Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Posted on: 30 June 2010 by Sniper
Whats the difference between Cinderella and the England football team?
Cinderella wanted to get to the ball
Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still
alive. He said that the England Team performance on Saturday was completely
shit. British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the
message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.
Robert Green - The only man to leave Africa with out catching anything .
In a statement from broadcasting house, all future England games will now
be shown on the gay porn channel. It is thought that 11 assholes being
regularly shafted is too explicit for regular TV.
I can't believe we only managed a draw against a shit team we should easily
have beaten......I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian.
The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning,
"its so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly
struggling, and facing the impossible" said Jamal Omboto, aged 6.
Fifa have released a statement saying the fan didn't break into the
dressing room after all, but was let in by Rob Green.
What's the difference between Rob Green's spill and BP's spill?
- Robert Green has got a cap for his.
Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car
park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He
stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" To which the old lady replied,
"No way. You got yourself into this fucking mess, don't ask me to sort it
out..."
The FA have launched an inquiry to find out how a fan found his way into
the dressing room. And another enquiry into how Aaron Lennon found his way
into the dressing room.
Cinderella wanted to get to the ball
Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still
alive. He said that the England Team performance on Saturday was completely
shit. British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the
message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.
Robert Green - The only man to leave Africa with out catching anything .
In a statement from broadcasting house, all future England games will now
be shown on the gay porn channel. It is thought that 11 assholes being
regularly shafted is too explicit for regular TV.
I can't believe we only managed a draw against a shit team we should easily
have beaten......I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian.
The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning,
"its so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly
struggling, and facing the impossible" said Jamal Omboto, aged 6.
Fifa have released a statement saying the fan didn't break into the
dressing room after all, but was let in by Rob Green.
What's the difference between Rob Green's spill and BP's spill?
- Robert Green has got a cap for his.
Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car
park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He
stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" To which the old lady replied,
"No way. You got yourself into this fucking mess, don't ask me to sort it
out..."
The FA have launched an inquiry to find out how a fan found his way into
the dressing room. And another enquiry into how Aaron Lennon found his way
into the dressing room.
Posted on: 30 June 2010 by Tony Lockhart
One time, I did it doggy style for half an hour!...or four minutes human time
Tony
Tony
Posted on: 02 July 2010 by Tony Lockhart
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb?To get to the other side.
Tony
Tony
Posted on: 05 July 2010 by Reginald Halliday
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
"If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."
"If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."
Posted on: 09 July 2010 by Tony Lockhart
Like most people my age,
I'm 46.
Tony
I'm 46.
Tony
Posted on: 10 July 2010 by Voltaire
News just in - England FC have just signed three new sponsorship deals...
Posted on: 12 July 2010 by James L
A mate of mine said to me the other day he was having sex with twins.
I said that would be a good buzz but how does he tell them apart..
He said "Sheila has big tits and Trevor has a big cock".
I said that would be a good buzz but how does he tell them apart..
He said "Sheila has big tits and Trevor has a big cock".
Posted on: 12 July 2010 by PJT
quote:Originally posted by Voltaire:
News just in - England FC have just signed three new sponsorship deals...
Now you just need to change the Coat of Arms...
Posted on: 12 July 2010 by nap-ster
quote:Originally posted by PJT:quote:Originally posted by Voltaire:
News just in - England FC have just signed three new sponsorship deals...
Now you just need to change the Coat of Arms...
That shirt design is from last season. You'd of thought that Capello might have taken the hint.
Posted on: 13 July 2010 by Onthlam
A friend calls me in a frantic state-
Whats wrong?! I blew a speaker! A what? A speaker! So? Just get it replaced.
Was it a woofer,a tweeter?
It was motivational.
Whats wrong?! I blew a speaker! A what? A speaker! So? Just get it replaced.
Was it a woofer,a tweeter?
It was motivational.
Posted on: 19 July 2010 by tonym
What happens when you kiss a canary?
You get chirpes; it can't be tweeted because it's a canarial disease.
You get chirpes; it can't be tweeted because it's a canarial disease.
Posted on: 19 July 2010 by BigH47
Cheep shot Tony.
Posted on: 19 July 2010 by Stephen Tate
Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?
Tequila! Tequila! Tequila!
Tequila! Tequila! Tequila!
Posted on: 25 July 2010 by PJT
Twelve priests were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful,
big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when
she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final
priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the
ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came
to rest. He bent over to pick it up...
and all the other bells started to ring!
The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful,
big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when
she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final
priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the
ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came
to rest. He bent over to pick it up...
and all the other bells started to ring!
