Best Jokes (continues)

Last night I dreamt that it was me who had written Lord of the Rings.

When I awoke I realised that I had just been Tolkien in my sleep.

Whats 18" long and hangs down between Obama's legs?

David Cameron's tie...

Lynx: because some women aren't worth showering for.

Tony

A Pirate walks into a bar, and the barman says to him:

"Good lord John, it's great to see you but you look terrible, what on earth happened?"

"Aaaaaarrrrgggghh, but I feel fine" says the pirate.

"That's good to hear, but I'm sure last time I saw you, you had both legs. What happened there?"

"Aaaarrrgghh, I fell off the deck into the sea and a terrible sea monster chomped me leg clean off. But I feel fine now."

"That's good to hear, but I'd swear last time I saw you, you had both hands. What's with the hook?"

"Aaaarrrgghh, I was in a dreadful cutlass fight with another salty sea dog and he swiped me hand right off. But now I've got the hook I feel fine."

"That's good to hear, but last time I saw you, you definitely had both eyes. Why the patch?"

"Aaaarrrgghh, I was gazing up at the sky and a bird flew over and did its business right above me, had my eye out. But I feel fine now."

"What? How can you lose an eye because a bird shits in it?"

"It was my first day with the hook."

Mick walks into paddy's barn and catches him doing a sexy striptease to a large red peice of machinery..mick says "what da feck are ya doing paddy?"..paddy replies "well me and mary haven't been getting on lately and the therapist recommended i do something sexy to a tractor"

I saw my mate earlier in town.

He only has one arm bless him.

"Where you off to?" I shouted.

"To change a light bulb" he said.

"Erm, isn't that going to be difficult?" I said.

"Naah", he said. 'I’ve still got the receipt."

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Mundubbera Queensland ..'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'
The Aussie said 'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64p. '
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'

'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'

'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

Just had a water fight over the park with a bunch of local kids. I won! No one's a match for me and my lucky kettle.

Tony

The owner of our local cinema has died suddenly. The funeral is this coming Friday at 2.30, 4.15, 6.45, 7.50 and 9.20.

A surgeon was operating on a man when he slips and accidentally cuts off the mans balls. He quickly inserts 2 onions and sews his scrotum back up. One month later the man goes back for a check up. 'any problems?' said the surgeon. 'A few' said the man 'I cry when I pee. My wife gets heartburn after a blow job and I get a hard on when I see a cheese sandwich'!

I have had to call the plumber out as I can't turn my tap on...I have talked dirty to it, kissed its neck, rubbed it all over, not so much as a drip.

Tony

A local charity organisation found out that they had never received a donation from the most succesful lawyer in town. The assistant fund raising decided to give him a call.

"Our research shows that you make over EUR 500,000 in a year, but fail to donate anything to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to society one way or another?"

The lawyer gave this some thought, and answered:
"First of all, are you aware that my mother is dying after a long period of illness, and that her medical costs are many times higher than what she earns?"

Ashamed, the assistant starts:"Ehhmm..no..."
"Or that my brother, a handicapped veteran, is blind and spends his remaining days in a wheel chair?"

The assistant mumbles an apology, but is interrupted again.
"Or that my sister's husband recently passed away in a traffic accident, and that she was left to take care of three children without any money?!"

The humiliated assistant, completely beaten, says: "I'm so sorry, I had no idea..."
"So if I don't give THEM any money, why should I give some to you?!"

I suppose the reason Eskimos have so many words for snow, is that otherwise, I-Spy would be shit.

A selection of jokes from the Fringe:

"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

"I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

"I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them."

"I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

"As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

"Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

"What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

"Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

"For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty."

"Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"

"Why did the chicken commit suicide?
Because it wanted to see the other side"

Just reading about the new tablet for depressed lesbians, Tridicagain.

I went to an Indian Restaurant the other night.
"Do you do takeaway?"
"Of course sir"
"What's 12 minus 6?"

I got arrested in B&Q today for punching an African lady.
It wasn't my fault.
My dad told me to go in and get a black and decker.

I'm really pleased with myself, i've just completed a 200 peice jigsaw puzzle in 2 days.
It said 3-4 years on the box.

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor evenUseful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a train. When it happened he was chuffed to bits.

During the war my Grandfather couldn't stop scribbling. He was hit by a doodlebug.

Albinos. You can't say fairer than that.

I went to the butchers the other day and the butcher said 'I bet you five pounds you can't guess the weight of the meat on the top shelf'.
I said 'No, the steaks are too high'.

quote:

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a train. When it happened he was chuffed to bits.

My favourite out of that last lot!

Glass coffins are going to be the next fad.

Remains to be seen.

Cats.

Some people hate cats, some love them.

Take the Pope. He's a cat-a-holic.

What did the Buddhist say at the kebab shop?

"Can you make me one with everything please?"

"I bet Shroedinger didn't get this hassle" Cat bin lady

quote:

Originally posted by BigH47:
"I bet Shroedinger didn't get this hassle" Cat bin lady

made my day. Thanks BigH

Just looked for clitoris.com. Even Google can't find it.