Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
I haven't verified this on Google, but it sounds legitimate … A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
steve
Arnold Schwarzenegger was busted in Melbourne for not wearing a helmet while cycling. Especially dangerous for him since if he'd suffered a concussion how would anyone know?
Lexophilia:
.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. .. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. .. The batteries were given out free of charge. .. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail. .. A will is a dead giveaway. .. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. .. A boiled egg is hard to beat. .. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. .. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. .. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now. .. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired. .. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. .. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered. .. He had a photographic memory which was never developed. .. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye. .. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it. ..Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. |
a) don't
b) leave it
Got an email from an airline inviting me to "Discover America".
I've replied with a link to the Wikipedia page about Christopher Columbus.
"No, but one time I keyed a Bentley"
A touch too much, definitely spicy and with a strong smell of cabbage but overall, I'd shag her again.
"Nice dog, "I said to it's owner, "what is it? "
"It's a labradoodle, a cross between a Poodle and a Labrador, " she replied.
"Oh, I used to have a Jack Russell crossed with a Chihuahua, " I said,"
"Ah, " she said, "a Jawowa. "
"No, " I answered, "a bloody mongrel."
I thought there was going to be a bit of a ding-dong in the pub last night when two really fat girls started glaring at each other and circling. But it was all quite harmless in the end - seems they were just in each other's orbit.
One of my friends had a Shitzu bitch, another had a Jack Russell dog...
All the got was Jack Sh**!
So here's to the family Stein
There's Gert and there's Ep and there's Ein
Gert's poems are bunk
Ep's statues are junk
And nobody understands Ein
One of my friends had a Shitzu bitch, another had a Jack Russell dog...
All the got was Jack Sh**!
I thought a Shitzu was a zoo with no animals in it?!
Rape all the children you like, just don't punch a producer.
Rape all the children you like, just don't punch a producer.
That's not a joke, it's a Richard Littlejohn column. 
Rape all the children you like, just don't punch a producer.
That's not a joke, it's a Richard Littlejohn column.
Rape all the children you like, just don't punch a producer.
Just read that I have to change my clocks this weekend......
.....but I'm quite happy with the ones that I've got thank you.
Just seen an ad for the Daily Mail coming with a free bag of compost this weekend. There's me for years thinking The Mail was full of sh..
Actually, he's written for the Daily Mail for the past 10 years. Although he used to write for the Sun.
But I understand your point. Littlejohn has been consistently exposed for his egregious scaremongering and downright lies, and both the Mail and Sun have had to issue humiliating public apologies as a result.
Actually, he's written for the Daily Mail for the past 10 years. Although he used to write for the Sun.
But I understand your point. Littlejohn has been consistently exposed for his egregious scaremongering and downright lies, and both the Mail and Sun have had to issue humiliating public apologies as a result.
THE TEXT MESSAGE
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a
confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few
months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to
your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with
myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been
sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact,
probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you've left
for work. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no
excuse I know. The temptation was just too much....I can no longer
live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies
and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Regards, Alan
THE ACTIONS
Bob, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his
bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife twice,
killing her instantly. He returned to the lounge where he poured
himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone
to respond to the neighbour's text and saw he had another message:-
THE REPLY
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on
my last text, I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you
noticed, my predictive text changed ‘WiFi’ To ‘Wife’. Technology
hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that. Regards, Alan.
Viagra is now available in eye-drop form.
It makes you look hard.
steve
Tony,
It's difficult to fire a dead man...
steve