Best Jokes (continues)

Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007

http://forums.naim-audio.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/58019385/m/4391984906
Posted on: 24 November 2014 by Big Bill

Jim it's Chamber Music, but now how we know it!

Posted on: 24 November 2014 by Tony Lockhart
Originally Posted by Big Bill:

       
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
I still don't get how when I ask a random man what kind of underwear he wears he'll either tell me boxers or briefs.

But if I ask a random woman what kind of knickers she's wearing I get a slap across the face

..from my wife.

Tony that is odd, 'cos when I asked your missus what knickers she had on she just gave me a smile.

 

Only kidding.


       


That's the expression she gives whilst wetting herself. You're not special.    
Posted on: 25 November 2014 by Big Bill
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
Originally Posted by Big Bill:

       
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
I still don't get how when I ask a random man what kind of underwear he wears he'll either tell me boxers or briefs.

But if I ask a random woman what kind of knickers she's wearing I get a slap across the face

..from my wife.

Tony that is odd, 'cos when I asked your missus what knickers she had on she just gave me a smile.

 

Only kidding.


       


That's the expression she gives whilst wetting herself. You're not special.    

No I did notice what she was doing in said knickers, I just didn't want to mention it publicly.

Posted on: 25 November 2014 by BigH47

Posted on: 26 November 2014 by Tony Lockhart
I saw a passed out drunk guy at the nudist camp.

So I drew a face on his willy.
Posted on: 27 November 2014 by Sniper

 

 

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 
'Because he's a ****ing Liar. He's never been out of the yard'

Posted on: 27 November 2014 by Reginald Halliday

A lot of people say  I'm egocentric.

But enough about them.

Posted on: 28 November 2014 by Reginald Halliday
Apparently the Christian God is the most caring of all the gods.

I can't believe it's not Buddha.
Posted on: 28 November 2014 by tonym

Keep 'em coming Reginald! 

Posted on: 28 November 2014 by Big Bill
Originally Posted by tonym:

Keep 'em coming Reginald! 

They are good aren't they TonyM?

 

What did you think of my girls in my post above, not a joke I know but what a performance.

Posted on: 28 November 2014 by Kevin-W

Gotta agree. The standard of jokes in this thread is generally pretty high, but Reg's are of absolute top-drawer quality.

Posted on: 28 November 2014 by Reginald Halliday

As you've been so nice..

 

"Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I'm covered in?" she said, croquettishly.

 

Sky TV are opening a chip shop in my High Street. Believe in batter.

 

 

 The choirmaster, on hearing a particularly sacchariny Christmas piece: "I can't believe it's not Rutter!"

Posted on: 29 November 2014 by Salmon Dave
Originally Posted by Reginald Halliday:

 

 The choirmaster, on hearing a particularly sacchariny Christmas piece: "I can't believe it's not Rutter!"

...which has been remarked with regularity in the choirs I've sung with.

I think Rutter's staging a bit of a comeback - at least some of his stuff's not that gooey. But most of it is.

Posted on: 29 November 2014 by Big Bill
Originally Posted by Salmon Dave:
Originally Posted by Reginald Halliday:

 

 The choirmaster, on hearing a particularly sacchariny Christmas piece: "I can't believe it's not Rutter!"

...which has been remarked with regularity in the choirs I've sung with.

I think Rutter's staging a bit of a comeback - at least some of his stuff's not that gooey. But most of it is.

Good post Salmon Dave but not as funny as Reg's!

Posted on: 29 November 2014 by Tony Lockhart
Met a guy named Ant last night.I just figured it was short for Anthony.
Turns out he picks up woman 10 times his own bodyweight.
Posted on: 29 November 2014 by jjbomber
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
Met a guy named Ant last night.I just figured it was short for Anthony.
Turns out he picks up woman 10 times his own bodyweight.

Then Ant dropped them on the Dec.

Posted on: 29 November 2014 by Reginald Halliday

Whats the best name for a broad-beamed boat?

Buoyancé.

 

I lost my job in the perfume warehouse. I was scent packing.

 

 

"I've just pebbledashed my Transit", said Tom, vanishingly.

Posted on: 29 November 2014 by Tony2011

I bet MDS must be gutted!

Posted on: 29 November 2014 by MDS
Originally Posted by Tony2011:

I bet MDS must be gutted!

Well, Tony. If this is a reference to the result (sic) at Tranmere this afternoon, you're right.  

Posted on: 29 November 2014 by Tony2011
Originally Posted by MDS:
Originally Posted by Tony2011:

I bet MDS must be gutted!

Well, Tony. If this is a reference to the result (sic) at Tranmere this afternoon, you're right.  

LOL.. Considering I know sweet FA( no pun intended!) about football. 

Best

Tony

Posted on: 30 November 2014 by Kevin-W
Originally Posted by Reginald Halliday:

Whats the best name for a broad-beamed boat?

Buoyancé.

 

I lost my job in the perfume warehouse. I was scent packing.

 

 

"I've just pebbledashed my Transit", said Tom, vanishingly.

Just. Awesome.

Posted on: 01 December 2014 by Big Bill

A mate of mine recently got a new housekeeper from Eastern Europe but it took her 11 hours to vacuum his living room!   The he found out she was a Slovak!

Posted on: 02 December 2014 by tonym

I won a competition the other day, the prize was for Heston Blumenthal to cook a curry in my house using only the ingredients I had at home.

It was amazing, we had a fantastic Vietnamese coconut curry with lime and coriander foam, mint and teatree jelly, cocoa shea butter sabayon, finished with frozen lemon and ginseng tea.

The following morning the wife said that she couldn’t find any of her toiletries and the dog was missing.

Posted on: 02 December 2014 by Tony Lockhart
As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection.

"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.
Posted on: 02 December 2014 by tonym

On a beautiful summer's day, two American tourists were driving 

through Wales. 

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch,

they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress, 

“Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. 

Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, slowly?” 

The girl leaned over and said................“Burrrr Gurrrrr King."