Best Jokes (continues)

I see another of my efforts has been diasppeared.

Perhaps the mods would be have the good manners to tell me what is acceptable or, more pertinently, unacceptable so I can stop wasting peoples' time?

Nice one Tony !  (bears thinking about, though)

Thanks for the warning.

Thats a malicious rumour, bears don't think 

Easy.  Buy a Volvo and you'll find out it's always raining in Sweden

Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie,
Lurks in yer bellie efter a feastie,
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin
There starts to stir an enormous wind.

The neeps and tatties and mushy peas
Start working like a gentle breeze
But soon the pudding wi' the sauncie face
Will hae ye blawin' a' ower the place

Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
a'body's gonnae hae tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
it's like a bullet oot a rifle

Hawd yer bum ticht tae the chair
Tae try tae stop the leakin' air
Shift yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Pray tae god it disnae reek

But a' the efforts go asunder
Oot it comes like a clap o' thunder
Ricochets arrond the room
Michty me! a sonic boom

God almighty it fairly reeks
A' hope a' huvnae sh*t ma breeks
Tae the bog a' better scurry
Whit the hell, it's no ma worry

A'body roon aboot me choakin'
One or two are nearly boakin'
I'll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile

It wis him! I shout and glower
Alas too late, he's just keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger! They shout and stare
I'm no that welcome any mair

Where e're ye go let yer wind gang free
That sounds jist the joab fir me
Whit a fuss at Rabbie's party
Ower the sake o' one wee farty

Wonder if Google Translate will work ?

Clarkson has been on a slippery slope for a while. Another bridge he needs to repair.

BBC2 have cancelled Top Gear for Sunday 15th March 2015. Dave have cancelled Top Gear for September 12th 2018.

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of pounds for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten pounds and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend it on a prostitute?" the man asked,
"I haven`t had sex in 30 years" the old man replied.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking , golf and sex".

Great Tony, the day starts good 

This one's for Tony:

My wife put 300 pounds on a horse at Cheltenham today

Had to tell her go get off before she broke it's back

steve

Scientists have announced the first ever successful penis transplant on an unnamed man in South Africa.

Still, he will always be re-membered

South Africa has completed the World's first penis transplant. Meanwhile in the UK, voters have to wait until May 7th to get rid of their useless pr1cks.

I haven't verified this on Google, but it sounds legitimate … A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

steve