Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
You need to take a good look at yourself.
The Importance of walking
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at £2,000 per month.
My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we have no idea where the hell he is.
I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing...
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.
You could run this over to your friends
But just e-mail it to them!
It will save you the walk!
I just hope they trim their claws.
I just hope they trim their claws.
What is Britain's most favourite owl....
The Teat owl
After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, "Your Holiness, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee.'"
The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed."
"Well," says the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."
"My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord, and it must not be changed."
The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer...
"We will donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee.' Please consider it." And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news. The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million."
"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.
"We're losing the Hovis account".
I got her a whole lotta rosé.
|
Duracell Bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
There isn't a home page.
There isn't a home page.
Or parental controls........?
There isn't a home page.
Or parental controls........?
Or hotlink to Ancestry.com?
- Fewer acronyms
- When do we want them?
- ASAP
A police car stopped me. The officer said 'didn't you hear my siren behind you for the last 20 miles?'. I said 'yes, officer, but I dropped my wife off 22 miles ago and I thought you were bringing her back!'.
I had a dream last night. I had died and was at the gates of heaven, St Peter was there to greet me and offered to show me around. We ended up in this great hall. The walls were covered with hundreds of millions of clocks, everywhere nothing but clocks. "Pete, mate" I said "What are all these clocks for?" St Peter looked at me with a smile on his face."Mark, every person alive on earth has a clock. Every time he plays with himself the hands on the clock whizz one hour ahead" "Gosh" I remarked "I don't see Jeremy Clarkson's clock" I added. St Peter remarked "That's very observant of you, we keep Mr Clarkson's clock in the kitchen, we use it as a fan!"
I had a dream last night. I had died and was at the gates of heaven, St Peter was there to greet me and offered to show me around. We ended up in this great hall. The walls were covered with hundreds of millions of clocks, everywhere nothing but clocks. "Pete, mate" I said "What are all these clocks for?" St Peter looked at me with a smile on his face."Mark, every person alive on earth has a clock. Every time he plays with himself the hands on the clock whizz one hour ahead" "Gosh" I remarked "I don't see Jeremy Clarkson's clock" I added. St Peter remarked "That's very observant of you, we keep Mr Clarkson's clock in the kitchen, we use it as a fan!"
Reminded me of Jeremy Clockson, the clockmaker from one of Terry Prachett's books.
"That's very observant of you, we keep Mr Clarkson's clock in the kitchen, we use it as a fan!"
I'm relieved to hear that there's a kitchen in heaven, wasn't sure if souls had a need to eat. Just hope they make more there than communion wafers.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Man Ferry.
The Isle of Man ferry going out of Pompey; well that's a new one.
Which is more than can be said for this joke which has been on this forum at least twice before!
She must have been at Fratton Park on Saturday to witness yet another home defeat.