Best Jokes (continues)

Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007

http://forums.naim-audio.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/58019385/m/4391984906
Posted on: 18 January 2015 by tonym
Originally Posted by jjbomber:
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
A wife is a bit like an old television.

It used to look good, but now it's too big for the room, but you know you can't afford a newer model so you bang it anyway to keep it going.

With mine i no longer get a choice of channels.

Posted on: 19 January 2015 by jjbomber
A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.

She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens.

She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi, I'm so glad you called. Really?
That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks.
Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh, she replies, "that was my husband'
 
'What did he say?' says the man, concerned.
 
'Just that he's having a great time on his golf trip with you.'
Posted on: 19 January 2015 by TOBYJUG
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
A wife is a bit like an old television.

It used to look good, but now it's too big for the room, but you know you can't afford a newer model so you bang it anyway to keep it going.

Tony Lockhart" maybe it's time to give up the wife that has been giving you source for your jokes for so long for another one - or maybe a nice boyfriend !

Posted on: 19 January 2015 by George J

Fascinating.

 

The new Men Only for the Twenty-first Century!

 

ATB from George

Posted on: 20 January 2015 by tonym

Recent research suggests that the number of people who shout "Boo!" to their friends has risen by 85% in the last ten years.

 

That's a frightening statistic.

Posted on: 20 January 2015 by George J

When is a door not a door?

 

When it is a jar!

 

I know it's an oldies but it made me smile today on deliveries ...

 

ATB from George

Posted on: 20 January 2015 by Stevee_S
Originally Posted by George J:

When is a door not a door?

 

When it is a jar!

 

I know it's an oldies but it made me smile today on deliveries ...

 

ATB from George

I didn't know you are a midwife George...

Posted on: 20 January 2015 by George J

Many strings ro my bow! 

 

 

ATB from George

Posted on: 20 January 2015 by Tony Lockhart
Dr Dre's dead!

Wait a minute, sorry - that's 'Deidre's dead'.

I really should get some new glasses... guess there'll be a pair going spare now.
Posted on: 21 January 2015 by Tony Lockhart
My wife and I decided to go out for the day.  We went for a long stroll in the park, bought some ice creams and sat by the pond, feeding the ducks.  Eventually she turned to me and asked "Have you had a nice day?"

I said "Yes thanks. It was 1987, the sun was shining and I'd just left school."
Posted on: 21 January 2015 by Tony Lockhart
To celebrate the Sun newspaper bringing back the much loved Page 3 Girls, I've just erected my very own special little statue in their honour.
Posted on: 22 January 2015 by tonym

A university student delivered a pizza to an old man's house.

"I suppose you want a tip?" said the old man. 
"That would be great," said the student, "but the other guy who does deliveries told me not to expect too much – he said if I got 50p, I'd be lucky." 
The old man looked hurt. "Well, to prove him wrong, here's £5. What are you studying?"
"Applied psychology," replied the student.

 

 
Posted on: 23 January 2015 by Komet
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
To celebrate the Sun newspaper bringing back the much loved Page 3 Girls, I've just erected my very own special little statue in their honour.

As Paul Simon said, does it have a short little span of attention?

Posted on: 23 January 2015 by Komet
Originally Posted by Komet:
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
To celebrate the Sun newspaper bringing back the much loved Page 3 Girls, I've just erected my very own special little statue in their honour.

As Paul Simon said, does it have a short little span of attention?

Hey if it does, you can call it Al

Posted on: 24 January 2015 by Tony Lockhart
Jose Mourinho, Manuel Pellegrini, and Louis Van Gaal are in a pub.

"I'll get another round in." said Van Gaal.
Posted on: 25 January 2015 by JSH

"No, don't Louis" said Jose

"If you get 'em they'll be in the wrong order"

Posted on: 27 January 2015 by tonym

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

Posted on: 27 January 2015 by Big Bill
Originally Posted by tonym:

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

You had your head screwed on when you were 13 Tony.  I think it's a shame that human women don't have the same number of tits that cats have - ie 6.  Then you could dream of a women with a lovely big pair, a nice compromise mediums and two pretty small ones.

 

Just a thought!

Posted on: 27 January 2015 by rodwsmith
There was a young girl from Devizes
Whose breasts were of different sizes
One was quite small
Almost nothing at all
But the other was huge, and won prizes.
Posted on: 27 January 2015 by dayjay
Originally Posted by rodwsmith:
There was a young girl from Devizes
Whose breasts were of different sizes
One was quite small
Almost nothing at all
But the other was huge, and won prizes.

Lol!

Posted on: 28 January 2015 by Salmon Dave

Copyright about 1935.

Posted on: 28 January 2015 by Martin_C

One of my greatest fears is that, when I die, my wife sells my hifi for the price I told her I paid for it.

Posted on: 28 January 2015 by Foxman50
Originally Posted by Martin_C:

One of my greatest fears is that, when I die, my wife sells my hifi for the price I told her I paid for it.

Posted on: 28 January 2015 by Big Bill
Originally Posted by Martin_C:

One of my greatest fears is that, when I die, my wife sells my hifi for the price I told her I paid for it.

Lol.

That looks like a Paul Reed Smith - is it yours?  Like the mix of pickups.

Posted on: 29 January 2015 by winkyincanada
Originally Posted by Big Bill:
Originally Posted by Martin_C:

One of my greatest fears is that, when I die, my wife sells my hifi for the price I told her I paid for it.

Lol.

That looks like a Paul Reed Smith - is it yours?  Like the mix of pickups.

It looks like a 513. Nice guitars, but the aesthetics are spoiled a bit by the selector switches looking a bit unfinished for such an expensive guitar.