Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
My Grandad says every morning when he he measures his allotment it's a couple inches smaller than the day before. I think the old fella is slowly losing the plot.
......another of my greatest fears is that, when I die, my wife sells my guitar for the price I told her I paid for it.
.......yep it is my 513 (it's lighter than a Les Paul and one should aways have a little bling in one's life). Unfortunately the playing of this owner is inversely proportional to the quality of the guitar!
Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, then graduate and medical degrees in his home town, and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town.During his presentation, his papers off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he farted stentoriously. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberating down the hall! He was appallingly embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to finish his speech. On completion, he walked out of the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Brown and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Brown?"
Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."
"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.
"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but a very embarrassing thing happened, and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I'll bet that's true of your incident too."
Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years."
The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?
Hook, the greatest for start well the day. Thanks.
......another of my greatest fears is that, when I die, my wife sells my guitar for the price I told her I paid for it.
.......yep it is my 513 (it's lighter than a Les Paul and one should aways have a little bling in one's life). Unfortunately the playing of this owner is inversely proportional to the quality of the guitar!
lol - yup me too. I have a 60s Strat (which I love), a 50s Höfner Club 40 and a Guild acoustic. I would like to buy a few more!
there was once a lady from leeds
who swallowed a packet of seeds
blades of grass grew out her arse
and her tits were all covered with weeds
There was a young man called Dave
Who found a dead whore in a cave
He said 'It's disgusting,
She only needs Dusting
And think of the money I'll save!'
Hook, the greatest for start well the day. Thanks.
It reminded me of this one;
A woman walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her
little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a
salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well.
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a
professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the woman with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you
today?
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow
missed her little 'incident', she asks,
'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers,
"Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself
when I tell you the price!"
Houston we have a problem....
How do we safely take a bath?
I'm sure they'll come in handy.
I discovered it's a small flying insect of the genus Anopheles.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says,"Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.
I have a ton of socks you can have.
My Next Door Neighbour
I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and I noticed a Man, sneaking through my next door neighbour's garden. Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly. He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
Astonished I got back into bed. Donna, my lovely wife said, 'Mike you're shaking, what is it?'
'You'll never believe what I've just seen', I said, "that bastard next door has still got my shovel''
JJ,
This is a thread for jokes. ... Do us all a favour and delete it would you?
Speak for yourself, it made me laugh!
JJ,
This is a thread for jokes. Your overt racism does not qualify. Do us all a favour and delete it would you?
Andy
Then why didn't you complain about the welsh religion of jizz-lamb? this is a jokes thread. If you want to start your own thread on Hypocrisy then feel free to do so. You seem to think that we can't tell jokes about Muslims but can about the welsh.
Now I'm going next door to get my shovel back!
Seen the one about lamb now. Yes equally unfunny though at least noone was murdered in that one.
Andy
Seen the one about lamb now. Yes equally unfunny though at least noone was murdered in that one.
Andy
The lamb would have been eventually!
I wondered where my shovel went!
Round here we call a spade a spade.
Round here we call a spade a spade.
well what else would you call it?
Round here we call a spade a spade.
well what else would you call it?
A shovel!
Round here we call a spade a spade.
well what else would you call it?
Take your pick!
Oops!
Round here we call a spade a spade.
well what else would you call it?
Take your pick!
Oops!
I can't the neighbour who bashed the intruder has also got my pick.
Round here we call a spade a spade.
well what else would you call it?
A shovel!
Someone else's tool
'To Make a Killing Bird' comes out next month.