Posted on: 25 July 2010 by PJT
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a
moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher
realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
“Janie, do you have a story to share?'
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.
She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi
troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."
Get their parents to tell them a story with a
moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher
realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
“Janie, do you have a story to share?'
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.
She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi
troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."
Posted on: 09 August 2010 by Reginald Halliday
Last night I dreamt that it was me who had written Lord of the Rings.
When I awoke I realised that I had just been Tolkien in my sleep.
When I awoke I realised that I had just been Tolkien in my sleep.
Posted on: 09 August 2010 by Tony Lockhart
Whats 18" long and hangs down between Obama's legs?
David Cameron's tie...
David Cameron's tie...
Posted on: 09 August 2010 by Tony Lockhart
Lynx: because some women aren't worth showering for.
Tony
Tony
Posted on: 10 August 2010 by rodwsmith
A Pirate walks into a bar, and the barman says to him:
"Good lord John, it's great to see you but you look terrible, what on earth happened?"
"Aaaaaarrrrgggghh, but I feel fine" says the pirate.
"That's good to hear, but I'm sure last time I saw you, you had both legs. What happened there?"
"Aaaarrrgghh, I fell off the deck into the sea and a terrible sea monster chomped me leg clean off. But I feel fine now."
"That's good to hear, but I'd swear last time I saw you, you had both hands. What's with the hook?"
"Aaaarrrgghh, I was in a dreadful cutlass fight with another salty sea dog and he swiped me hand right off. But now I've got the hook I feel fine."
"That's good to hear, but last time I saw you, you definitely had both eyes. Why the patch?"
"Aaaarrrgghh, I was gazing up at the sky and a bird flew over and did its business right above me, had my eye out. But I feel fine now."
"What? How can you lose an eye because a bird shits in it?"
"It was my first day with the hook."
"Good lord John, it's great to see you but you look terrible, what on earth happened?"
"Aaaaaarrrrgggghh, but I feel fine" says the pirate.
"That's good to hear, but I'm sure last time I saw you, you had both legs. What happened there?"
"Aaaarrrgghh, I fell off the deck into the sea and a terrible sea monster chomped me leg clean off. But I feel fine now."
"That's good to hear, but I'd swear last time I saw you, you had both hands. What's with the hook?"
"Aaaarrrgghh, I was in a dreadful cutlass fight with another salty sea dog and he swiped me hand right off. But now I've got the hook I feel fine."
"That's good to hear, but last time I saw you, you definitely had both eyes. Why the patch?"
"Aaaarrrgghh, I was gazing up at the sky and a bird flew over and did its business right above me, had my eye out. But I feel fine now."
"What? How can you lose an eye because a bird shits in it?"
"It was my first day with the hook."
Posted on: 11 August 2010 by Tony Lockhart
Mick walks into paddy's barn and catches him doing a sexy striptease to a large red peice of machinery..mick says "what da feck are ya doing paddy?"..paddy replies "well me and mary haven't been getting on lately and the therapist recommended i do something sexy to a tractor"
Posted on: 13 August 2010 by rodwsmith
I saw my mate earlier in town.
He only has one arm bless him.
"Where you off to?" I shouted.
"To change a light bulb" he said.
"Erm, isn't that going to be difficult?" I said.
"Naah", he said. 'I’ve still got the receipt."
He only has one arm bless him.
"Where you off to?" I shouted.
"To change a light bulb" he said.
"Erm, isn't that going to be difficult?" I said.
"Naah", he said. 'I’ve still got the receipt."
Posted on: 18 August 2010 by Sniper
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Mundubbera Queensland ..'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'
The Aussie said 'One!'
The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64p. '
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'
'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'
'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4
The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'
'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...
'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Mundubbera Queensland ..'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'
The Aussie said 'One!'
The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64p. '
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'
'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'
'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4
The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'
'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...
'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'
Posted on: 18 August 2010 by Tony Lockhart
Just had a water fight over the park with a bunch of local kids. I won! No one's a match for me and my lucky kettle.
Tony
Tony
Posted on: 18 August 2010 by Richard S
The owner of our local cinema has died suddenly. The funeral is this coming Friday at 2.30, 4.15, 6.45, 7.50 and 9.20.
Posted on: 18 August 2010 by Tony Lockhart
A surgeon was operating on a man when he slips and accidentally cuts off the mans balls. He quickly inserts 2 onions and sews his scrotum back up. One month later the man goes back for a check up. 'any problems?' said the surgeon. 'A few' said the man 'I cry when I pee. My wife gets heartburn after a blow job and I get a hard on when I see a cheese sandwich'!