.

The scientist says a guess based on a visual cue is inaccurate, so mark the glass at the bottom of the meniscus of the content, pour the content into a bigger glass; fill the empty glass with fresh content up to the mark; add the original content back in; if the combined content overflows the lip, the glass was more than half full; if it doesn't reach the top, the glass was more than half empty; if it neither overflows nor fails to reach the top then it was either half-full or half-empty. Now what was the question again?

The physicist says that the glass is not empty at all - it is half-filled with water and half-filled with air – therefore it is fully filled. 

An old blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go. "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "Well, I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground", he answered. "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered, "Oh that? The dog's leash goes slack!"

An elderly couple were enjoying the evening by swinging on the front porch and looking at the beautiful sunset. After a few minutes the ol' lady reaches over and knocks the hell out of the ol' man who goes flying off the porch and into the bushes. The ol' man slowly gets up and makes his way back to his seat next to his wife on the swing. He sits there for a few minutes and then asks, "What was that for Ma?" She replies: "That's for having such a small dick!" A few more minutes go by and the ol' man reaches over and knocks the hell out of his wife, who also goes flying off the porch and into the bushes. She slowly gets up and makes her way back to her seat next to Pa. She sits here a few minutes and then asks, "What was that for Pa?" He replies: "That's for knowing there was more than one size.

May have already posted this one,if i have........................SORRY