Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Posted on: 28 June 2010 by Blueknowz
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It didn't according to FIFA!
It didn't according to FIFA!
Posted on: 28 June 2010 by mongo
England FC.
Posted on: 28 June 2010 by Tony Lockhart
Under David Cameron's strict new immigration policy, when the England team arrive at Heathrow tomorrow, they will become the first white men in history to be told to fuck off back to Africa.
Posted on: 28 June 2010 by Don Hooper
David Blaine is said to be gutted as his record for doing nothing in a box for 42 days has been broken by Wayne Rooney.
Posted on: 28 June 2010 by graham55
Don, that joke used to be cracked about Heskey. Sad, for England, that it now works for Shrek!
Posted on: 28 June 2010 by Tony Lockhart
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from.Then it dawned on me.
Tony
Tony
Posted on: 29 June 2010 by Don Hooper
quote:Originally posted by graham55:
Don, that joke used to be cracked about Heskey. Sad, for England, that it now works for Shrek!
Graham, the real joke is that Hesky was brought on when we needed to score 3 goals.
Posted on: 29 June 2010 by Gary S.
quote:Originally posted by Don Hooper:quote:Originally posted by graham55:
Don, that joke used to be cracked about Heskey. Sad, for England, that it now works for Shrek!
Graham, the real joke is that Hesky was brought on when we needed to score 3 goals.
Spot on! Apparently he hasn't scored for Villa since Feb, so how the hell was he going to score 3 against the Germans.
Posted on: 29 June 2010 by PJT
England have just announced flood warning alerts as 5 million Scots piss themselves laughing
Posted on: 29 June 2010 by PJT
In the jungle, the South African jungle, 3 lions sleep tonight ....
....coz in the morning, the early morning,
they have to catch a flight.
No win away no win away no win away no win away
....coz in the morning, the early morning,
they have to catch a flight.
No win away no win away no win away no win away
Posted on: 30 June 2010 by Sniper
Whats the difference between Cinderella and the England football team?
Cinderella wanted to get to the ball
Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still
alive. He said that the England Team performance on Saturday was completely
shit. British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the
message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.
Robert Green - The only man to leave Africa with out catching anything .
In a statement from broadcasting house, all future England games will now
be shown on the gay porn channel. It is thought that 11 assholes being
regularly shafted is too explicit for regular TV.
I can't believe we only managed a draw against a shit team we should easily
have beaten......I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian.
The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning,
"its so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly
struggling, and facing the impossible" said Jamal Omboto, aged 6.
Fifa have released a statement saying the fan didn't break into the
dressing room after all, but was let in by Rob Green.
What's the difference between Rob Green's spill and BP's spill?
- Robert Green has got a cap for his.
Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car
park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He
stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" To which the old lady replied,
"No way. You got yourself into this fucking mess, don't ask me to sort it
out..."
The FA have launched an inquiry to find out how a fan found his way into
the dressing room. And another enquiry into how Aaron Lennon found his way
into the dressing room.
Cinderella wanted to get to the ball
Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still
alive. He said that the England Team performance on Saturday was completely
shit. British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the
message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.
Robert Green - The only man to leave Africa with out catching anything .
In a statement from broadcasting house, all future England games will now
be shown on the gay porn channel. It is thought that 11 assholes being
regularly shafted is too explicit for regular TV.
I can't believe we only managed a draw against a shit team we should easily
have beaten......I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian.
The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning,
"its so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly
struggling, and facing the impossible" said Jamal Omboto, aged 6.
Fifa have released a statement saying the fan didn't break into the
dressing room after all, but was let in by Rob Green.
What's the difference between Rob Green's spill and BP's spill?
- Robert Green has got a cap for his.
Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car
park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He
stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" To which the old lady replied,
"No way. You got yourself into this fucking mess, don't ask me to sort it
out..."
The FA have launched an inquiry to find out how a fan found his way into
the dressing room. And another enquiry into how Aaron Lennon found his way
into the dressing room.
Posted on: 30 June 2010 by Tony Lockhart
One time, I did it doggy style for half an hour!...or four minutes human time
Tony
Tony
Posted on: 02 July 2010 by Tony Lockhart
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb?To get to the other side.
Tony
Tony
Posted on: 05 July 2010 by Reginald Halliday
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
"If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."
"If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."
Posted on: 09 July 2010 by Tony Lockhart
Like most people my age,
I'm 46.
Tony
I'm 46.
Tony
Posted on: 10 July 2010 by Voltaire
News just in - England FC have just signed three new sponsorship deals...
Posted on: 12 July 2010 by James L
A mate of mine said to me the other day he was having sex with twins.
I said that would be a good buzz but how does he tell them apart..
He said "Sheila has big tits and Trevor has a big cock".
I said that would be a good buzz but how does he tell them apart..
He said "Sheila has big tits and Trevor has a big cock".
Posted on: 12 July 2010 by PJT
quote:Originally posted by Voltaire:
News just in - England FC have just signed three new sponsorship deals...
Now you just need to change the Coat of Arms...
Posted on: 12 July 2010 by nap-ster
quote:Originally posted by PJT:quote:Originally posted by Voltaire:
News just in - England FC have just signed three new sponsorship deals...
Now you just need to change the Coat of Arms...
That shirt design is from last season. You'd of thought that Capello might have taken the hint.
Posted on: 13 July 2010 by Onthlam
A friend calls me in a frantic state-
Whats wrong?! I blew a speaker! A what? A speaker! So? Just get it replaced.
Was it a woofer,a tweeter?
It was motivational.
Whats wrong?! I blew a speaker! A what? A speaker! So? Just get it replaced.
Was it a woofer,a tweeter?
It was motivational.
Posted on: 19 July 2010 by tonym
What happens when you kiss a canary?
You get chirpes; it can't be tweeted because it's a canarial disease.
You get chirpes; it can't be tweeted because it's a canarial disease.
Posted on: 19 July 2010 by BigH47
Cheep shot Tony.
Posted on: 19 July 2010 by Stephen Tate
Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?
Tequila! Tequila! Tequila!
Tequila! Tequila! Tequila!
Posted on: 25 July 2010 by PJT
Twelve priests were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful,
big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when
she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final
priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the
ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came
to rest. He bent over to pick it up...
and all the other bells started to ring!
The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful,
big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when
she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final
priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the
ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came
to rest. He bent over to pick it up...
and all the other bells started to ring!
Posted on: 25 July 2010 by PJT
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a
moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher
realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
“Janie, do you have a story to share?'
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.
She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi
troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."
Get their parents to tell them a story with a
moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher
realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
“Janie, do you have a story to share?'
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.
She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi
troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."