Best Jokes (continues)

Why does toilet paper need to have TV commercials?

I mean, who does not buy it ?

The aim is no doubt to prevent the confusion for those who may alternatively buy one of these.

What about that medicated tracing paper we used to get at school. That would require a free Statement with every roll for me to risk it again.

A thoughtful Yorkshire husband was putting his hat and coat on to make his way down to the local pub.

He turned to his wife before leaving and said,

"Maggie - put thi hat and coat on, Lass!"

She replied,

"Awe, Jack, that's nice - are tha tekking me t'pub wi thee?"

This joke reminds me of my brother.  He always claims that when they go out for a drink he shares the driving with his missus.  He always drives to the pub and she always drives back!  I kid you not.

Short but very nice, in a different dialects can be used even here for some in Italy.

A Scotsman and Irishman and an Englishman were talking about their local pubs and debating which one was best:

The Scotsman said that in his local it didn't matter how long it was between visits but the barman always remembered your name and what you drank and the first drink was always on the house.

The Englishman replied that in his local the first round was on the house regardless of how many people were in the party.

"Dat's nutting" replied the Irishman .. "in my local you can walk in at 7:00PM and drink all you want for a couple of hours, they'll then take you upstairs where you can get laid as many times as you want then they'll call a taxi for you to take you home .. AND IT'S ALL FREE !! "

The Scotsman and the Englishman look at each other skeptically and ask Paddy whether he's sure that's right.

"As sure as I'm sitting here" replies Paddy.

So the Englishman asks him "Has it ever happened to you ?"

"Well, no" replied Paddy "but it's happened to my sister a number of times".

Lawyer says to the CEO:  “I have some good news and, I have some bad news.”

Very good Tony !

I sold someone some cannabis the other day. When he handed over his money I asked "Anything else?"

"An' a gram of cocaine please"

I paused for a moment before replying uncertainly "...Oceanic?"

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.... I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.’

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?' 

JR both those jokes are classics - brilliant and tony's anagram joke was brilliant too.

Keep it up lads.

Dear Tony,

I grew up in that time. 

Aunty Pauline ...  and so on.

I never had a sinful aunt or uncle ...

ATB from George

During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:

          1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God’s Chosen People.

          2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

          3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

          4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.