Best Jokes (continues)

Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007

http://forums.naim-audio.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/58019385/m/4391984906
Posted on: 09 November 2014 by dayjay
Originally Posted by Char Wallah:

I'd snort it from there as long as there were no hairs around it.

Lol!

Posted on: 09 November 2014 by tonym
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
We used to have 4 different remote controls.

Then we bought a Universal Remote.

Now we have 5 different remote controls.

The collective noun for remotes - a confusion.

Posted on: 10 November 2014 by Tony Lockhart
Iceland are selling whole lobster for £5.

Which is cheap when you see how much it costs to inject horsemeat into an exoskeleton.
Posted on: 10 November 2014 by BigH47

It’s hard to believe that after all these years of competitions we still haven't decided which is the best wet T-shirt.

Posted on: 11 November 2014 by Big Bill
Originally Posted by BigH47:

It’s hard to believe that after all these years of competitions we still haven't decided which is the best wet T-shirt.

...and long may the competition go on!

Posted on: 11 November 2014 by JamieWednesday

It's a good job that terrible innuendo is not an offence. I'd be going down.

Posted on: 11 November 2014 by Kevin-W
Originally Posted by JamieWednesday:

It's a good job that terrible innuendo is not an offence. I'd be going down.

Posted on: 11 November 2014 by Tony Lockhart
"On a scale of 1-10 how.."

"10!"

"..Impatient are you?"
Posted on: 11 November 2014 by Stevee_S
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
"On a scale of 1-10 how.."

"10!"

"..Impatient are you?"

I wonder if that is the same person who rang up the medical help line complaining of premature ejac... 

Posted on: 11 November 2014 by Tony Lockhart
I've got a new job as a triangle player in a reggae band...



I just stand at the back and ting.
Posted on: 11 November 2014 by Sniper

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. 
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders. The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle." 
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with." 

Posted on: 12 November 2014 by Tony Lockhart
My wife left me for the bin man.

I've been sitting outside the house for 4 days now.
Posted on: 13 November 2014 by Sniper

Proof - there is no God 

 

http://www.independent.co.uk/n...-flight-9857895.html

Posted on: 13 November 2014 by Stevee_S

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone,so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. 


Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. John's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover. To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet surprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two highly coveted awards by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

So vote carefully in the next election. The bells are not always audible!!

Posted on: 13 November 2014 by tonym

Posted on: 14 November 2014 by Tony Lockhart
Why did Kim Kardashian cross the road?



So Heat Magazine could write a 10 page article.
Posted on: 16 November 2014 by Tony Lockhart
My girlfriend said she thinks I am an alcoholic which shocked me.




I had no idea she could think.
Posted on: 16 November 2014 by Tony Lockhart
Africans who suffer from deadly diseases should be made to wear headgear that would distinguish themselves from anyone else.

For instance, a black gentleman in London wearing Ebola hat.
Posted on: 17 November 2014 by BigH47

Breaking News....The inventor of predictive text has died.

 

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

Posted on: 18 November 2014 by tonym

I had a long discussion with some fellow writers recently about the past, present and future. It was a tense debate.

 

 
Posted on: 18 November 2014 by Big Bill
Originally Posted by tonym:

I had a long discussion with some fellow writers recently about the past, present and future. It was a tense debate.

 

 

Oh dear!

 

Actually I liked it but please don't tell anyone.

Posted on: 18 November 2014 by Conortsun

BREAKING NEWS! After detecting organic matter on Comet 67P, the Philae lander has also found Tesco Value matter at the cheaper end of the landing site

Posted on: 18 November 2014 by BigH47
Originally Posted by tonym:

I had a long discussion with some fellow writers recently about the past, present and future. It was a tense debate.

 

 

I'll borrow that if you don't mind Tony.

Posted on: 19 November 2014 by tonym

Yesterday I saw a dishevelled old hairy tramp recycling putrefying rubbish, swearing at strangers and begging for money after his family spent all his on heroin.

I just thought; No, Bob Geldof, I'm not buying your shite record this time.

 
 
Posted on: 19 November 2014 by Big Bill
Originally Posted by tonym:

Yesterday I saw a dishevelled old hairy tramp recycling putrefying rubbish, swearing at strangers and begging for money after his family spent all his on heroin.

I just thought; No, Bob Geldof, I'm not buying your shite record this time.

 
 

Ah, Ah.  So you admit you bought them the first time!  Mucho Embarassmento as the Germans say!