Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
If he was still alive he'd probably be dead by now.
Nah.......he'd still be on the toilet. You know what its like with these oldies
I think I heard that Paint Your Wagon is to come out in a new remaster and restoration,
The Dulux Edition perhaps!
ATB from George
For you George that was magnificent. 
I think I heard that Paint Your Wagon is to come out in a new remaster and restoration,
The Dulux Edition perhaps!
ATB from George
George stop it! On second thoughts - more please!!!!
If it sinks: girl ant.
If it floats: boy ant.
I replied, "why not go onto Google and search for BBC, there will be plenty to watch there".
Haven't heard a peep from her for hours.
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .."Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said "You're obviously not listening."
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London ..
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the effing thing!
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail ya thick eejit !"
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.
19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
I know some of these have been up before but the old ones are the best.
Standing in the dock the judge said this is the 3rd time you have been in front of me and enough is enough.I am going to give you a custodial sentence,one month for every plum in the tin.The judge counts the plums,1,2,3,4,5,6,7.
I sentence you to 7 month said the judge,do you have anything to say.
The man replies thank god I put the peas back.
If it sinks: girl ant.
If it floats: boy ant.
I like that ��
Jizzlamb.
First my UK half is three quarters Welsh ...
I can tell this joke like a Jew can tell a Jewish joke.
So here goes ...
"Why do Welsh shag sheep at the top of a cliff?
They push back harder."
ATB from George
What sweets do people from Huddersfield eat the most?
Eee by gum drops.
If it sinks: girl ant.
If it floats: boy ant.
I like that ��
It's brilly ant!
As the lady dentist prepared a needle for a man with a toothache, he said, 'No, I can't have a needle! I suffer trypanophobia. If you come near me with that, I'll faint!'
She then started to prepare for nitrous oxide but he told her he had an unusual form of asthma and the gas could kill him.
The lady dentist thought for a few moments and then asked, 'Are you able to take a tablet'?
'Yes, they're fine,' came the reply. 'I don't react to oral medicines'.
The dentist left the room for a few minutes. When she returned, she offered her patient a Viagra tablet. He said, 'Oh boy, I didn't know Viagra was a painkiller!'
'It's not,' she said, 'but it'll give you something to hold onto while I pull the tooth.'
As the lady dentist prepared a needle for a man with a toothache, he said, 'No, I can't have a needle! I suffer trypanophobia. If you come near me with that, I'll faint!'
She then started to prepare for nitrous oxide but he told her he had an unusual form of asthma and the gas could kill him.
The lady dentist thought for a few moments and then asked, 'Are you able to take a tablet'?
'Yes, they're fine,' came the reply. 'I don't react to oral medicines'.
The dentist left the room for a few minutes. When she returned, she offered her patient a Viagra tablet. He said, 'Oh boy, I didn't know Viagra was a painkiller!'
'It's not,' she said, 'but it'll give you something to hold onto while I pull the tooth.'
Ouch!
Nice one Tony.
Remember if you're wearing a loud shirt you might need to turn your trousers up .
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It used to look good, but now it's too big for the room, but you know you can't afford a newer model so you bang it anyway to keep it going.
Turns out it was Waddle's penalty from the '90 World Cup. It finally came down.
It used to look good, but now it's too big for the room, but you know you can't afford a newer model so you bang it anyway to keep it going.
With mine i no longer get a choice of channels.
"Wow, you've never lasted that long before" she said with a giggle. "Have you been practising?"
As I layed there with a smug grin on my face and feeling like a sex god, there was a sudden 'PING' from the microwave and my dinner was ready.
It used to look good, but now it's too big for the room, but you know you can't afford a newer model so you bang it anyway to keep it going.
With mine i no longer get a choice of channels.
I never did!