Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Posted on: 23 December 2014 by Tony Lockhart
Wanted: new female lead for every bloody film I ever make.
Sincerely
Tim Burton
Posted on: 24 December 2014 by BigH47
Box! Box!Box!
Posted on: 24 December 2014 by tonym
I did a gig the other day, they put the band on a really rickety raised platform and sure enough it collapsed half way through the second set.
The manager said "it's just a stage musicians go through".
Posted on: 25 December 2014 by Chris Dolan
Cracker Joke
Why does Bono use Twitter anonymously?
Because it's where the tweets have no name 
Posted on: 25 December 2014 by JSH
Don't even THINK of a Bin Lorry "joke". That just isn't funny. OK?
Posted on: 25 December 2014 by Tony Lockhart
With Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter separating after 13 years together, I wonder who will get custody of Johnny Depp.
Posted on: 27 December 2014 by Big Bill
Originally Posted by tonym:
I did a gig the other day, they put the band on a really rickety raised platform and sure enough it collapsed half way through the second set.
The manager said "it's just a stage musicians go through".
Yeah we had Christmas Crackers too, no need to boast! 
Posted on: 27 December 2014 by tonym
I got a Womble pepper grinder for Christmas.
It's rubbish.
Everything is either underground or overground.
Posted on: 27 December 2014 by Big Bill
Originally Posted by tonym:
I got a Womble pepper grinder for Christmas.
It's rubbish.
Everything is either underground or overground.
I told you once! 
Posted on: 28 December 2014 by Tony Lockhart
My South African girlfriend loves animal print underwear.
Especially zebras.
Posted on: 29 December 2014 by Tony Lockhart
My wife had her credit card cloned at a petrol station and apparently her identity has been stolen.
Explains why she's so unbelievably boring.
Posted on: 30 December 2014 by Richard S
Bilbo was surprised to wake one morning and find a Tesco had been built next to his house.
It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area.
Posted on: 30 December 2014 by MDS
Originally Posted by Richard S:
Bilbo was surprised to wake one morning and find a Tesco had been built next to his house.
It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area.
Enjoyed that one, Richard
Posted on: 30 December 2014 by Tony Lockhart
My New Year's resolution is 4K.
Posted on: 30 December 2014 by Tony Lockhart
"Every 2 weeks I go to a really posh bar and assault filmstars."
"Fortnightly?"
"No, but I once kicked Renee Zellweger in the fanny."
Posted on: 31 December 2014 by rodwsmith
Trevor Baylis? CBE?
Surely a wind up.
Posted on: 31 December 2014 by jjbomber
Originally Posted by rodwsmith:
Trevor Baylis? CBE?
Surely a wind up.
it's true - according to the radio.
Posted on: 31 December 2014 by BigH47
Wine box? I prefer the term Cardboardeaux .
Posted on: 31 December 2014 by Tony Lockhart
Posted on: 31 December 2014 by winkyincanada
Important New Year safety tip. If your wife has two phones, do not save the numbers in your contacts as "Wife 1" and "Wife 2".
Posted on: 31 December 2014 by winkyincanada
Posted on: 02 January 2015 by BigH47
Brains of older people are slow because they know so much...
People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information
in their brains, scientists believe. Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full up, so do humans take
longer to access information, it has been suggested.
Researchers say this slowing down it is not the same as cognitive decline.
The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because we have stored more information
over time . The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.
Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what
they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.
SO THERE!!
I have more friends I should send this too, but right now I can't remember their names...
So please forward it to your friends, they may be my friends too..
Posted on: 03 January 2015 by Tony Lockhart
I thought I saw the wife out in the back yard this morning, jabbering away to herself.
But it was just the wheelie bin lid blowing up and down in the wind.
Posted on: 04 January 2015 by BigH47
Breaking News: A lorry containing session musicians and their instruments has overturned. Police say to expect lengthy jams .
Posted on: 05 January 2015 by jjbomber
Teacher Arrested At London Heathrow Airport - held in isolation.
A secondary school teacher was arrested today at London's Heathrow International airport as he attempted to board an international flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a pair of compasses, a slide-rule and a calculator.
At a press conference, a UK Border Control spokesman said he believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.
'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Spokesman said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns;" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle.”
