Best Jokes (continues)

Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007

http://forums.naim-audio.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/58019385/m/4391984906
Posted on: 04 November 2014 by jjbomber
Originally Posted by Big Bill:
Originally Posted by TOBYJUG:

Little red riding hood is walking through the forest when she comes across a little man hunched over sitting on a tree stump.

"Hello are you a goblin" she said . he replied - "No it's just the way I like to sit"

 

Don't normally use that word for the said sex act any more these days - takes me back a bit!

Like most men, I haven't heard that word since my wedding day!!!!

Posted on: 04 November 2014 by BigH47

 

Best contraceptive?   Wedding cake.

Posted on: 04 November 2014 by joerand

I'm trying to picture how that would work

Posted on: 05 November 2014 by Big Bill
Originally Posted by joerand:

I'm trying to picture how that would work

Believe me it does work!

Posted on: 05 November 2014 by tonym

'Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective'.

 'You're still f***ing late' replied my boss.

Posted on: 05 November 2014 by Kevin-W
Originally Posted by Nagual:

David Hasslehoff walks into a bar. The barman shouts over, "Hey you're David Hasslehoff!"

David replies, "Yeah I sure am, but I prefer to be called The Hoff."

The barman says, "Sure, no hassle."

My word, that's good. Damned good.

Posted on: 05 November 2014 by BigH47

When is Girl Fawkes night?

Posted on: 07 November 2014 by Tony Lockhart
Posted on: 07 November 2014 by Big Bill

That picture of the cow and the horse really tickles me.

Posted on: 07 November 2014 by GraemeH
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:

The consequences of closing the farm gate before the horse has bolted...

 

G

Posted on: 07 November 2014 by Tony Lockhart
"Have you had a shower today?" I asked my wife. "I can smell you from here."

Then she hung up on me.
Posted on: 07 November 2014 by tonym

A linguistics professor was giving a lecture to his class:

"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative..."
"But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

Then a voice from the back of the room piped up and said: "Yeah, right!"

Posted on: 07 November 2014 by Tony Lockhart
RAF Lossiemouth stache says "An accident" lol.

Posted on: 08 November 2014 by MDS
Originally Posted by tonym:

A linguistics professor was giving a lecture to his class:

"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative..."
"But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

Then a voice from the back of the room piped up and said: "Yeah, right!"

I like that one.  Right as well as funny. 

Posted on: 08 November 2014 by Clive B
Originally Posted by jjbomber:
Originally Posted by Big Bill:
Originally Posted by TOBYJUG:

Little red riding hood is walking through the forest when she comes across a little man hunched over sitting on a tree stump.

"Hello are you a goblin" she said . he replied - "No it's just the way I like to sit"

 

Don't normally use that word for the said sex act any more these days - takes me back a bit!

Like most men, I haven't heard that word since my wedding day!!!!

That reminds me of a hotel I stayed in in Kings Lynn. The receptionist said that there was a Goblin Teasmade in every room. I had to ask her to repeat as I thought I'd misheard. 

Posted on: 08 November 2014 by Tony Lockhart
I went to Graham's Hut outside RAF Marham in the 80s with my mate after a skinful. This guy did all sorts of drinker friendly late night food, and supplemented Graham's hairdressers' business income.

In we walked, and asked the young girl serving for two extra large pizzas with garlic bread etc.

"Ok" said the girl, "You'll have to wait, as Graham's out the back boning a chicken."

I think we both passed a little bit of wee.......
Posted on: 08 November 2014 by Tony Lockhart
We used to have 4 different remote controls.

Then we bought a Universal Remote.

Now we have 5 different remote controls.
Posted on: 08 November 2014 by Steve J

So very true Tony. 

Posted on: 08 November 2014 by Tony Lockhart
Midgets understand everyone.
Posted on: 09 November 2014 by Tony Lockhart
Apparently the Guardian newspaper is going to hire Pippa Middleton as their Style correspondent.

Which just goes to show you that if you work hard and get a top Journalism Degree, you'll lose your dream job to a woman whose sister married a bloody prince.
Posted on: 09 November 2014 by Chris Dolan

........ but didn't she start off at the bottom?

Posted on: 09 November 2014 by Big Bill
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
I went to Graham's Hut outside RAF Marham in the 80s with my mate after a skinful. This guy did all sorts of drinker friendly late night food, and supplemented Graham's hairdressers' business income.

In we walked, and asked the young girl serving for two extra large pizzas with garlic bread etc.

"Ok" said the girl, "You'll have to wait, as Graham's out the back boning a chicken."

I think we both passed a little bit of wee.......

Have you never been desperate then Tony....Oh yes see what you mean, ignore my last statement.

 

What is that old Persian line:  Women for duty, young boys for pleasure but a Melon for Ecstasy.  btw it doesn't say what type; Ogen, Water etc.

Posted on: 09 November 2014 by Tony Lockhart
Or a latex thing from Ann Summers
Posted on: 09 November 2014 by Tony Lockhart
Crack
Posted on: 09 November 2014 by Christopher_M

Heir apparent? Oh no, that's her brother-in-law.

 

C.