Best Jokes (continues)

I have had to call the plumber out as I can't turn my tap on...I have talked dirty to it, kissed its neck, rubbed it all over, not so much as a drip.

Tony

A local charity organisation found out that they had never received a donation from the most succesful lawyer in town. The assistant fund raising decided to give him a call.

"Our research shows that you make over EUR 500,000 in a year, but fail to donate anything to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to society one way or another?"

The lawyer gave this some thought, and answered:
"First of all, are you aware that my mother is dying after a long period of illness, and that her medical costs are many times higher than what she earns?"

Ashamed, the assistant starts:"Ehhmm..no..."
"Or that my brother, a handicapped veteran, is blind and spends his remaining days in a wheel chair?"

The assistant mumbles an apology, but is interrupted again.
"Or that my sister's husband recently passed away in a traffic accident, and that she was left to take care of three children without any money?!"

The humiliated assistant, completely beaten, says: "I'm so sorry, I had no idea..."
"So if I don't give THEM any money, why should I give some to you?!"

I suppose the reason Eskimos have so many words for snow, is that otherwise, I-Spy would be shit.

A selection of jokes from the Fringe:

"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

"I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

"I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them."

"I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

"As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

"Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

"What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

"Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

"For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty."

"Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"

"Why did the chicken commit suicide?
Because it wanted to see the other side"

Just reading about the new tablet for depressed lesbians, Tridicagain.

I went to an Indian Restaurant the other night.
"Do you do takeaway?"
"Of course sir"
"What's 12 minus 6?"

I got arrested in B&Q today for punching an African lady.
It wasn't my fault.
My dad told me to go in and get a black and decker.

I'm really pleased with myself, i've just completed a 200 peice jigsaw puzzle in 2 days.
It said 3-4 years on the box.

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor evenUseful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a train. When it happened he was chuffed to bits.

During the war my Grandfather couldn't stop scribbling. He was hit by a doodlebug.

Albinos. You can't say fairer than that.

I went to the butchers the other day and the butcher said 'I bet you five pounds you can't guess the weight of the meat on the top shelf'.
I said 'No, the steaks are too high'.

quote:

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a train. When it happened he was chuffed to bits.

My favourite out of that last lot!

Glass coffins are going to be the next fad.

Remains to be seen.

Cats.

Some people hate cats, some love them.

Take the Pope. He's a cat-a-holic.

What did the Buddhist say at the kebab shop?

"Can you make me one with everything please?"

"I bet Shroedinger didn't get this hassle" Cat bin lady

quote:

Originally posted by BigH47:
"I bet Shroedinger didn't get this hassle" Cat bin lady

made my day. Thanks BigH

Just looked for clitoris.com. Even Google can't find it.

Q) What kind of exercise does Johnny Depp do?

A) Pilates of the Caribbean

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -



Q) What kind of exercise does Keira Knightly do?

A) Pilates of the Caribbean 2

for our German colleagues - a German joke.

Wie Sie nennen einen Türkischer Metzger?

Machmet.

Has anyone tried Stallone's Scones?
The best thing since Sly's Bread.

Why are there 2 'f's in Ffion?

Because there'n no effin marriage.

SCOUSERS JOIN FERRARI

"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."


This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech gear.


It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.


However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

I sent a message to the Israeli leader, but this came back:

"Benjamin Not on Yahoo."

I threw my horny girlfriend onto the bed tonight and showed her who's the boss.
She wasn't in the mood once she'd seen my Alan Sugar shrine.

I spent some time at my wife's grave earlier. She's not dead - she thinks I'm digging a pond.

"Mexican drug lord shot dead"
Apparently a sniper got him through the head as he approached his car.

Hole in Juan.



Tony

Mrs. Jones goes to the doctor for a full medical.

After an hour or so, the doctor looks at Mrs. Jones and tells her what he thinks: "Mrs. Jones, overall you are very healthy for a 45 year old. There is however, only one problem. You are over 20 kilos overweight and bordering on obese. I would strongly suggest that you diet now to save any complications in later years."

She looks sternly at him and says, "I demand a second opinion".

"OK" he says, "you're fucking ugly as well!"