Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Posted on: 14 February 2015 by Tony Lockhart
Don't worry if you're fat and lonely today, because it's Pancake Day next week.
So keep your chins up.
Posted on: 14 February 2015 by Tony Lockhart
I always wanted to be an Elvis Presley impersonator.
But I was too scrawny, speccy, and ugly.
So I impersonate Elvis Costello instead.
Posted on: 14 February 2015 by tonym
You're on form today Mr Lockhart! 
Posted on: 14 February 2015 by Tony Lockhart
Many are a con, using fake 'partners' to keep the vulnerable paying.
Posted on: 15 February 2015 by tonym
In anything you do, there are two rules to follow if you want to guarantee success:
1. Never tell anyone everything that you know.
Posted on: 15 February 2015 by Big Bill
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
Many are a con, using fake 'partners' to keep the vulnerable paying.
I won't ask how you know that Tony.
Posted on: 15 February 2015 by Tony Lockhart
Single guys at work, programmes on telly.
Posted on: 15 February 2015 by Big Bill
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
Single guys at work, programmes on telly.
Oh, I see! 
Posted on: 15 February 2015 by Tony Lockhart
I have neither the time nor opportunity......
Posted on: 15 February 2015 by Big Bill
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
I have neither the time nor opportunity......
Yeah my missus won't let me get up to anything like that either!
Posted on: 15 February 2015 by tonym
The boss of 'Nutella' died today. I suspect there will be a good spread at the wake.
Posted on: 15 February 2015 by Kevin-W
Originally Posted by tonym:
The boss of 'Nutella' died today. I suspect there will be a good spread at the wake.
And the guests will doubtless say: "Oooo Signor, wiz zees chocolates you are really spoiling us."
Posted on: 15 February 2015 by Chris Dolan
Originally Posted by tonym:
The boss of 'Nutella' died today. I suspect there will be a good spread at the wake.
Tony you are smokin' - would you mind waiving all copyright as I plan to steal 
Posted on: 15 February 2015 by jjbomber
One day, Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead! Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate. Since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.
So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all the dove would say is .......... 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!' Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate..
He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........ 'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon.
Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....
.......
.......
.......
'I am a drake. You've made a mistake!!!'
Posted on: 16 February 2015 by jjbomber
A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously "Is there a problem?"
The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes "I'm afraid so...I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy"
The patient is devastated and shockingly replies "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another erection"
The surgeon pauses for a moment then says "Well, you might, but it won't be yours".......!!!
Posted on: 17 February 2015 by tonym
BP tried to buy some gas rich land off Sean Connery.
But he told them it wasn't for shale.
Posted on: 17 February 2015 by Big Bill
Originally Posted by tonym:
BP tried to buy some gas rich land off Sean Connery.
But he told them it wasn't for shale.
Fracking good joke Tony.
Posted on: 17 February 2015 by Kevin-W
Originally Posted by Big Bill:
Originally Posted by tonym:
BP tried to buy some gas rich land off Sean Connery.
But he told them it wasn't for shale.
Fracking good joke Tony.
+1. As Frank Carson would say: "It's a fracker!"
Posted on: 17 February 2015 by Polarbear
There's nothing funny about that at all!
Perhaps, some people should think before they post1
Posted on: 17 February 2015 by Bunbury
It's disgraceful and sick! I've reported it.
Posted on: 17 February 2015 by djh1697
Knock Knock
Me: Who's there?
Reply: Its the police! Can we come in and talk please?
Me: How many police are here?
Reply: 2
Me: Well talk to each other then.
Posted on: 17 February 2015 by Christopher_M
I don't find Tony's joke funny. But he has the freedom to offend with his joke.
Chris
Posted on: 17 February 2015 by Tony Lockhart
Ok, I'll break with convention and apologise.
I can't see how you can be offended by it, maybe upset or angered, but not offended.
And if you were offended, so what? You'll get over it.
But to those I upset or angered, sorry. A bad decision to post it.
Posted on: 17 February 2015 by Tony Lockhart
Originally Posted by dave4jazz:
Originally Posted by Christopher_M:
I don't find Tony's joke funny. But he has the freedom to offend with his joke.
Chris
Naim may not want to associate themselves with some of this crude, insensitive, humour?
Years ago I saw a warning to new members in the sign up process about the content of the forum. Is it still there?
Or have the new owners removed it?
Posted on: 17 February 2015 by tonym
Originally Posted by dave4jazz:
Originally Posted by Bunbury:
It's disgraceful and sick! I've reported it.
Well done. I've had him blocked for some time.
tonym doesn't cover himself in glory this evening either.
????
Might be best if you don't read this topic.
